A
female
age
30-35,
*nnaKat12
writes:My dad won't trust me. I am currently studying abroad in China and I have been here for a year already. My father never gave me any trouble until I got a boyfriend over here. He is four years older than me and I understand why that would worry them, but I still feel that my dad's lack of trust is unjustified. I have always been a good kid. I never got home drunk (I barely drink), no drugs, no smoking, and I barely go out clubbing and drinking. He used to be fine with me having a boyfriend but he suddenly changed. He does not trust me at all anymore! Tells me that I am turning into an alcoholic, that I am going crazy, and that my friends here are a bunch of screw ups. He says he trusts me but then says that trust doesn't mean anything to him and that he needs proof that I am doing what I say I do. Two nights ago we got into a huge fight because I told him I was working on a class project but he didn't believed me so he made me send him a picture of where I was (I was really working on a project). I got frustrated by his lack of trust and he said that he has all the right to demand of me of whatever he wants. He always tells his friends what an amazing relationship of trust he has with his daughters but it is all a lie. He won't trust me unless I he can control everything I do. He says I have to 'report to him every 12 hours'. If one day goes by without me messaging him he freaks out and get super pissed. I am 20 by the way, I think that makes me old enough? I don't go out on weekdays and barely go clubbing on weekends here in China. Yeah, I get intimate with my boyfriend, but we use protection and I am on the pill. Oh, and by the way I'm going to study in the States a month from now which means I will be on the other side of the world from him and which proves that I'm not giving up my education to be with some guy. If it is of any help, I do love him so much. Is my dad's lack of trust justified? Am I being unreasonable?
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (24 June 2014):
While I do see the point the other posters are making, I don't think your Dad is being fair by asking to to prove everything you tell him. Asking you to check in with him daily is a reasonable request given the distance and his tendency to worry, but twice a day is a bit much in my opinion. It's also way to much to expect you to take photographs of your work to prove you are doing it. Has anything happened in the past to make him doubt you? At the end of the day, it's your life and your education, and you are the one who is responsible for doing it. At some point your Dad is going to have to let go and let you make your own way in the world. At age 20, all a parent can do is send you off and hope that everything they have taught you has made an impact. And it sounds to me like it has in your case - you sound focused on your education and you sound sensible and independent. He may not see it because he is overcome with worry, but those traits are actually a testament to how well he has raised you.It's a tricky situation because it's your Dad and you don't want to hurt him, so I think your best choice is to give in to some of his smaller requests. Make sure you keep in regular contact with him and let him know you are ok. Also let him know your plans for the week so he can see how much time you have dedicated to studying. Let him know your grades too when you get them. If you are quite proactive about that, and contact him without him having to chase you, it should appease him a bit and will also let you plan out the rest if your day. In addition though, I also think it's fair to tell him that you are no longer going to bow down to his demands to prove everything you tell him. Provided he has no real reason not to trust you, tell him that you are an adult and you would like to be treated as such. You are also entitled to a social life provided it doesn't interfere with your education, so don't let him make you feel bad about that.Hopefully these steps should calm him down and back off a bit.
A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Hi AnnaKat,
Parents will always worry about their children (unless they are bad parents). The fact is you are thousands of miles away in a strange country and he hasn't gotten to see you in a year so far.
There is so much that could go wrong, you don't know their customs or their laws. You could end up in jail or heaven for bid, dead on a street corner one night and he would only find out in a newspaper.
Given all that, do you think he is being unreasonable. Oh and let's not forget you are only 20 and sexually and emotionally immature.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): He's a father worried crazy about his daughter who is hundreds, if not thousands, of miles out of his reach. He is also making sure you don't get too preoccupied with having a boyfriend. You could stray from your studies, get caught-up in your emotions; and god-forbid, your boyfriend could break your heart. You are in another country, dating, and only 20. He's too far away to catch his baby-girl if she falls!
In the States, you can't legally drink. So dad will not have to worry about that. He'll still have to worry about guys, and make sure you stay focused on your studies.
Don't ask your dad to stop being a father. It's his job and moral obligation to stay on your back. He is going to keep you focused on your schoolwork; and not some guy, who you'll most likely have to leave behind.
Yes, he should be concerned if you got pregnant; because that will change all your plans. Redirect your future. There could be many complications.
There isn't much he can do about your life now anyway. That's what tears him up. That's why he's so desperate.
You have a lot of responsibility in your hands. You're living in a foreign nation, attending university, and you're sexually-active. All at only 20! He has every right to make sure you don't screw up; and get yourself imprisoned, or fall-in with the wrong guy.
If I had the honor to meet him; I'd shake his hand for a job well-done. I would encourage him to keep up the good-work; but cut you some slack. He has a responsible, intelligent, and ambitious daughter. You're both so much alike, you get on each others nerves! Send him a copy of my response to your post.
I highly doubt that you will!
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