A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok here goes...I'm 18, and my husband is 19. we've been married for 8 months. we have a daughter, who is 2 years and 2 months and i'm 11 weeks pregnant with our second child.Basically, i know in my heart that my husband is gay. He claims he is bi sexual, but he's cheated on me literally more times than i can remember with men, and recently i discovered a secret Facebook profile where he was listed as Gay and single, asking "Boys 18+ add me ;)" "I'm looking for a secret boyfriend to love" Etc etc. He claims its ex friends he had a bitter argument with trying to cause problems, but i know how my husband writes, i know it was him. I know he is gay.I know it may seem obvious to leave him, but its not :( He's a wonderful father and our daughter worships him, and we're expecting another baby, we're very much actively involved in his family and mine, appearing at all family functions as a content family, and if it got out that he was gay, the family would disown him completely and likely our children too. Not to mention I love him more than anything. And he's so loving to me, cuddly, kissy affectionate, generous, loving. A great sex life and He tells me he loves me all the time, and is openly loving even behind closed doors, Maybe he truly is bisexual? I don't know what to do? Someone please help :'(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Thankyou all so much for your replies, i really appreciate it. I think i'm going to end things with him, i'm really thankful that i heard from others to confirm i was doing the right thing. Thankyou All Xxxxx
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 A bisexual cheater if anything.
Ignore the fact that he has cheated on you with MEN. Imagine he cheated on you with women. Would that change the matter at all? Wouldn't you kick a cheater to the curb? No word needs to get out that he is gay, or bisexual. But he cheats on you! He lies to you! He deceives you!
Your daughter adores him now, because she is young. When she grows old enough to understand that her father is a cheating liar she probably will NOT love him as much, and certainly not look up to him. She might instead look at you and wonder why you decided to stay with a man who does not respect you or your marriage. Think of what kind of role model you are to your child.
If it was only a matter of your husband being gay it'd be different. He could be gay, tell you in confidence. You and him could have talked about it. Maybe you would decide to stay married but have an open marriage where he gets to date his boy-toys, and you have your own lover on the side. If only he had been HONEST with you, his gayness might not have mattered as much.
But he isn't honest. Quite frankly I don't see his sexuality as being of any relevance. The man cheats. Treat him like a cheater. Make sure he gets tested and stop having sex with him, because who knows what kinds of STD's be will bring home. Those STD's can harm your unborn child you know. And with you not knowing if he uses protection, or even how many men he has on the side... is that really worth taking the risk?
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A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 He sounds bisexual, but either way that's not really the issue. He's still cheating on you, whether it's men or women, he's not being faithful, or safe. He may be a great family man and husband when he's not cheating, but he's still disrespecting you. Unless you can become okay with this or consider an open marriage, you should consider ending this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): It does not sound like a stable environment to live in.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): Ultimately it's up to you to decide what is best for you. I don't think you're really happy with the situation or you wouldn't be asking a question here about your husband's sexuality. My guess is he is not stable if he is putting secret profiles up and cheating on you, he is most likely having unprotected sex with random partners and thus exposing you to stds and hiv. He may be a sex addict. As far as his sexuality goes I believe he is gay and he may decide to be primarily with men at some point- he is very young and he is leading a double life now. At some point in time he may not be able to do this anymore. You really need to protect yourself and you need to weigh the happiness you think you have now with the reality of what is really going on here and with what may come in the future.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 If you really want to put a label on him, I vote for bisexual.
There are lots of people that feel capable of having a relationship of love and affection only with a member of the opposite gender,... but feel that sex with the same gender is more exciting and stimulating - probably because of the "naughty secret" factor.
I don't see though what difference does it make , since he is going to cuckold you anyway. Are you Ok with that ?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2012):
 A man having sex with other men on the down low IS cheating on his wife. He may be bi-sexual, fine, but that doesn't mean he gets to sleep with other people and thus expose his wife to STDs, including HIV. Risky behavior leads to virus transfer and there are thousands of women out there who were infected by husbands who sleep around.
I would suggest you check out a support group, I have found you a link for the one specific to your case: http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php They have a message board too that is filled with stories of people in your situation. http://www.voy.com/86426/
You may find a counselor that has some experience in this situation who will be sensitive to your wanting to stay with him. Maybe there is a way to work it out. In the meantime, you have to protect your health, which means no sex without barrier protection. Dental dams, male or female condoms. Tell your doctor about the situation and she can check to make sure you aren't going to pass something along to your baby during childbirth, and that you yourself are STD-free.
A cheater can be a lovely and charming man, but that doesn't negate the fact that he is hiding things and lying to his wife. Sorry your new family has to face this issue. Best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Look, he is who he is. You actually love him for who he is. You have everything. Everything we would all love to have if we could ... a lovely daughter, a baby on the way, an amazing, loving guy who adores you and the children, and with whom you have a great sex life.
My advice? Forget the labelling for a moment. Don't wonder if he is this or that or the other. The point is: he is a great guy, and you have great sex with him. He obviously likes women as he likes you, and trust me, he wouldn't even be hardly able to force himself to have sex with you if he was purely gay.
He sounds like someone with a big kind of sexuality, a bit all-inclusive. There are lots of examples of cultures where men recognising male sexuality as well as female sexuality was actually even considered the normal thing. In Ancient Greece, for example. Sex was for everyone, with everyone.
So: don't fret about it, and don't try to pigeon hole him.
Let him be who he is. Let him send his messages, do what he does. I wouldn't feel jealous of him having sex with another man. I'd feel jealous if it was another woman.
So, again, I think: be happy. Accept him and don't stress about it. This is just him. But there is so much good in him, by the sound of it.
The only thing, as someone said, is to make sure he doesn't catch anything.
Maybe you need an open chat with him about this. And if you could possibly give him your blessing, and tell him it's his body and his life and so long as he loves you and the kids, you will trust him to be sensible. And tell him you hope maybe one day he won't need to do this, but if he does for now, could he keep it to messages only, rather than actual contact?
I don't agree he is cheating. And I think you need, in a marriage, to be very generous-spirited and accepting. You are his family now. Like his mum, you need to accept all, and work with him.
He sounds like a keeper. So work out how to keep him.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Whether he is gay or bisexual is this really the life that you want? Loving a man that is willing to sleep with a man and cheat on you then come home are play happy families with you? Dont you and your children deserve more?
You are so young and you dont deserve to be cheated on for the rest of your live, lots of people are bisexual but they can be faithful.
You need to tell him you wont put up with this, he either need to be with you and just you or if he wants to be with men then he cant have that and play family man too.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 He seems bisexual because he is with you. But he's cheating on you all the same. I think that, if you're MARRIED, that means you won't have escapades with anyone else of either sex. Maybe you want or prefer things that way, but he is cheating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): People will laugh at what I'm about to suggest.
In days of old, it was quite common for a King/Ruler to have ONE Wife and have access to concubines. The reason was of prestige and to populate the area with his seed to better secure his rule/throne.
Then you have the poly marriages, where there is a central or First Wife, and she oversees the home, the rules, and other Wives.
I think your Husband is Bisexual. He cherishes you but has let his bisexual needs rule over him so that he may not ever be monogamous no matter who he is with, be it male or female.
He wants his Family, the security it offers and maybe the front of it to hide his bisexuality. That will only last for so long so, I'm thinking he's still young and doesn't realize he can't keep up that front for long. Word gets out.
My thinking, you are First Wife and honoured with that title and role in his life.
You want to know if he will always come home to you and your family and fulfill his role and duties to you. Never to put others before you and the family. If he can commit to this- then you may able to cope with his sexual appetite.
?? Sound about right?
I would just be open about it all.
Me, I think if it ever became acceptable to the laws of the land in Canada - and I think its headed that way- would I be able to be married to a man that will want other wives?
Basically I would have to have FIRST WIFE Role. No others become before me. The other wives will have to submit to my governing over the home. I am the one that safe gaurds my Husband, our Children, His children, our Family, Our Home. The other wives would support our home and rules or get the boot.
Its an odd way of thinking I know, but I see a future where the NEED of men to woman ratio would be that there will be more woman over men. Look to the UK already. So much grief, heartache, contention because women are stealing men from others; the men are sleeping around.
Best to spearhead it all and adapt. I say.
Best thing is to let husband you know and talk it out as a loving couple. After much mediation on the subject and to see if you are able to be what your Husband wants of you, or you want a monogamous, loving, faithful Man that forsakes all others and you are the First and ONLY Love in his Life.
Could be hubby is a sex addict and not necessarily gay/bisexual. This case, couples counselling.
Hang in there!
*hugs*
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): I just want to comment that the OP shouldn't have to cope and "make it work". If her husband is cheating and she's not OK with him having sex with me, then she has every right to leave him. There should be a little give and take within a relationship, but by many people's standards that's completely unacceptable behavior.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): Whether he is gay or bisexual is immaterial, the bigger picture is that he's cheating on you with men. That puts you at risk for HIV and STI's, plus it shows no regard for your feelings. So what if he says he loves you, he runs around on you behind your back. So his actions show he does not love you.
The only advice I can give you in this situation is to give him an ultimatum - be a loyal husband, or end the marriage. Unfortunately my experience is that "once a cheater, always a cheater". Your husband is probably too selfish, and likely too immature to stay faithful. If he's a good father but not a good husband because cheats, and he's putting your health at risk, then you'd be asking for heartache if you stay with him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 February 2012):
 if he's bisexual and he's careful and safe and open and honest and you can cope with it you can make this work.
if he's GAY or lying and not having safe sex with others then you need to consider leaving.
you also need to get STD testing if he's having unprotected sex with men.. he puts you and your unborn child at risk with that behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): You are defending him, yet you complain. If you are okay with being married to a possibly gay man then stay put with him. Not to mention the risk of stds he is putting himself you and possibly future kids you two may have in. If he is looking for love what if he finds it? Then what, will you be okay with your husband leaving you and the kids to spend more quality time with the man he loves. If all this is okay with you then just stand by him.
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