A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband is hiding something. We have been married for 16 months and I have had a horrible gut feeling for almost year. He is the kindest, loveliest man you can ever imagine meeting but some things just dont add up and his mood is tempramental. A little bit about him - he runs his own successful business and hardly takes any time off (including weekends). We have yet to have a honeymoon. He's out first thing and back after 7pm most nights. He is always texting - I mean ALWAYS and never mentions the recipient. His phone is permanently on silent (he now puts it down face down so I dont even know when its ringing or texts come through). He's had a couple of recent calls when I've been with him and he looks uncomfortable. His phone is NEVER out of his sight - I mean toilet, bath, bed, put rubbish out etc. I caught him checking my mobile some months ago.He's arranged nights out, nights or weekends away through various business meetings, training courses etc but some are cancelled at the last minute. Last October I was surfing the net on his laptop (not snooping) and an instant message from a dating site popped up - I asked him about it but he said he was unable to cancel an old subscription. Which is a lie. I was on the same site a few years ago and its simple to cancel. We had an argument in June where he gave me strict instuctions to stop asking him where he's going, what's he doing or who with? This upset me so much I was physically sick because I didnt think I was questioning him. I love him. We've had a few arguments like the above where he says some really hurtful things. In one argument, he blamed me for cancelling a stag weekend away but I knew nothing of the cancellation until the day before it was happening and I would never stop him going. I truly believe he is saying things about me to his friends that are untrue - i.e nagging wife wont let me etc etc. The usual 'her in doors' stuff. Many of his friends are a little offish with me?He's taken up sea fishing which includes competitions and takes up nearly every saturday night (he never brings anything home). Last Monday, whilst carrying out work on the internet, a SMS appeared on the broadband datacard I was using (the datacard was his) the message was from a female and had kisses. I texted him and her (in a very diplomatic way incase it was business) and got a reply over an hour later from both at the same time, saying virtually the same thing ('Must be a wrong number')! The very next day he took a half day and came home (without warning) with some elaborate story that his datacard on his work computer didnt work and could he try mine (which was the one with the text). By some miracle my broadband datacard worked on his and his on mine! Only then did he mentioned the message and said it was really weird (however no mention of it the day it happened) then went on to tell me there were no more. Within 10 mins, he popped out of the room and I jumped on to his PC and found ANOTHER SMS message. He lied. He has recently put a password on his laptop and changed passwords to various things that I am meant to be using (I work for him from time to time). I have never snooped but feel he is behaving like I'm on to him. Very jumpy and secretive.A couple of other things that dont add up. He's fallen out with a best friend to the point where neither want to speak. When I ask him about it he snaps at me. Do you think his friend knows something? He has become extremely obsessed with his weight. He is actually starving himself and boasting to me that he hasnt eaten a thing all day like he's pleased with himself. I'm only 5 foot nothing but everytime I get into his car, the seat is pushed right back. I spotted a suspiscious stain on the passenger seat and when I asked about it he said nothing but put the car in for a valet straight away.Most importantly, we have not had sex since October and before that it is an effort to get any kind of intimacy with him. When we first got together, he mentioned a brief affair with a married woman that still works for him but assured me its not happened since. I dont really feel she is involved now but would you say I had grounds to suspect an affair or is he having problems at work?I have nobody to talk to as all my friends are his friends wives or girlfriends. I feel let down and lonely.Can you help?
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affair, at work, best friend, married woman, stag , text, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): I think your gut is always leading you in the right direction. If you strongley feel that your husband is hiding something from you there are ways to find out. If you can get your hands on about $400.00 you can get voice recorders that are small and can easily be hidden in his car. They can give you the knowledge of hearing everything that goes on when your not around, even phone calls. Im sure if he were to be hiding something you would find out when you listned to the voice recorder. The truth might hurt but at least you would know what is going on and get some answers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): It does not matter if he has a password, the webwatcher will also log the keystrokes he makes so you will get his passwords as well. You could just "lend" your laptop elsewhere or find another reason to use the same computer. It creates a website that you can log onto from a different computer anywhere in the world and see what he is doing. www.webwatcher.com Take a look at the site.
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A
female
reader, rockelle  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 You have goten so much good advice there isn't much more for me to add. However, I think there is certainly something going on with your husband and eventually it will come out. I think it would be wise to prepare for the worst at this point. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank all who responded so promptly to my dilemma - I have read each and every one so far and all suggestions have been taken on board.
I will be trying out some of your tactics. However, I would like to add that it would be impossible to get a webtracker or key tracker downloaded as he has just given me my own laptop and has a password on his. When we shared his I did notice 'History' deleted every time.
Its comforting knowing that there are others (male & female which is great) out there who feel I may have possible 'love rat' on my hands.
Please feel free to message me anytime and maybe I could return the favour.
Thanks all! MrsB x
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Yes, I was going to suggest that. I would definitely have him followed. You will need proof to take this further. You can't just ignore it when everything you have pointed out is so obvious.
You need to collect evidence. This is war. You are married, you have financial responsiblities. I know its emotional and heartbreaking. Believe me I've been there. My husband cheated on me. But as a woman, you don't sit and get walked over. YOU FIGHT!!!!!!
You need to start collecting evidence sweetie.
1) Hes behaving in a guarded manner, probably because you are asking him point blank about your suspicians. Stop! Your objective is to get him to relax and slip up. Be friendly, apologise for nagging him, tell him you were being silly and you're going to stop not trusting him.
2) Lets not forget he does sleep at some point, and I'm sure he doesn't sleep with his mobile phone under his pillow. One night while he's asleep, get up to go to the bathroom, slip it into your hand and take it with you. Check his texts, received calls and dialed numbers. Also his phone book. Make sure you have paper and pen smuggled in the back of the vanity so you can write it all down.
You will also need bills. Credit card bills in particular.
3) Think smart, if he says hes going to be working late at the office, drop by and suprise him. If hes going to be at a convention....suprise him and go and see him. Do it in a friendly manner, don't let him think you are suspicious or he will be more secretive, remember point 1, your motivation is to slip him up, not confront him. If you find out his lied to you, do not confront him. This is about gathering proof, not shaming him....not yet anyway.
4) Check the history in his internet exporer. Double check the sites he is frequenting. Is he actually opening up this dating site page. The history will let you know. If his history is being cleared daily, thats an indication he's hiding something.
Also check his computer files for pictures, emails...etc.
5)Contact a private investigator, they are in the phone book. Get him to follow him.
6) Finally, asking his freinds for confirmation never works, believe me. His friends will protect him long before they show you the same respect. Also, they will probably tell him that you are snooping, remember point 1.
The fact is, we all think hes up to no good. If it turns out you discover nothing is afoot...then you can work at repairing your marriage. If he is cheating, then you can prepare yourself. Forewarned is forearmed
You need to be clinical, he has assets and a business. You my dear are entitled to at least half. The more evidence you have against him the better.
You're not the only woman who has been here, so many of us have faced a lying, cheating, dishonest, sleezy SOB.
Don't get sad, get even and find yourself a good lawyer!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): It sounds very suspicious, in fact an affair with the text message coincidence would be completely hard to deny. If he's stopped having sex with you, there is the possibility that he slept with someone else and since he doesn't know if he's clean anymore, doesn't want to expose you to any STDs.
If you've been married for 16th months and haven't had a honeymoon, its clear that your marriage is a lower priority that his job, his affair, and his work. I hate to be blunt, because I can relate to how you must feel, but I'd have him followed and catch him in the act.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (3 December 2007):
 I just had a point to add. My husband's business schedule is set up months in advance, and meetings, especially business travel and conferences, are never cancelled at the last minute, at least not for him in the last 35 years. I'm pretty sure that's standard for most people that are in business. I'm so sorry Honey. Can you talk with family?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): Hello! Whatever he is doing, he is not giving you the attention you need is he?
I have just been through suspecting something similar and found I was wrong so do be careful. If you really want to know install a programme on your computer called webwatcher. It is not expensive and it overcomes most protective software he could have installed. You will even find the tech team at the company will install it alongside you, live online. I was tempted to do this myself but have decided not to because I have turned a corner and know I can trust my man. I was totally screwed up by people messing me around in the past.
You sound like you may have a genuine problem though, so try this, it will be cheaper than a private detective. If you find you are wrong you need to get counselling together because he is neglecting you terribly. Good luck and make sure you feed back. We are here to support you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): I am so sorry for you to be going through this , but I think the answer is right under your nose. Your husband is disrespecting you and he is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. I hate to say it but he sounds an awful lot like my ex who was a sex addict. It was hard to figure out what was going on because of all the lies and secrecy but there is a web-site that has a lot of tools and help and other women going through this same thing. it would be worthwhile for you to at least check it out...no-porn.com Be sure to put in a - or you will be directed to a porn sight. P.S. you may want to invest in a key-logger, it would give you straight up answers. Whatever you do, don't confront your husband yet. Wait until you have clear evidence or he become better at hiding his activities from you...erasing history bar, installing window washers....Good luck to you, you sound like a good woman, trying to think the best in a bad situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): I would recommend survivinginfidelity.com (among others) as a more appropriate support group. I don't think you're paranoid--I think you're right. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): There's every chance that at least some of his friends and their wives will either know about or have an idea of what's going on.
Ask one or two of the wives who you are closest to, know quite well and are very friendly with if they can confirm your fears. Tell them what you suspect first, and if they're any kind of friends they ought to tell you what they know, if they know anything at all. I'd start with the one who's not speaking if possible.
If you need a little more confirmation have a sniff of the passenger's seat belt for signs of perfume. Always a giveaway, that one.
Is his phone on pay-as-you-go or contract? If contract, take a look at the phone bill for signs of frequently texted or dialled numbers. If you find a 'candidate', maybe give the number a call and see who answers.
Like Richard says, it doesn't look good though.
Phil
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Phone his friend who he has fallen out with and say you are a bit concerned about his behaviour lately and that he is becoming obsessive about his weight. See what happens?
Doesn't look good though.
Take care
Richard
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (3 December 2007):
 I think you already know the answer to this one but for obvious reasons dont want to admit it. When we are faced with a painful truth we often create other possibilities to shiled us from the pain, its a self-preservation reflex but I really can't see any explanation for all this other than an affair. How does stress at work cause 'suspicious stains', messages from dating site, the SMS texts (both of which he defensively lied about and he has excluded you from all his private means of communication)? Stress at work could cause him to become irritable and even introverted and less affectionate and interested in sex but it definatly does not cause any of the things I mentioned above. Sorry. Take care xx.
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A
female
reader, Saz +, writes (3 December 2007):
I agree with you, this is very odd behavour, he is acting alittle strange and suspiscious.
Have you tried just asking him out right if he is involed with anyone or anything else?
It can't be easy for you, and you haven't been married for very long.
Maybe it is just stress from work, running your own business can be really hard work and very stressful, try talking to him if that doesn't work then talk to those who know you both well and see if they have noticed a change in him.
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