A
female
age
36-40,
*innie73
writes:I have been with my boyfriend 2 and a half years, we are both 25 years old. We have our problems, but I really need advice on one thing that's incidentally not his fault, as i'm not sure whether it's a deal breaker or not.. We've been living together for 2 years and i've always found his father to be a problem. He often turns up uninvited and we can never get rid of him. He'll sometimes turn up with dinner and just eat it in our living room. He keeps his plants and other items around our place as i don't think he has any room where he is. He parks at our place during the day when he's working near by. I always see him hanging around the shops down the road from us. He puts my boyfriend in a terrible position; he borrows money off him (he and and I have enough financial stresses as it is). My boyfriend takes him food as he often can't afford to support himself. And just recently, he has asked my boyfriend if he could stay with us until he finds somewhere - we have a spare room and we're currently looking for another housemate. I hear stories from my partner that his dad is living in his car, that he lives in a shed, and it breaks my heart because it really upsets my boyfriend.. He is very kind and he's the only one of his siblings that is actually speaking to him. He feels sorry for him so he never really stands up to him because he's a very angry man. I just think his father leans on him way too much, he's meant to be the parent! Not the other way around... He also hangs around his friends as well, like if he has his mates over his dad will stay and chat to them for ages and won't leave. MyHe's an angry man - he's done work for my parent's and ended up overcharging them, doing a bad job and flying off the handle when they bring up an issue. My parent's were trying to help him out but they've both learnt their lesson. I love my boyfriend and i think i'm understanding to a point - i suggest we invite him over for a cooked meal etc, but if we ended up married, i'm worried that we couldn't get rid of his father. Is this a factor when deciding whether to spend your life with someone? I know this sounds horrible but i don't want this guys DNA in my children... I'm nice to him for the sake of my partner but I just think he's a lonely, angry and bitter man who puts my boyfriend in a terrible position. My boyfriend is nothing like his father, he's self-sufficient and really level headed. Please help...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): Yes it is a deal breaker. If you're already so upset by his father, now when you aren't even married, imagine how much worse it will be if you are married. If you're like most people, you have certain expectations of marriage and how your husband should behave and how he should spend his time and how he should spend money and other shared resources. Don't assume he will change once married. Imagine things being just like this with his dad only now you and your bf are married. If this feels intolerable then this relationship is not going to work out for you. If you cannot accept the way things are with him and his dad then yes this is a deal breaker. You cannot demand someone change for you, it most likely wont happen and you'll just get upset that it didn't.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 Your boyfriend surely has inherited his father’s DNA. He may not have that behavior but the predisposition towards anything that is causing the problems is possible. It’s very possible if there is mental illness in the family (and co-dependency often goes hand in hand with mental illness) then it could “skip a generation” or maybe your boyfriend just has it under control.
So if you want a future and a family with him, then DAD is part of the deal. Think long and hard about this. The last poster I see posted that Dad and Son are co-dependent and she’s 100% correct and gives awesome information and advice.
IF he owes your partner money you can just kiss it goodbye. Do not fret about the past only focus on the future and how you want to deal with it. IF you marry his money becomes your money and then will you have a say in what goes into dad’s pocket? IF not, how will you feel when your daughter wants dance lessons and there is no money for it because your hubby is supporting his father?
My husband’s mother is dysfunctional. She abused him as a child and abandoned him. He cut her off and I have never met her or even spoken to her.
Your parent’s opinion of your boyfriends father is just that THEIR opinion why does it bother YOU so much. Who cares what OTHERS think? I think maybe you and your boyfriend are both too enmeshed with your parents if what they think bothers you so much.
If you marry a co-dependent man who is co-dependent with someone else (his father in this case) then you marry both of them. THIS is not something that YOU can resolve with demands or ultimatums.
If the way it is now bothers you, fix it before you consider marriage. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for an adult child to see a parent falter as an adult.
Since you live together but are not married, I am not sure how much say you have in this mess.
My husband and I have joint funds totally I have two adult children that are not his. We pay a large amount of money monthly to my first husband (the father and guardian of my oldest) to help care for my adult CHILD who is disabled. BUT my husband knew this going in and accepted it. His only comment “as long as the amount does not keep going up over and over I’m fine with it.” We take them out once in a while and give them gifts at holiday time and for their birthdays. These money gifts were discussed and planned for as soon as we knew we were making our home together (getting married). I would no sooner give my kids money without clearing it with my husband than he would buy a car without my consent and input. IF you do not feel that you have any say in what your boyfriend does with his money and his lack of funds is not impacting you then the only thing you need to discuss with him is how often dad can be in your home. I think the offer of dinner at your home 1-2 times a week is MORE than generous. Once a month with adult family members is plenty in my opinion.
Often children of ‘incompetent’ parents over compensate and become hard working, self-sufficient adults.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): Your boyfriend and his father are co-dependent on each other. Look up that term "co-dependent."
His father is the 'dependent' person - the one who is dysfunctional and in need of rescuing repeatedly. And your boyfriend is the Co-dependent - the one who is the 'functional' one who always "has" to step in to save the needy one. Together the two of them are locked in a toxic dance that neither can break free from. The father is continually reliant on your bf's help, and your bf is continually bound by whatever emotion it is (concern, panic, guilt, obligation) that compels him to keep saving his dad.
Yes your bf has a kind heart, all co-dependents do or they wouldn't be in this position, that's how it starts.
BUT, because the dysfunctional person (in this case his father) never gets any better on their own since they don't need to (because your bf is picking up the pieces for him all the time), eventually the nice kind-hearted person in the relationship will get thoroughly exhausted and spent but still be locked into that role. Co-dependent relationships are TOXIC because they are entirely one-sided revolving around the dysfunctional person.
what are the implications for you? well, you're in a relationship with someone who is ENMESHED in a co-dependent relationship with another person. That means that you're not going to get a normal relationship with your bf because he's entangled with someone else. You are going to have to set your own boundaries for yourself.
I wouldn't advise giving your bf an ultimatum though, UNLESS you are truly prepared to lose him over this. If it really comes to that, then by all means. But think long and hard before issuing any ultimatum, it has to be a last resort when you are truly ready to walk away. don't issue empty threats and empty ultimatums or you will lose all credibility. Plus, issuing ultimatums when you're not actually prepared to end the relationship permanently, is just a form of manipulation trying to get the other person to do what you want by saying stuff you dont' really mean to play on their emotions, and that is dysfunctional in and of itself. So, think of an ultimatum as the truly last resort from which there is no return as far as your relationship goes.
I suggest that you ask your boyfriend to set boundaries with his father but only as it pertains to your own boundaries. e.g. if his father gets in your way and makes you uncomfortable then you have a right to ask him not to be there since it's your house. But dont' try to stop your boyfriend from going over to his dad's place, for example, as that doesn't impact you. Similarly, it's not OK for his dad to want to borrow money from you. But you shouldn't try to prevent your bf from lending his own money to his dad since you are not the controller of your bf's money just your own.
To be honest, I see a long difficult road ahead and your patience will be tested. You might be tempted to try to control your boyfriend and tell him what he should and shouldn't do as far as his dad, but I would suggest you refrain from that, as he is already under enough stress and his relationship with his father is complex and a journey he has to walk on alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): " I know this sounds horrible but i don't want this guys DNA in my children..."
Well unfortunately if you end up marrying your bf then your kids will have his dad's DNA in them whether or not the old guy is still in your life at that point or not.
If you feel that strongly about your bf's father that you cannot bear the idea of your kids even sharing the same DNA as that man, then this is already a deal breaker because even if the dad were to die tomorrow your future kids would still have his DNA in them.
and yes I think it is a problem that his dad is so intrusive in his life because now that you're sharing some aspects of your life with your bf, that means he's intruding on YOUR life. Your bf and his dad shouldn't be "a package deal" when it comes to having a relationship but it looks like it is, so on that count I would consider this a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (2 May 2013):
 He sounds like a very lonely and needy individual. Your boyfriend sounds like an awesome person though. You don't find very many people like that around.
Perhaps an intervention? You keep saying he is an angry man, perhaps he needs some mental counseling? If he is allowed to be your housemate (awkward) then it should be made clear that he will have to pay his portion of the rent and when it is due. He will have to retain steady employment as well and buy his own food.
It's awesome that your boyfriend is such a caring person, but until this man is made to make it on his own he is just going to keep doing what he is doing.
I had the same problem with my sister, a lot different when its your parent but same concept. I know it's really hard to say no to family, but lines need to be drawn. Even with family.
I think it's awesome that you aren't concerned about the money. Most people would be. As for your children having this man's DNA, I don't think that much matters. Your boyfriend has this man's DNA and he turned out rather great, I think how the children are raised is also a factor.
My boyfriend was raised by a woman who drank all the time, abused him he entire life (physical and mental) and still treats him like complete and utter garbage, but he is the nicest, kindest most selfless person I know.
It's not all to do with the DNA. Good luck to you and I hope you resolve this.
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A
female
reader, minnie73 +, writes (2 May 2013):
minnie73 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I do apologise for my "DNA" comment - that was just me venting. Obviously it's not entirely accurate. My boyfriend for one hasn't inherited any of the bad DNA i'm referring to & I wouldn't be with him if i didn't want a future & a family with him.
I realise family/parents can be a common problem and my father, for example, is entirely the opposite and could probably afford to hang around a bit more. His wife is an insecure controlling nutcase that doesn't let me see him out of fear i may mention my mother's name - story for another time. So i mean, we all have our baggage. My dad is far from perfect but it's different because he isn't asking to move in with us or moving in on our lives... My poor boyfriend is so embarrassed and isn't really the type to stand up to people, especially his own father who he feels sorry for...
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A
female
reader, minnie73 +, writes (2 May 2013):
minnie73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks for your response. It's not so much the money that worries me. I myself, haven't given him any money. He just owes my partner money from ages ago before I came into the picture. While it's a factor, it's not high up on the list of what worries me. It's more the position he puts him/us in, asking to live in the spare room, turning up all the time - basically his lack of boundaries. For instance, I think it's really unfair of him to ask his son to live with us.I'm sure my boyfriend would stand up to him if I gave him an ultimatum, it's just hard for him as he feels sorry for him. His father had a very bad upbringing, abandoned as a child etc, so it's very upsetting for my partner and he tries to help him when he can. While i disagree with his father borrowing/owing him money, it's more the other things that make me question whether it's a deal breaker or not... My parent's for one think it's awful the way he behaves. My father actually wanted to take him aside and tell him to back off, but he's such an angry man it's difficult.. for this reason he doesn't have anyone else except his son (my boyfriend), hence why he's around all the time... because my caring boyfriend is the only one that puts up with it.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 You've been given a gift in an odd sort of way. Your b/f is such a kind and giving person that he can't own up to what a toxic and using individual his father is.
Personally I've been there and done that. My wife and I sent a countless amount of money to my father, and then to his family after he died. Bless my wife, she never faulted me for all the money that went into that black hole.
If your b/f can't come to terms with the idea that his father, as an adult, has made his choices, then you have a problem. The path you are on is that your earnings will go to a parasite who will suck you dry, continually. It's up to your b/f to take a stand. If he can't do that, then yes indeed it's a deal breaker.
I'm sorry to say so, but unless he mans up, your lives will be controlled by this parasite. The 'gift' is that you have this huge, flashing warning.
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A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (2 May 2013):
This is the way it usually works in families. There is always one of the children that gets the burden. And yes, I used the word burden on purpose.The father should not be troubling and burdening his son in this way. It is one thing if he doesn't have much money and needs a bit of financial help and it is quite another when they begin to feel entitled. Naturally, if you say something you become "the bad one". You should see how hard this situation becomes between women and their mothers. That bit me in the butt badly. Mine had this royally ignorant and backward mother and a brother who would be voted president of the worldwide idiot loser club.Call me jaded, but your boyfriend should help his father a bit financially, maybe he can come over to the house for dinner 1-2 times a week (only when invited) but a line should be drawn. No feelings of entitlement or guilt or taking advantage. It needs to be made very clear to daddy-o and the only one that can do that is your BF. If you press the issue you will be bad and controlling.Speak to your BF once seriously about the issue and look very carefully at his actions. If things don't change, look elsewhere.Oh yeah, one last thing...... I am only speculating here but I'm not certain this is solely an issue of DNA. I have a feeling they are like this because they have found a way to use guilt to get their way. After all, your BF appears to have little in common with his father. OTOH, If you think it is solely or largely a matter of DNA (and it could be) then you have already answered your question and need to move on ASAP.
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