A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know how horrible this makes me sound but I can't seem to stop it, as much as I want to. He has a daughter who i just about 3 years old. Since the beginning of our relationship I always felt a tinge of jealousy when he'd cancel plans with me because something came up with his daughter. I just kept trying to tell myself that family must come first.Well now that I am expecting I find that these jealousy feelings are getting worse. Until I started showing (I'm about 5 months now) he never really acknowledged the pregnancy. Last time I saw him he kept rubbing my belly and kissing it and stuff which felt strange since he had never done that before. So I am not sure if he is starting to grow interested in the pregnancy. He tells me he doesn't regret it, although the timing was bad since we are struggling fiancially.Anyways with the jealousy I just feel like maybe he won't be there as much for this baby as he is for his daughter. I know he loves his daughter to bits and enjoys spending anytime with her he can but I don't know if he will do that with this baby. We live at different places so we rarely see each other and this past weekend he got his daughter. The mother decided to let him have another night with their child which kind of upset me a bit because he was supposed to come up to my house last night for a few days this week. He had orginally said he'd find a way up to my place but after I sent him a message that he assumed was me being coldhearted about it he said "whatever" and hasn't confirmed if he is coming or not today when his daughter goes home. Last few messages I sent him he ignored the part about me asking if he was still coming up and just answered something else or said "sorry my daughter comes first" even though I never once said that I wanted him to put me before her because I don't, even as jealous as I get sometimes I don't.Anyways, what should I do? I feel terrible being jealous of a little kid! I shouldn't be feeling this way, i should be happy he is a dedicated father to his first born, yet I feel like she is the only child of his he cares about. And now I'm worried he's going to be mad at me and not show up at all....
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): Now you add the fact the guy has no job? Odd that was left-out in the first post. You also claim to have used condoms and birth control. You may have used them, but you didn't use them consistently; and I am almost certain you got pregnant on purpose.
I do not believe you took so many precautions, and they did not work. The young mind does not always work with the proper amount of judgment. You needed a sure way to keep your boyfriend around. You noticed how he cared for his little girl, so having a baby would force him to have to be with your baby; thus you would be able to pull more of his attention toward you.
He's showing interest in the pregnancy as a natural curiosity. Not necessarily because he's looking forward to being a father for the second-time. He isn't planning on paying child-support; so he won't take on a job to be forced to pay it legally. Prepare to see a lot less of him.
If he doesn't like to work, and he already has a child with needs; he was a terrible choice from the start. You appear to be on your own, and that's why you need him so much. You mention nothing of your parents or family; so it was probably your bad choices that estranged or distanced you from your family.
I hope I'm wrong. I hope your parents are supportive and willing to contribute what they can to help you with the baby. I think a rebellious girl decided to get out on her own, and do as she pleases. I think she learned a lot of things about life; sooner than she was prepared for it.
I hope you reach out to social services for whatever help you need as a single-mother. You're going to need it.
You are going to need to get an education, you'll need help with child daycare while you work, and you will need to lessen your emotional-attachment and dependency toward that lazy loser of a boyfriend. Jealousy for a three year-old child is the least of your concerns.
You know he has abandoned you for being pregnant. That's what your posts are really about.
He shows more affection (or pretends to) for her, than he shows for you. If he really loved her, he would work and provide for her. The child's mother tracks him down and forces him to be a father. I don't think that jerk voluntarily offers his time. I think her mother makes him help with babysitting; since he doesn't contribute any money.
He does not care about you, if you don't see him much; and your getting pregnant is now your full responsibility.
It doesn't matter if you took precautions or not, you are five months pregnant now. Instead of figuring out how to deal with that loser, you need to make sure you have food, shelter, and everything you need for the baby and you.
You can still get free legal services to be sure that he helps to financially contribute to the support of your baby.
Eventually, he'll have no choice but to work. He's getting too old not to take on serious employment. He's recklessly making babies he doesn't take any responsibility for. He can't survive on small bits of cash doing chores like a little boy. He has to work. That's when he will be forced to take some responsibility for being so generous with his sperm.
You are now pregnant. The baby inside you now depends on you to make good decisions, and for you to be a good mother. You have to make sure he or she gets everything that baby needs to be safe, healthy, and happy. That's all that matters right now.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Ok, just to be clear, I am not calling you a liar. I take your word that you have been very scrupolous in using birth control , and just unlucky.
Let me say as a side note ,though, that by reading DC one would think that the human body has started working in a different way.
An inordinate amount of young women apparently get pregnant regardless of all precautions.
Now if you use both the pill ( or coil, or patch, or shots eyc. ) AND condoms, your probabilty of getting pregnant must be more or less the same as of being hit on your head by a falling meteorite- it CAN happen in theory , in practice it does not ( if you use your B/C correctly of course. If you buy b/C pills , then you forget to swallow them ,or you throw them up, eh well ).
Just saying, because it really struck me as bizarre.
ANYWAY : since apparently there's no foolproof way to avoid accidental pregnancies- and since apparently they happen more often than one would think - maybe a good thing would be to tackle the problem at its roots- from the very beginning, the selection of a partenr. I know how love and lust can totally obscure rational thinking, yet , at the moment of selecting a partner, of taking up with somebody, it would be wise and positive to stop and wonder : let's see now, and what if I should fall pregnant by this guy, what would it happen, how would he react / face his responsibilities ? has he got a job, wants one ? Has he got previous baggage / baby mama drama ? How come he even was a teen dad, what does this say about him... ? Etc.etc.
Maybe at the very first, when feelings and attraction haven't taken over very strongly, and it's easier to throw unsuitable fishes back in the pond, that prescreening would be a lot of help and avoid many problems.
Like yours : you do not deal well with " baggage " and with not being the one and only object of love ( not that I blame you too much, at your age it is sort of normal )... well, THIS was not the right partner for you....
What is done is done , OK- so now, the best for you would be focusing on this child , and not on ! the competition with another child, who, as other readers have said, is your babay's SISTER after all !
Of course your bf has to give her time and attention, - at least that, since surely he is not giving her a lot of finnacial stability, due to his lack of a job, and unwillingness to get one. And when he does, of coutse he will have to share his time between you and her,and basically juggle two families, what do you expect, it is what it is - now that he is just puttering around for his friends, he's got time for everything, - let him have a solid 9-to-5 and you'll see the time decrease, - children DO come first. You'd better come to terms with that, because it is unavoidable .
I also think though that it is ingenerous and unwarranted to conclude authomatically that he will favour his first born and won't get as attached to your baby : why ? You have no elements to say so, if this guy has any redeeming feature ,it's of being an affectionate dad, I don't see why he should adopt a different parenting style and different HEART with his second baby. I think that ANY dad needs a little more time to get attached to his offspring, than ANY mom. The mom feels her baby growing inside her body, right there, it's a very visceral, instinctive bond- dad needs to sort of get aquainted with new baby to " feel " it, needs to see it, hold it, .. needs sort of breaking ice first.
So , on this count, I would not be worried.
To be perfectly honest , though, I also would not count too much on the longevity, solidity and stability of your current relationship- he sounds like a flighty, let's take it a day at a time kind of guy... and there are so many factors, being young, being reckless ( if not you, HIM. What, he had two accidents regardless of dutiful B/C precautions, in less than 3 years ? that defies stats ) being broke, being unemployed, ... being lazy... living apart... his lies... your jealousy and possessiveness .... ), AGAINST this thing lasting - I understand that you want to make the best of what you have and make it work , but , let's say that unluckily the odds aren't the best.
So, first things first : focus on having the healthiest safest possible pregnancy, then focus on being the best single mom you can be , and in providing your baby with all the care and affection and material necessities he needs, with or WITHOUT this guy. What counts for you now- and from now on- is this child 's wellbeing, .. romance , let's keep our fingers crossed and hope all goes well, ... but anyway it is of secundary importance.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (24 June 2014):
You took the liberty to leave out the things you wrote in your text messages in your post. This allows me to assume that your text messages contained your jealousy and even though you did not ask him specifically to choose between you and his daughter, I am sure he saw right through you.
Jealousy is not a justifiable emotion. It does not warrant warmth nor consideration. I would begin towards the right path to think that this little is actually not your enemy but the person who will bring you closer to him. Being negative and jealous is bad habit only you can overcome. Your bf can not do that for you.
This timing is obviously bad, and with it will come some hard times. My best advice would be to begin focusing on your child and securing the foundations needed to bring it into this world with a solid future. It is not about you anymore, it is and will always be about the children and what is best for them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't post this is the first post and I should have. I did not get pregnant on purpose. I was using condoms and birth control and had even tried to get switched to something stronger and my doctor is the one who refused to give me a stronger form of birth control although I really wanted to be as protected as possible.As for him and working, he doesn't even have a job atm. I'm the only one working. I've been trying to get him a job but he hasn't taken job hunting seriously because the people he lives with and their next door neighbors pay him to do things around their house. I'm cerently looking for a second job but most places won't hire me because I am pregnant.Please don't assume that ever pregnant person plans it. And had I really known just how bad it was to be with him I probably would have left him way before but I fell for his lies and now I have to try and work with him to get things to work out.
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A
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reader, RevMick  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Hi,
I think being jealous of a 3 year old is silly. If you don't learn to control these feelings I think eventually you will come to resent her and him.
I would seriously ask you to consider why you decided to fall pregnant. If it was to try and make him pick you over her, then you aren't in the correct frame of mind at the moment to be in this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): Have you considered adoption? You will be a single mother - whether you're in a relationship or not because he won't be able to be there often for you OR your baby because he'll be bouncing between his daughter, your baby and maybe 5 - 15 minutes with you alone every few days and his work (probably with extra shifts).
You need to stop this petty jealousy; I know you want to stop it, but you literally have NO time for it now.
You need to rally your support and find a way to set yourself up as a single mother. THEN, and only then, can you sort out the extras. You need to figure out the essentials now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): If you're jealous of a 3 year-old child, you're too immature to be a mother. Did you get pregnant because you figured that would pull him closer? That you'd dominate all his time? Now that there are two children he has to support; he'll be spending a lot more time working!
You are now going to have to direct your attention to your baby. You must make sure that even if you don't get to see him much yourself; that he helps you. That will make him like you less; because he would be forced to work twice as hard to give you money.
It's not about you anymore. It's about the baby.
He cancels on you? That is what parents have to do when they have to work; or attend to their child's needs. Under all circumstances, they must put their children first.
He is a very foolish guy, making babies all over the place; and not committed to their mothers. Your little plan to get attention is going to backfire; because he still has a daughter with someone else. You will spend a lot of time without him all the same.
When the baby comes along, you'll grow-up real fast. You'll also have to work at some point; so you will not have the time to track-down your boyfriend. That is because you didn't use a condom; and now you are going to be a mother. You will learn what that means when you have a baby to care for around the clock. It will be a wonderful thing. Just don't expect much from papa.
It will not be about you, it will be about the kids. If he's not around a lot now, it's partially because he really doesn't want to be. Not to rule out the fact that he can't; because he will have to take on another job just to keep up with the needs of two children. He'll be run ragged between two mothers. As the older child grows, her needs will change. She already assumes the position of daddy's little girl. The new baby will be a novelty for a while; but it will be all about the baby!
His daughter will forever be his convenient and built-in excuse. She is his first. He could lie. You'll never know the difference.
Be sure you take care of yourself. Listen to your obstetrician. Eat right, get your rest, stay hydrated, and healthy. Try not to stress too much about your boyfriend.
He'll be around as much as he can. Try to be less jealous of his daughter, that's your baby's sister! You're very young, so a lot of your mixed-up feelings will change as you mature.
I wish you the best.
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