A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well,I just got engaged and my fiancee has been acting strange. I usually pick him up from work and everyday all he talks about is his female co-worker. He apparently talks to her about everything, even the problems in our relationship. Apparently, his communication with her is better than ours (we've been having problems with that). Theres pictures of her on his phone and now he's buying stuff to play jokes on her while we are out shopping. That kinda upset me cause earlier that day I wanted to get something for us but he didnt want to spend the money, even thought it was only a dollar more than what he got her. Awhile ago, I found out that they have been having lunch and occasional breakfasts together, I made it clear to him that I wasn't happy with that and he just thought it was funny that I got mad. I'll admit, I'm starting to get jealous and I'm not sure what to think. Everytime I bring it up he starts fighting with me. What should I do? I'm starting to think if he isn't already cheating he soon will.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): I think that you need to review your future with him, and tell him so. Tell him that you want a life partner who will love and cherish you, respect you, confide in you, be true to you and grow old with you. At the moment there are a few key elements of this partnership which you do not have. He does not respect your concerns about this relationship with his friend, and if he did he would do something about it. He has proven himself through his continued behaviour as not offering you or your relationship respect. I would suggest very seriously that you both see a relationship therapist if you want this partnership to continue.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Hey there,
I can feel your pain. I've been in the same situation before where I would ask him about the "friend" and he'd get mad at me. Turns out he was doing special things with her - going out to lunches, buying her flowers and jewelry, helping her out at her home (things that her boyfriend would have been able to help her out with..yes, she was in a relationship with another guy)amongst other things. Whenever she paged him (yes that was a while back), he would tell me he had to go cause she needs him. I found out they were sleeping with each other. Now I'm not saying that your guy and that woman are sleeping with each other, but what I'm saying is they are being disrespectful to you and the relationship. Your man should be much more attentive and loving toward you. And if there was nothing going on to begin with, then why would he get upset? Why would he turn the tables on you? I'm with an awesome man that I love (we're engaged now) and he treats me like a queen. I tell him everyday how much I love him and how much I appreciate him. And when concerns come up, he's so much more patient, attentive, loving and very compassionate. You can have that too. Find out what you want first. Is this the man you honestly want to marry? Can you see yourself 10 years from now with him acting the same way he is constantly getting mad at you everytime you ask something? You are a precious gal and you deserve only the best. That's my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This does not sound right. Yeah it sounds like he has a crush on her, clearly. What I don't get is his total lack of respect for you as his main girl. How you get bothered (and have every right to) and he takes it as a joke? He has pics of her on his phone? What is wrong with this guy? He obviously feels like he can treat you this way without consequences. You need to toughen up. Nothing of what he is doing is appropriate. Stop talking to him as you see how he reacts, either gets hot and bothered or laughs at you. As you see by his reaction there is no point discussing this with him. This guy has not much respect for you. If I were you I would give him back his ring and break up with him, simple as that. I think how he is treating you is awful. He is trying to minimize your concern so he can continue to get away with this. Tell him to f*ck off. Honestly, that is what you need to do. You don't deserve this. Give him a wake up call.He will probably regret it. But staying the way things are, you are right, it is leading to something even worse (as if it weren't bad enough already.) End it right away. Don't stand for this. Give him a taste of what life is like without you. You deserve THE BEST. This guy is treating you BADLY. Don't stand for it anymore. Good luck. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 December 2010):
He fights whenever you bring up your genuine concerns. This is classic behaviour for cheaters. They try to turn the tables to make you the bad guy who started the fight while in reality they're the ones who have to explain themselves.
If you can't talk it out without him throwing a hissy fit, write a note and leave it there for him. This might seem old fashioned, but it's a good way to get your point across without having to argue. Change it up, maybe something like this:
"What do you think of the following situation? Be honest.
I got a new coworker. He's very nice and we've become good friends at work. We talk about everything, even relationship problems. While you throw a hissy fit whenever I bring something up, he actually listens. Isn't that nice? And because I like him so much I keep a picture of him on my phone. Even though I am engaged, I prefer having breakfast and lunch with my coworker. Well, I can't help it, he's just so fun to be around! As a joke, I even buy him presents when I go shopping with my fiancé! Though my fiancé said he would like to have something, I told him no, so we can save money. And ofcourse that way I can buy even more things for my 'friend'!"
If he doesn't 'get it' after this you might as well end the relationship.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 December 2010):
 He likes her. I can't say if he's cheating but I'm quite confident that he's more interested in her than you right now. This could be infatuation and pass, or it could be something more.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (13 December 2010):
 He may not be cheating, but it could eventually lead to that. His relationship with her is definitely inappropriate. Even if he isn't cheating, he should be respectful to your feelings. It shouldn't be an argument. If the situation was reversed and you had that kind of friendship with a man at work, how do you think your fiance would react if you wanted to buy this man presents or had breakfast and lunch with him?
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (13 December 2010):
 i don't care if he thinks it's funny, he should be thinking about how, regardless of your reaction, it still matter that you're hurt! If i were you i would give him an ultimatum and tell him to stop what he's doing; i don't think hes cheating, since hes' so open about their friendship but I think it's enough that he's willing to spend more on her than you two, who is the priority here?! good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Well, 1st let me explain something, he is cheating, its called "emotional cheating." Men that "flirt" or get too "cozy" with a female co-workers are looking for something they are missing in current relationship. It sounds to me like you have tried to open up communication lines by expressing that you were upset with their breakfast together but he doesn't seem willing to open up back. So, the problem seems to be with him, especially since he communicates so well with her. Given enough time the emotional cheating will eventually lead to physical cheating. You have every right to be upset. The pictures on his phone may be innocent but coupled with the other issues it is usually a dead give away that he has feelings for her. I am sorry to say it does not look good. Put your wedding plans on hold because it doesn't look like he's ready. When a man is ready to get married then it means he is truly ready to forsake all others, which he is not doing. If he won't talk to you about this civilly then I would get out of the relationship before you get hurt. Good luck darling.
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A
male
reader, jcams +, writes (13 December 2010):
You have every right to be concerned. I have several questions. Why does he have pictures of her on his phone? Why is he spending time with her when he has you? Why is he buying things for her? Even though they are "joke" items. I used to be a player and I know the tricks and I know the way it works. I am not going to accuse him of cheating but if I was the male described in your scenario I would be either considering cheating or I would have already done it. In my opinion you need to have a sit down with him and tell him your concerns. If he really wants to be with you then he will listen. If he does not listen then I would consider the relationship you are in and ask yourself if you want to be embarrassed and hurt later, or get some space now and hurt some. If you let him know you are serious about this then he should respect that if he wants to be with you. I truly hope that this works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): well i personaly think that he is to close to her. and your probably right if he hasnt cheated he most likley will. I dont think he needs to buy her any gifts at all. What right does he have to be a hiprorcrate and say that you cant afford something but want to spend the money on someone else.and if he gets mad its because hes trying to hide the fact that he likes this girl. I think you should keep pressuring him to talk about it with you and if he dosent want to listen do some investigation of your own. You dont want to be made a fool of.
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