A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all.I would like to get feedback from both men and women on this one. I am in a marriage crisis right now and at this point, I am leaning towards a seperation. My husband of 10 years looks at porn all the time. One day he left a porn clip on his cell and our 8 year old daughter saw it and cried. I was furious. I don't mind that he looks at porn, but I was angry that he left it there and our daughter accidentally viewed it. Well, 3 days ago my husband was in the kitchen deleting his browser from his Blackberry. (He and I were alone at the time) I grabbed his cell so I could see what he would be hiding from me. He about crapped his pants and in a tone dripping in panic said, "Give me my phone". When I started to go into the phone, he chased me around the house as fast as I could run so that he could get the phone back before I could see. Keep in mind that minutes before this happened, we were standing there talking and his cell kept ringing. Both calls each had a seperate ring tone. He didn't answer the phone. Needless to say, I lost it. He swears up and down he was looking at porn. I told him that I wasn't buying that because had it just been porn he wouldn't have had the reaction he did. We have been arguing since then and I am ready to walk out the door. He is mad that I think he's cheating on me and he actually said that he's the victim. He told me that it was nothing and that he wasn't discussing it anymore and that we could just move past it or he was moving out. I think his every reaction is a defense mechanism. I hacked his email account and in his sent box was an email from a gmail account with the title of: Sisters. The sent message said , "so what are you doing today. The reply he sent said, "so how do you think you know me?" He says it was Spam from craigslist. I informed him that was in his sent box. He said, "I don't know, I thought it was someone who knew me". This brings me to searching personals on craigslist. I found 2 that matched his age in our area. One even had his first name as a handle. After I told him that I KNEW those were him, BOTH of those names disappeared from craigslist. I have made myself sick. I have had a microwaveable cup of rice and a cheeseburger in 3 whole days. The past three nights I have been up until after 3am. I am driving myself crazy with so many scenarios going through my head. At this point I feel like he hasn't slept around but is chatting through personals. I don't think I can stay in the marriage because my trust is ALL THE WAY GONE at this point. Am I wrong to be upset? He is trying to make me feel like the bad guy. I wouldn't do that to him. Please, especially the men on here, give me your opinions. I intend to show him because I'm pretty sure the general consensus on here will agree with me that he crossed a line and not myself. Thanks guys.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): I don't want to throw 10 years away but I have no trust now. My husband delivers furniture for a big furniture co and is always on the road. After I posted that I got his cell and he sent one of his delivery partners an email and mentioned the girls in miami. I'm done. I'm a good woman and I'm an open book. He knows I don't run around on him or that thought doesn't even have to cross his mind. I don't have enough trust to make it work anymore with him being all the way on the west coast every other week. I can't put myself through the misery of wondering what he's doing on the road. Thanks for the replies. I already knew it was wrong but with so many confirmations I've gotten the courage to leave. Thanks for listening guys.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): I have lived through this and his reaction is exactly the same as i got. Now,if he has no intention of stopping the next move is changing his age and location etc so its overlooked. He is guilty,not you. Do not accept any blame. He may start to say you was never there for him,call you paranoid and insecure. If there was problems he could try to talk it out or leave. He has been caught. I now i wonder where this porn come from. Yes men watch it, but through a phone and how you descibe it, as a male i feel is worrying and needs banning. These contacts send each other pics and also sex text. Make sure you havent overlooked anything thinking it was normal porn. Remember,if he'd not had done this you wouldnt have even thought of checking emails etc. If he makes any attempt to do this again then you know what your in for. My ex still doesnt know what else i found. Another tactic was to say it was left to see if you was snooping,you was set up,it shows just how much you trust me,i never get the benefit of doubt,the accuser is always the cheater etc. They are a type you wont ever understand unless you are one of them. I think you need better.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Looking at porn is a normal guy thing, but doing it constantly and allowing your spouse, (and your daughter!), to know about it is just degrading. People who threaten to walk out when they're confronted about their unfair actions are usually guilty of something, even if it's only emotional blackmail, (which is no small thing in a marriage). He may not have cheated physically, but it sure sounds like he's contemplating it if he's giving out his private number, and, guessing from what you wrote, it seems he's deliberately taunting you with it. It sounds as though you're a very tolerant woman and he's taking advantage of your good nature, and then trying to manipulate you into believing that you're committing some crime by being angry at him. What he's doing is a form of bullying. Men like that don't deserve the love of a good woman. Good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): In my view, one does not have to "have sex" to qualify as a cheater. Having an emotional affair, personal relations with another I know nothing about and the general behaviour your husband is having is enough for me label the other to have cheated on me. Somethings are can be worked through, and other things are unforgivable because they are unforgettable.
In your case you need to get some solid facts about what he is hiding before running your mind into scenarios. Don't waste your energy in assuming, nope, put it into finding out what exactly is going on.
He is hiding things on his cell, didn't you get chance to find out? Someone with nothing to hide, obviously would not freak out when you grabbed their ph.
And the emails well, it could be as he said but the craiglist is quite interesting.
But obviously you have sensed that something is just not right with him and it needs to stop. You treating yourself this way isn't going to make him feel sorry for you and confess, and you are putting up with it. If I were you I'd have hired someone to follow him around, tail him and find out just what he is doing. I am not someone who stands for this kind of thing, and no one should dare to threaten to leave me because of such circumstance. If I were you and that was the case, it's better that he leaves because he's just taking advantage of a good life.
Well its just my opinions and its what I would have done. I think most women here that would leave opinions would not stand for that kind of thing as well. I mean there is a chance he is innocent, but he is obviously hiding something and I think everyone can agree to that.
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A
female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 i would definitely be suspicious about the phone thing, if you say you are ok with him looking at porn then he shouldn't have panicked so much, unless he was looking at some weird kind of kinky porn he doesn't want you to know about.
And as for the personals thing, if they were really him which to me it sounds like they were, that is definitely unacceptable. If (and I'm not saying 100% it was him) he was seeking another partner or someone to have sex with he is clearly unhappy in your relationship. I would say if you want to salvage the relationship counseling will be needed. There is no trust in your relationship and trust is such an important factor needed in any relationship, without trust you cannot truly love and will always hold resentment to each other.
You need to talk to him (not when you are both angry) and tell him to be truthful to you, tell him how hurt you are and that you are serious about leaving.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 I have every sympathy with your situation. Although I have been a 'player', and treated women very badly when I was younger, as I grew and matured I have become a great believer in marriage, or fidelity. I think that partners should do everything they can to overcome any issue.
I also believe that it takes two to cause a bad marriage. Although your husband is undoubtedly in the wrong, and his behaviour is immensely suspicious, step back from your anger for a moment, and try to be objective.
I cannot condone cheating in any way, shape, or form, and find it difficult to forgive. So judging by your husband's reactions and demeanour, I believe he is trying to act like a single man, even if he has not been unfaithful.
So I would ask if you can set your anger aside. It's difficult. But after 10 years, do you want to walk away because you are angry? Walk away for a good reason. If you are suspicious and you feel you can't trust him, that is a good starting point for your discussions. Tell him how you feel, and if he can't or won't accept your feelings, and is not prepared to work on setting your mind at ease, then he is hiding something.
I would calmly ask to see his mobile, and print off any suspicious emails you found. If he gets defensive, again, he is hiding something. Try not to get angry, and do not stop talking about it.
I know you feel he has 'crossed the line', and maybe he has. But just ask yourself WHY he did it. I am not blaming you, but he probably will. He might get some feeling or excitement from trying to be 'single' that the marriage doesn't give him. It could be anything (men are rubbish at communication). Ask him WHY he is behaving like an idiot.
I would hate to see another marriage go down the drain through anger, resentment, and unresolved suspicion. Keep the dialogue going, despite your anger. And please eat something.
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A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 My take on this.
The cell phone issue may have been porn that he felt was embarrassing.Bestiality/gay sex being possible examples.Do I believe it was porn?Not for a second.
The email issue is to weak to support your claim.If this was all you had I would say in favor of your husband.But compiled with the craigslist issue warning sirens are blaring.
The craigslist issue when both names suddenly disappear. Highly suspicious, but again proves nothing.
His reaction to your accusations fit the role of a typical cheater.
Now my advice to you is to think things through rationally. Separation is pretty much inevitable I would think, but do so on your terms.Get real physical prof that he is being unfaithful.As it stands you know it in your heart. But make it so you can prove it in court.You may have jumped the gun on things and alerted him to your knowledge,and he has covered his trail.It may take some time but he will slip again.Try hiring an investigator.Or you may try this soft wear.( http://www.webwatchernow.com/Monitoring-Software/Freetrial/FAQs.html?sid=114#install ).I haven`t tried it so can`t vouch for it but take a look and see what you think.Go ahead an talk to a lawyer.Don`t alert your husband any more than you already have.If you up and leave him now you will be the victim.Make HIM pay for HIS indiscretions when it come time to get the divorce.This is just what I would do in your shoes.Good luck.
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