A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:A male co-worker of mine (a good looking, fun loving, church going, very nice guy) was having major issues with his marriage. His wife had become a hypochondriac, never wanted to do much of anything, and was basically boring. He had brought his mother to live with them (his wife's suggestion) when it was discovered she had Alzheimer's. She had lived with them for a couple of years and their marriage seemed to be declining fast for various reasons. His wife gave him the ultimatum that his mother goes or she goes. His mother is now in a home after he thought long and hard about it. He and I had talked about our problematic marriages over the years and we became sexually involved about 2 years ago. We began the relationship with a no commitment agreement but over almost a year feelings developed. From things he did and said I thought we might eventually end up together...him leaving his wife of 23 years and me leaving my husband of 31 years. I hadn't been happy in my marriage for a long time and had been contemplating making the break anyway. It just so happens that my co-worker's neighbor was going through a divorce and she was confiding in him and his wife. He decided no one should have to go through that kind of anguish and had second thoughts about leaving his wife. I told him that if he really wanted to see if his marriage could be saved he'd have to give 100% which meant no more me. He agreed and admitted his feelings for me had gotten too deep but wasn't sure if he wanted to make his marriage work. We eventually stopped seeing each other...for a short while. We have been on and off several times since then. He's started marriage counselling with his wife and says he's happy, that he loves her, that they've had some great times together and he wants it to work. We can't text or email via phone because his wife checks his messages. He's taken away most of the fun we were having to make her happy. With this said, he still continues to see me, we touch and kiss but no sex because he's trying to be good. I need advice as to what you think is going on. Does he care too much to let me go thus the on/off again relationship, is his marriage not fulfilling him, is he just using me because I'm convenient even though there's no sex involved? I honestly think he has feelings for me because he says he can't have his cake and eat it too (that's when he's trying really hard to be faithful to his wife). He tells me to move on because he doesn't want to mislead me. But he comes around to see/talk to me and says things that make me confused as to what he's feeling. In the meantime, my husband with whom I've been separated from for the last 2 years wants a decision from me by July 1 as to whether I want a divorce or try to work things out. He has been extremely patient and generous with me throughout our separation and I feel he deserves my cooperation. We start councelling next week. I have some feelings for my husband but have no sexual desire for him whatsover and feel it would be unfair of me to go back, especially when I'm not willing to give up this on again/off again relationship with my co-worker. I desperately want to believe he (my co-worker) cares for and comes back to me for the right reasons. I worry far more about his feelings for me than I do my husband's. I know it shouldn't be that way but I can't help how I feel. I don't know which way to turn. I never thought I'd allow myself to live this way because I'm not used to being second best. What's your opinion about my co-worker and his feelings for me?
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (10 May 2010):
 *If he wants his marriage, then have his marriage but he keeps coming back to me.*
Just because he keeps coming back doesn't mean you have to keep taking him back. You could easily take yourself off of this roller coaster by deciding to no longer participate in this game.
*If he had been treated in a loving and caring way he never would have drifted. He was driven away by his wife's lack of attention and love.*
He was never "driven away" because he never left. He's still there, remember, and he's planning to stay there. Life at home must not be all that awful...
For the record, I don't think you are a bad person. I do think, however, you are wasting your time, accepting less than you deserve and setting yourself up for heartache and loneliness. It seems you're leaving a mentally abusive relationship where you were unhappy for one that will never completely give you what you want--creating more unhappiness.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 You are just rationalizing and justifying your actions so that you won't feel guilty or wrong. You are both birds of the same feather.
Whatever happens in his family is not a matter for you to judge. For in judging you also condemned yourself as you are also living under the same standard.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (10 May 2010):
The problem with your suggestion, Q, is that this only works if a woman is a true pimpette. Being a pimpette has nothing to do with sex or money or exploitation, it's all about control, and a true pimpette is ALWAYS in control of her situation. A true pimpette can cut off the supply of sex and a man will STILL keep coming back because he realizes she is more than what's between her legs, even though he wants what's between her legs. A pimpette's happiness is not wrapped up in a man, but in doing what makes her feel good and enjoying her own life. She rows her own boat, makes her own choices and waits for no man.
Simply put, your suggestion cannot work because our OP is not a pimpette. She gave up her power when she decided that her lover's actions would influence her own course. When she chose to worry more about how this man feels about her than how she feels about herself, she gave up her ability to claim she-pimp status. See, her happiness is wrapped up in him, not in enjoying her independence after getting out of an abusive marriage. And if she cuts off the supply of sex, he'll be out the door.
Your plan could work with some women, but not this one.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (10 May 2010):
Does anyone else find it ironic that the poster views her relationship with her MARRIED boyfriend as exclusive and won't tolerate or forgive him for being "unfaithful" to her?
Anyway, the fact that you are even asking this question about his feelings proves that you don't know him as well as you think you do. If you really knew him, there would be no confusion in your mind about where you stood. Actually, he has shown you where you stand, but you choose to think otherwise.
He likes your sex and conversation.
He also likes the familiarity of his homelife with his wife.
Regardless of his motivation, he has chosen his wife over you. This fact is without dispute.
He blows hot and cold with you because he can. You're not going anywhere, so if he doesn't want to play with you this week, he doesn't have to.
If having bits and pieces of him is enough to make you happy, then so be it. Just make sure you know your role and don't get out of pocket. Make peace with the fact that he might care about you, but the person he cares most about is himself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, I am not hell bent on stealing anyone's husband. If he had been treated in a loving and caring way he never would have drifted. He was driven away by his wife's lack of attention and love. I have told him several times that I am not a home wrecker. If he wants his marriage, then have his marriage but he keeps coming back to me. He's not going to leave his wife and I think I've known it all along. I am not a bad person. We came together because we were both lacking something at home and found it in one another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): Its after a very long time that I read of such a selfish person such as yourself. Any thoughts on your maturity level. You seem like a serpent weaving its way through your married lovers life and marriage. You want his marriage to fail and for him to come back running to you. But you forget that this man is trying to rectify his wrongdoings therfore he is trying to give his marriage and family a chance. You on the other hand , you are hell bent on stealing this man from his wife without even realising that you know nothing about right from wrong. You are justifying your actions, you look at your affair with rose tinted glasses*nd tyou cannot smell the sh1t from the manure (same difference). You will stop at nothing to get tour married 'christian' lover and will pay the price of your treachery. In the end you will make your destiny and all I can say is love is blind but Karma is a bitch.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (9 May 2010):
They say ,love is blind and I am inclined to think so. Someday you will find out the hard truth.
I wish you all the best if you think there is hope that one day you will be together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your input. It's funny how everyone, including my therapist and friends, tell me the same thing. Problem is I can't convince myself that any of you are right. You don't know him like I do. I agree that he is not going to leave his wife. I also think he's trying to change into who his wife wants him to be. And that my friends is why I don't know if his marriage can last and why he may doubt if he's doing the right thing. He tells me to wait and see what happens when I ask him why he'd want to live that way. He says and does things that make me wonder if he's made a final decision to stay or is just enforcing suggestions from their counselor to see if he'll want to remain in his marriage. This is one example of what I meant when I said he confuses me with things he says. It's as if he talks in circles at times. One day he's telling me that things are good between them and a week later he insinuates they aren't so good. He'll cut down his visits to my office one week, and start coming by twice a day a week later. He hints to me that he's interested in us touching today but be distant next week. He'll spend the entire weekend with his wife but with other couples, not just the two of them. He comes into work Monday mornings anxious to see me. This has to mean something don't you think? Before they started the marriage counselling he was talking with his priest about us. He was torn about what he wanted/needed to do. Yea, he chose her over me but I'm not convinced it was because of his deep feelings for her but because it was the right thing to do. You say I should do what makes me happy but without him in my life I'm miserable. I've told him I'm content with what we have going for now...that I don't want a man in my life full time again. I can live without the sex as long as I know he's still attracted to me and me alone. We have been exclusive since day one and that will not change. That's the one thing that I would never tolerate or forgive. As far as me taking my husband back I just don't know. I'm going to try the counselling but don't know if I want it to work whether my co-worker friend and I have a future or not. My husband was mentally abusive and remains very high strung. Our grown children won't confide in him about certain things because of the way he blows up and can't seem to let things go. Don't get me wrong. He has many good qualities also and that's where I get sentimental and tend to forget the bad times. I wasn't happy with my marriage even before I became involved with co-worker man. I have never been on my own and am enjoying for the first time my own place and independence. I don't know if this happiness will last or if I'm enjoying it because it's something new. The apartment is PERFECT for me and I would have to give it up if my husband and I reunite. Decisions, decisions. Can anyone out there see my point of view or am I really not seeing the forest for the trees?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (8 May 2010):
It is all over and you should salvage what's left and move on.He is not coming back . He realized the full implications of what he was doing and has gone back to the straight path.
You should accept the reality and not live in your dreams.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (8 May 2010):
You said it yourself: you came together to talk about your problematic marriages, but marriage is no longer problematic. He's happy with his wife, he loves her, they've had some great times together and he wants it to work. He's taken away most of the fun you were having to make her happy. He tells you to move on.
There's your answer.
After 23 years, he's not leaving her. Whatever he feels for you cannot begin to compare to what he feels for her. Whether you go back to your husband or not is up to you, but your decision can't be based on this man. He's made his intention to stay with his wife pretty damn clear.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 May 2010):
 I agree with Lola about your having to think what it is that YOU want. I don't think I could ever guess what the matter is with him, but he seems to give way too much importance to his marriage for a man who claims wanting to be with you. I think this is bad, very bad for you, and I think you deserve a lot more than he is giving you.
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A
female
reader, _lola_  +, writes (7 May 2010):
 Hi I'm really sorry your going through so much uncertainty right now. There is so much on your plate emotionally that you can't see the forest for the trees. I honestly don't think it makes a difference how your co-worker feels about you, you need to start thinking about what it is YOU want?He will never leave his wife unless he actually wants to and from what you say it seems he is honestly trying to give his marriage a second chance. It sounds to me that you are having a symbiotic relationship with your co-worker, being that you are finding in each other what is lacking in each of your marriages? When the sexual aspect of your affair ended did it continued in an emotional sense? Unfortunately the grass is always greener my love, I think the relationship you shared was new and was a breath of fresh air compared to 31 years of drudgery. The physical aspect of all relationships come and go and eventually fade completely. My question to you is if you hadn't started a relationship with him would your marriage still be over? I say if the answer is yes you wouldn't be asking this question. If you are still so uncertain about the co-worker and will only officially leave you husband on the basis that his feelings are mutual I think that's not enough. You need to do what will make you happy! If that means leaving your husband and rediscovering who you are so be it, but don't do it on the whim of another man! I've talked a lot of rubbish so far and I'm not entirely sure I've answered your question but a lot of your plight rings true for me, so I would say if your marriage was only over in the sense that it was stale and boring (no abuse or other serious things!) and if when times were good you were happy, I would put some time and effort into seeing if you could add the same freshness to you marriage!All the best I hope you find what makes you happy xxx
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