A
female
age
51-59,
*ianaHabbat
writes:My husband and I have been married for 8 years.I'm cheating on him.My husband has been abusing me for the last 3 years.Apart from the physical abuse which he exercises every day he abuses me verbally as well.He calls me all the names under the sun.Sometimes he embarrasses me in front of my friends.He's hit me in front of them.He treats me as if I'm his slave.It's funny how the person I planned out my future with turned out to be a monster.I cry every single day.My parents and friends don't know anything.I asked him for divorce but he threatened that if I proceeded with it he would hurt my family and would ruin my life.I don't think he's bluffing at all because I've know him long enough to know what he's capable of.He is a powerful man and he's got connections.He is not afraid of the police that much because he's a former cop himself and has many connections.At this point of my life I don't think I can do much about this situation.I was offered some help by my neighbor.She's religious and believes that if I pray to god he will help but sadly I'm an atheist(pls don't judge).I was offered help by some other residents as well.Why am I telling you this?Because I'm having an affair with one of them.I've been cheating on my husband for nearly 3 months now.I feel very guilty but at the same time I'm enjoying it.I'm being completely honest.I was called a white and a slut and whatnot at least 12 times today so pls don't judge.I'm not having proper sex with this other man.I perform oral sex on him on a regular basis,mostly when my husband is not home,I invite him over and blow him.Is what I'm doing worse than his abuse?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2016): I helped a girl once disappear from her violent ex boyfriend.
I told her to ditch her cell phone and she came and lived with me and had nothing in her name for a while. He needed time to find his next victim. He was the type of guy that would accuse her of having sex in a restaurant toilet if she had taken too long. He was a right whack job.
While she was going out with him we mixed socially and he was not a bad guy underneath it all but once he started drinking or doing drugs he was a proper nut job. Very sad really because with the right guidance he could have been a nice guy, she had her issues too. She is married now to an ok guy and has two children.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2016): You both are in a toxic poisonous relationship. You are hurting each other intentionally. LEAVE!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2016): If you're afraid of his retaliation for a divorce, why aren't you afraid of how he would react if he caught you cheating? Wouldn't the consequences be equally as bad? If not worse?
I recommend that you get help through the sources Honeypie suggested. By the way, if he was in law enforcement; do you really think any self-respecting ethical cop would be an accomplice to doing harm to you and your family? He's playing on your fears. If you're defiant enough to invite a man to your home while risking being caught; then you might want to summon some of that courage to tell your family and closest friends, what you're going through.
He has hit you in-front of people? Where in the United States do you live; that people would stand witness to domestic violence and do or say nothing? No one has intervened?
Sorry but some of your story is a bit difficult to swallow. He is not as powerful as you're making him out to be, and no one is that above the law that every soul is so afraid of him, they'd leave you vulnerable to violence and injury.
What kind of a town are you living in? Just being a former cop does not make you invincible or shielded from prosecution. In fact, these days; good cops are going out of their way to eliminate the bad seed from their ranks. They put too much on the line to defend and protect criminals among their own. They have a lot to prove and have to regain public trust and support; considering what is being seen in the media, and shown in the news headlines.
As for the other man, he has no respect for you. He is being an opportunist. He is aware of your situation and will throw you under the bus as the one who initiated the affair. He'll use the excuse you threw yourself at him, and he's just being a man. You can make no comparisons between wrong and worse when neither of you is right on so many levels. However; you are a victim of domestic violence and that stands out above anything and all else!
Your safety, and that of your family, comes first. If he is as verbally-abusive as you say; secretly record these episodes, so you have solid evidence. Share the recordings with your family. Get yourself a restraining order. You should move-out and find protection in a shelter for battered-women and victims of domestic violence. That is what those links and Hotlines are for. To find a safe-place.
Alert all your family members and the police in a nearby town, or your state police. All have a domestic violence unit. Inform them you have been threatened and fear your local law enforcement department may side with your husband due to his prior service as a police officer. Guys like your monstrous husband tarnish the meaning of the uniform, the service, and sacrifice these people make for our protection.
I think most of his power is in your head; more than the reality of things. There are far too many ways to get around this situation. The problem is you are so intimidated by him, you believe anything he says. That is to be expected. The frightening reality of it all is, no one can get to you before he can. That is why it is most essential that you use the time you're using to secretly cheat, you should be getting all your legal ducks in a row.
Filing for a restraining order, reporting violence, and filing complaints; leaves a judicial paper-trail. It also places your local law enforcement system under scrutiny by the Justice Department and States Attorney's Office. They can't just ignore threats and abuse. They have to explain why no response was taken to avoid what could become a lethal conclusions. Most often; murder-suicide.
He's not invincible. He has brainwashed you to believe he is. If you're cheating, you're not as afraid of him as you
imply. That's riskier than anything I can image, if he is as dangerous as you've made him out to be.
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female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (30 April 2016):
It does totally sound like he thinks he's better than you and above the law. Please show him he's wrong and initiate a divorce and have him arrested. Your husband is delusional and sounds like a toddler.
And it sounds to me also that he LIKES and gets off from scaring you. This won't stop unless you stop it. It doesn't matter if he has connections. You haven't even told your family about the abuse or even tried calling the cops. He's just lying to you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 April 2016):
 Diana: You've gotten good advice below my (this) submittal. Please, don't put yourself in the trap of believing that if HE's being more of a lout than YOU are... then, you - somehow - "win"..... (What's to win?????)
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 April 2016):
 This isn't a who is "worse" - this is YOUR life!
I agree that you NEED to tell your family and you NEED to get out of that house and marriage.
While you might feel like what YOU are doing is "freeing" and enjoyable - consider that the OTHER man is using your shitty situation for HIS benefit. I mean... he got the "better" end of the stick with the blow-jobs... It doesn't make you a slut or whatnot. But it's not helping you either. It's like putting a band aid on a amputated limb.
While your husband might think he is above the law, doesn't mean he is. But he DOES know how to intimidate you into submission. And that IS why you need to tell your family.
And while praying might help someone, it's a nice though from your neighbor, but not really going to help you. It's a little akin to "wishful" thinking. No matter what you believe in.
You need an EXIT PLAN
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
http://leavingabuse.com/how-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/leaving-an-abusive-relationship_n_5840504.html
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 April 2016):
 I think you should work on a plan on how to leave him. This is no way to live life. You do not know what he can do to "hurt" your family, and honestly, unless he is a mafia boss, he can not do much. Even if he knows people. He is not above the law.
I think if you are genuinely concerned about the safety of your family, you should talk to them about what is going on, and the reasons why you are afraid to leave. Listen to your family. Are they afraid of him? If they are not afraid of what he might do to them, then there is no reason for you to be afraid of this either.
You should also start documenting the abuse. Write it down in a journal. What names, how often each day, take photos if he'd left any bruises on you etc. Document it. This can come in handy if he becomes more dangerous, and you might need to go to the police with the matter. You can choose to talk to a police station where he does not have connections.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 April 2016):
 OP you need to understand something here. You blowing the other man may feel good for as long as it lasts but its not the solution to your problems in any way. Yes you're trapped in a horrible situation and are looking for a release but just imagine what were to happen if this monster of a husband were to find out?
Get out of this house immediately. Remember, barking dogs seldom bite so his threats that he will hurt your family are most likely just empty ones. He knows that he scares you and he's just playing on that. I'm sorry but sitting in one place and praying to God isnt going to change a thing. There's a saying that goes, God helps only those who help themselves and whether or not you believe in God, its a fact that unless you take charge and try to bring about a change, nothing is going to change.
You *HAVE TO* tell your parents and friends and contact some women's organizations in your area. Get out of your house when he isnt there. Stop living in fear, he's only scaring you and you're falling into the trap. Get out immediately.
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