A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has been working with his female assistant for about 8 months now. Up until the last month, I had not had reason to suspect anything that their relationship was anything other than professional. However, last month, one week he called her every evening after work when she was at home with her children (she is a single mother) and I was out of the house. None of the reasons he gave to me as reasons to call seemed like anything that could not wait until the next day at work. I started to feel weird about this when he popped out one evening to pick up takeaway for dinner and made a call on his mobile to her at 8pm for a trivial reason. He said it was all work related and they had a busy project that week. However, when our home phone bill came a few days later there was a call to her home at 8pm in early January when both my husband and his assistant were on leave and the workplace was on a shutdown period of 2 weeks for Christmas/New Year - so no work reason to call. I was in the house at the time and my husband did not mention the he had made this call. When I questioned him about it he said he could not recall why he rang, it was just one call and I was paranoid. I felt quite hurt by this and he made a point that she was his friend and he could call his friends if he liked. The long and short of it was I ended up checking his mobiles phone bills and found out that he has been in contact with her almost every day over the Christmas leave period and the day that he said there was just one call from our home phone, he had already texted her and made a call to her home on his mobile. This calling at home in the evening has gone on since November and he has been calling her at work when he is on a different shift. Also they were on a residential course in early December together and there is a call at 3.30am one night - I asked him about it and he said they'd sat up in the bar together and she had told him lots of personal info about why her mariage failed and she was very upset so he called her room to check she was OK. My husband has deleted all text mesages and records of any calls made on his mobile as they were happening and deleted all emails to her between their private addresses. I have been surfing the net and some sites say this is an emotional affair - sharing very personal details/keeping the whole thing secret from spouse etc. He swears this is platonic and says I have an overactive imagination. However he does say that he enjoyed the friendship, that he does find her attractive and these calls would be continuing now if I had not stopped it. We have been to one counselling session as I am devastated by the deceipt and not knowing the truth and we are on a waiting list for a regular counsellor. He also said that she has been taking an interest in his hobbies whereas I don't (I feel this is a massively unfair opinion though). We have a 3 yr old and I am pregnant with our second child - this friendship has escalated since announcing our pregnancy. What do you think - is this and emotional affair or should I stop worrying? They still work together.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): I'd say you need to either have a calm, but Very serious talk with your husband about all this, or hire a private detective to get the answers you need. YES, this is an emotional affair, or else why all the hiding of communications? The two of you need to do a LOT of talking - what you need to feel loved and secure now, during your pregnancy, and what *he* needs to feel the same - why he felt so disconnected that this extended communications has become so necessary to him. If he's got things he ought to be telling you, for God's sake, HAVE HIM TELL YOU! Much better than what's happening now, at least if you talk to/with each other all your issues will be on the table and you can BOTH work on them.
Yes, I understand that you're pregnant, your hormones will jerk you around at times and make you behave 'not yourself' sometimes; I understand this, *and so should your husband*. This isn't a case of your having an overactive imagination, it's having a less than observant, considerate spouse.
A
female
reader, lips1 +, writes (19 June 2008):
I think you should kick hin out, how dare he make you feel so bad, saying she takes an interest in his hobbies, he is having an affair as far as I can see. You stand proud, don't put up with this any longer, you must be worried sick to feel unsure all the time, so it may be a relief in the end to make a def descision, good luck and be strong, there is someone out there that will make you feel like a queen and it doesnt sound like him does it!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): Leave him now and don't look back. My husband had an affair and we are still togeather a year after and we still fight every week. There is no trust and its just not worth it!! Trust me it's not love once this has happened and he will deny and deny it because he doesn't want anyone to know what he is really like especially you. He has definitely cheated with her and he will cover his tracks now.Leave!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): I feel a deep pain for you... this can be very disturbing, but what I can tell you is don't let it stress you out. And don't worry about the other woman or you will be giving her too much credit. Now I will advise you to conversate in a calm womanly matter to let her, get the feel that. It's not just your husband she dealing with but you and the child yall await to bear. It probably won't me much too her but that will or it might just. But if she is explaining her missed up marriage she probably won't value yours. But let her know you know what's going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): I have been happily married for 22 years, with a brilliant circle of friends. I have just discovered a text on my husbands mobile from one of my close friends - the contents of which left me utterly disgusted. I confronted my husband who admited they have been having text sex for nearly 3 months. He thinks that because they didn't have physical sex, it is ok. I am totally devistated. I informed my friends husband of the situation we had both been thrown into, and forwarded him the text. He too is totally devistated. Text sex IS ADULTERY when those involved have loving partners who know nothing at all of what is going on. I feel 100% betrayed by my husband, and by my (no longer) friend.
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A
female
reader, momojiang  +, writes (5 March 2008):
I hate to say it but all the signs are there that he is cheating. My husband admitted having an affair 3 week ago to me that had lasted 3 years (the last 8 months have been an emotional affair as she moved overseas). He started it when we had a 6 month baby and was having the affair when I got pregnant with our second baby. (They are just over 3.5 and 2.5 yrs). I never had a clue and we did move away cities but she would fly up ever couple of months for sex. Even when he told me 3 weeks ago he was still calling her (she had moved to China) on nearly a daily basis and having email sex and phone sex. I had it out with him and he has stopped contact with her. He was ready to leave me when he told me but I said I still loved him and wanted to make it work. I was stunned and did go through all his mobile phone bills and it was pretty obvious in hindsight. He did all the same things as your husband such as deleting texts and emails straight away. He says he feels good becuase he has come clean but it has shifted the load to me. I now look at my second child and feel like he was not born out of love. I have very mixed emotions. I still love but find his actions disgusting (he wasn't even having safe sex but last week I made him have an STD check and he is clean). He is sorry he had the affair and it really has stuffed up our family and it is going to require a lot of work now. I would have preferred him to use prostitutes. When I ask him about the affair he gets angry and defensive and says things like your husband that I was hard to live with and he needed a friend to talk to. He should have got a male friend! Anyway show this reposnse to your husband. I would also have a go at the girlfriend as she must be some type of skank to continue carrying on with your husband when you are pregnant. That is a thing women should not do to each other. If he won't stop having the affair I think he should have the decency to leave. I hope he sees his foolishness and stops. All my best wishes for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): I am the original poster - just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to respond, there is some really helpful advice. Our regular counselling starts next week so I am hoping things will get better with the help of an impartial listener. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Hi There,
I think you have cause to be concerned as I have been in this situation, but was the 'other woman' in the scenario.
Im not proud of what happened and am writing only in hopes that this is helpful as I one-hundred per cent think your husband and this colleague are heading for an affair with this behaviour, I know because what you have described is exactly what happened with myself and a married colleague a few years ago.
In my case, the texting, flirting, emails and furtive nightly calls from him all lasted 3 months, and ended up in an evening together at my house when he was supposedly away on business.
If it makes you feel a little better, he disappeared after that night together and I never heard from him again except for him asking me to leave him alone. It was a terrible, awful experience and I had no-one to blame but myself for the misery it caused me. His wife never found out and hopefully he is happy, but Im sure the guilt will stay with him, as the pain of it all has stayed with me.
It's a situation to be avided at all costs between your husband and this woman, for everyone concerned. I think your husband would bitterly regret crossing the line that he is hurtling towards, and if you can stop him then he will certainly Thankyou for it later as he is risking losing you and his family if he does not.
The fact that he knows you are suspicious should be enough to stop him, if he does not then please take action and threaten to end things, as he shouldn't be treating you this way.
Him acting as though he is doing nothing wrong is ridiculous, not to mention insulting to you. He is heading for an affair, or a one night stand at least as sure as eggs is eggs.
Good luck with everything and do report back on how things go.
xxx
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (25 February 2008):
His behaviour is the classic male in an affair. Whether it is physical or not at this stage is almost not relevant. His head is involved and that is even more dangerous.
I do suggest you consult with a solicitor just to find out for yourself what your legal position is. In the UK some firms of solicitors offer a free advice clinic so you may be able to do this without expense. What I am not suggesting is that you end your marriage or even that you take legal steps. Just find out where you stand legally.
Continue with the counselling and I would also advise that you should have one or two counselling sessions without him so you can express your fears and seek advice for how you can find out the truth.
If he is sincere about mending your relationship then he should be looking for another job and not wait for this other person to resign. It would demonstrate his commitment to you more if he made that change than if he forced her to leave.
He also needs to set in place some means for you to be able to confirm that he is being honest with you, such as granting you permission with his mobile company to query his bill at any time, giving you access to his email, etc. In this it would be best if you asked him to suggest how you could reassure yourself about these things and see what suggestions he comes up with. That would be better than backing him into a corner and making him feel bad all the time (even if you want to make him feel like this). The orientals have a philosophy of "saving face" where someone who is in a position of influence or who may have done something wrong can preserve some of their dignity and reputation. The thinking behind this is that they are more likely to be willing participants in making things right again. I have used this approach to conflict at work and at home and it has usually been helpful. Of course there are some who still do not help themselves to improve. I guess what I am trying to say is that as you consider what would reassure you, also think about ways to communicate that allow him to save face while still moving towards your desired goal. An ordinary man who is humiliated makes for a less pleasant and more uncooperative spouse than a man who feels he can retrieve the situation with the right choices.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 It cannot be help that you will have those feelings when they work together. You need to handle those emotions in a matured and rational way.
You need to have concrete proof that they are on to something and not just based on some circumstantial evidence. If you cannot get the proof, then you should give him the benefits of doubt.
You can be more alert and let him account for his time and actions to you .That is all you can do for now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Yes, I don't know of any reason he would need to call a "friend from work" who is a female, single at home every night or at 3:30AM for any reason, their friendship/coworker relationship has crossed the line into affair territory.....I don't blame you for being upset...this is becoming pretty common in our world due to all of the time people spend at work an the fact that men and women at work like the ego strokes they get from the opposite sex, it is all so exciting (being facetious here)....I am sorry this is happening to you especially since you are pregnant and don't need this added stress in your life, but don't let this go ignored, go to counseling, get to the bottom of it and hopefully you can affair proof your marriage...Take care.
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A
female
reader, Aylarsh  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 I think that this is very serious and if he does this to you while you are carrying HIS child that he will be a horrible father to your child. He's getting defensive like he has something to hide so I would bring this up you two do need to talk. He's deleting things that he doesn't want you to see so I would think that, that is rude. He trys to make you think that you're going insane with this but you shouldn't listen to him. You two have 1 child and another one on the way. It's best if you take a break and go live with your parents or something. THis is to much stress for you and your baby. You shouldn't stop worrying and you should let him know that you know that he is up to something that isn't right. Even if she is fired from the work space they will still see each other. Just get out of the house and away from him. WHat he is doing is unfair to you, and makes you stressed out which could lead to a possible miscarriage. Let him know this so he can reconsider what he is doing. If you stay with your parents or maybe a girlfriend than it will scarhim to think that you can leave him at any moment. Don't tellh im when you are coming back infact suprise him, but have a neighboor or someone watch the house and see if some girl comes by maybe.
I wish you luck and if you have anymore questions or anything please message me.
I wish you luck love!!!
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