A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This older guy who I am friends with, told me that if he ever got married in the future, he would never tell his wife that he had a sexual relationship with an African American woman because, she would look down on him and so would the entire Ukrainian community. My friend said that this African American woman is the perfect woman...she is very beautiful, she has been a good friend to him and she is the best kisser and skilled lover he has ever had BUT he doesn't see a future with her and that he only wants her friendship and her body to pleasure his. He also says that he respects this woman and is not ashamed of her...but I beg to differ. I told him he is very much ashamed of this woman. I have met this woman my friend speaks of and she is a decent, beautiful human being with a good heart and when she found out how he truly felt about her, she broke off the friendship and now my friend says he scared and doesn't understand why she just can't accept that they aren't meant to be in a committed relationship, but just good friends. In other words, he wants this woman back in his life. I spoke to her after she decided to lose contact with him and she said that she still has a great deal of feelings for him and that she would have even considered being just friends with him, but that she couldn't even be friends with a man who gives off this air of being ashamed or embarrassed by her race or culture. She says his statement was rude and demeaning that that it showed just how "highly" he thought of her not just as a woman, but as a human being. Should she be friends with a man who says he wouldn't want anyone from his culture to know that he was in a sexual relationship with a African American woman? Is my friend a jerk? What should this woman do? My friends seem to really want this friendship with her.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): Muslim religion and one of Eastern Europe is VERY MUCH different.You cant even start comparing it. I'm from Ukraine, and very few families in Ukraine are even religious at all. Now everything changed with open borders. Our children grew up being completely free of any racial views. My daughter is 26, about your age OP, if you friend is also in that age bracket, and living in states, he does belong to new generation. This is only HIS point of view, but not the whole Eastern European community, or at this point Ukrainian. In fact our daughter is dating for a few years now a boy from China, and they are planning on getting married. When at first I expressed my opinion about the unusual situation, she only laughed. I know several Ukrainian families even quite orthodox where children married to black, Asian, Jewish and Arabs. It was their choice, and families learned to accept it.Even if your friend.s family are looking down on different races, if he didn't share their views, he could make a life with a woman he loves. It's his choice as well, but of course it's comfortable for him to put a blame on his surrounding.It has nothing to do with respecting his believes or not. I wouldn't be with a man for such a long time knowing that he thinks of me as inappropriate partner in life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): Yeah he's a jerk. What if someone didn't like you cause you were poor? Or you were overweight? Or something really superficial like that. It's all the same thing. It's a bigoted, close minded outlook on life. And it's horrible. That is so humiliating and condescending. She shouldn't be friends with him, he doesn't deserve her and she certainly doesn't deserve to be treated that way.
I want to add also, I don't like to generalize, so I won't. With that said, I have met more than a handful of Ukrainians and certain Eastern Europeans from that region and that way of thought seems to be very standardized in that part of the world. The ones I have met have the same mentality as your friend, it seems to be ingrained in the culture...just saying.
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A
female
reader, chinana  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 If she is looking for a serious and long term commital relationship of which your Ukranian friend is not in a position to offer her because of the colour of her skin and the prejudices that this guy and his culture has against blacks then what is the point of being friends. I think your friend is a jerk for stringing her along, he was a touch deceitful for using her for her company and sex when he knew he couldnt offer her more than that.If he knew he could never tell his future wife he had a relationship with another woman, then why date one...for fun, to experiment and in the process hurt someones feelings. If he wanted a friend then he should have told her that from the beginning and not strung her along. She has every right to be angry and if I was in her shoes I probably would cut all ties with your Ukranian friend as well.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 The definition of racism is believing a certain race is inferior to other races. When you decide not to date a certain race simply because you care about what other people think, you don't want to deal with dirty looks or gossips, then it is also a kind of racism. He would be a nicer person to not involve with this lady because see how easily his real thoughts came out? If he doesn't want to offend anyone he better keep his mouth shut. He also should not do anything that his future wife would not be happy about, since he is so indiscreet and he seems to feel so proud about letting you know all this.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 He is right in thinking that people would look down on him in the Ukraine.
The Ukraine (and Russia) is inherently rascist as a nation. It's not his fault. If anything he is NOT one of them since he has been with someone of African American origin.
What does it matter anyhow?
She should leave him. He shouldn't go there if he's not interested in a long-term relationship but then who are we to decide what people do. Plenty of man AND women pursue sexual relationships with no long-term future.
He is stringing her along. But then that happens all the time. I don't believe that is right but who are we to judge. Did you know in 1 in 4 marriages the woman isn't in love with the man the marry when they marry? Did you know 80% of women wouldn't marry the same man if they could go back in time?
I don't agree with stringing people along. I'd rather not waste my own time to be honest. He is keeping her there as quality backup until he meets the one.
She should realise by now there is no future in it and leave.
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A
female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] +, writes (8 January 2013):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) Good thing she ended it with him. I wouldn't ever want to be like someone like that. Call him not racist all you want, if he had a problem with her he should have told her that himself. But no, he has to keep it hidden until she's confronted by you, good thing she ended the contact, she deserves far better. Okay, if it is his culture, they should change that, people are different. So what? Get the fucck over it, the world would be boring if we were all the same.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 January 2013):
Well he's not exactly a great guy but sometimes it's not as simple as him being a racist or not.
Ukrainian people are frequently pretty close minded and shallow. His background means that he has these things a part of who he is.
But, he is an adult able to make his own decisions and I'm sure he's aware that what he said wasn't very nice.
I wouldn't expect her to want to be with him any more.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 January 2013):
He is a jerk if he is not straightforward with this African American woman, that sex is all there is. He is not a jerk if he's honest at the beginning and she is happy with just sex. If he mentioned they are FWBs there is no need for an explanation why only FWBs.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Oh, and if he continues to pressure her for a continued "friendship" then he IS a jerk.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 January 2013):
I'd say your friend did the right thing for herself. I hope you're not considering engaging in a sexual relationship with this college professor too, if you expect more than 'friendship' from him.
Why are you putting yourself in the middle of something that is hers and his to decide?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): I believe he was being a jerk. Simply because if he KNEW that this type ox relationship will Be frowned upon, why go there in the first place?! I completely disagree with Cerebus that she should understand that its his culture. He was the one aware of his culture and decided to have a fling with her. Not the other way around! Being an African American woman from the deep south I completely understand her view! I am constantly judged by the color of my skin, hardly ever by the content of my character! Its his loss not hers!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): No, he's not a jerk and he's not racist, it's just his culture. Ukrainians are notoriously prejudiced culturally and "traditional" OP. He was just being honest according to his beliefs. I know Pakistani men dating Irish women that only see them as flings because they can't marry them or be in proper relationships with them.
"she couldn't even be friends with a man who gives off this air of being ashamed or embarrassed by her race or culture."
Well it works both ways OP, she doesn't respect or acknowledge his culture either.
He's not ashamed of her, he just can't settle down with her. His family and community wouldn't accept that, her or him anymore and he's chosen not to abandon that.
I don't agree with his culture but I certainly understand it. We have a lot of Eastern Euros here and I have quite a few as friends, aswell as Pakistani and even some African friends. it's not going to work for your friend so perhaps she stay away from him but cast him down for the way he was raised. If he was racist he wouldn't exactly have been as nice to her or treat her the way he did. He has done nothing at all to racially abuse her, she's the one who feels he's ashamed but he's not, would she abandon her identity, family, the culture of her race to be with him? Hell no, so what's the difference?
I don't know any Pakistani girls that would be caught dead dating Irish guys, and I've tried. It's not a disrespect, it's a simple matter of who they are. I'm not a Muslim, they cannot marry a non-Muslim and they cannot enter relationships with guys they're not going to marry. There are always exceptions of course. But this guy was in no way being racist. Stop trying to impose your cultural ideologies on him and try and understand his. He meant nothing bad by any of this. He's just not going to abandon his family, culture and identity for her, that's that.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Is your friend a jerk? No. he's a cowardly racist
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 January 2013):
 I agree with SVC except that I don't think it's because he's old school. I think it's because he's from a country where there are almost no people who aren't white. Some people from certain parts of Europe are still very bigoted or ignorant. I am not condoning his attitude, not for a single moment, and I do think he's a jerk, just like anyone else who only sees someone for what colour their skin is.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Should she be friends with him? That's her choice. She said no and to be honest I don't blame her.
she's good enough to fuck but not good enough to marry or show off to his family and friends? that's wrong. It may be race, but to be honest it doesn't matter if it's about race or religion or age... he has her slotted as "good enough to fuck but not good enough to treat properly"
Is your male friend a jerk? No, he's just set in very old school ways with a very old school mentality. Growing up for me, we were not even allowed to date outside of our religion. Had I brought home someone of a different race I probably would have been grounded for life.
My 26 year old son is now experiencing the stress from his dad and stepmom to only date girls of our religion. He does not feel that is important and his dad and stepmom have pretty much cut him out of their life because of it.
IF your friend comes from a traditional family like that and he's not willing to lose the friends, then I get it.
what should she do?
stick to her guns. she's not some play toy for him to use as he sees fit.
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