A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So this is a bit of a long story so I do apologise in advance. Back in December my boyfriend broke up with his ex girlfriend, then on a drunken evening on New Year's Eve he slept with his best friend, that was all it was to him. We are all part of a friendship group that goes out, so we all knew his best friend only ever slept around and never did relationships. She'd spent ages trying to break my boyfriend up with his ex. A few weeks after their one night stand me and my boyfriend started seeing each other and when she heard whilst up at university she got into a relationship. Everyone was extremely surprised as she's never done the commitment thing. However when she came down for Easter she'd broken up with this guy, we met up for a few drinks at the pub whilst my boyfriend was at work to welcome her home, to which she said that she has to have one day with him on her own even if it meant I had to go without seeing him that week (we both work long hours so we barely get a day off together once a month) I didn't think anything about it as it was his best friend and I'm not the type to get involved. Especially after she kept going on about how much she means to him. During that week they went on a shopping trip, and my partner being the loving guy he is bought me a few prezzies whilst out and about to let me know he was still thinking of me, he popped into my work to give me them, however she wouldn't let us have any time together alone, she had to be involved in the conversation and made it difficult for him to even kiss me good bye. Throughout the time she was down she would make it difficult for us to spend much time together, she's always loved the attention so she'd keep trying to kiss him.She soon went back to university and left us to our relationship, however that was kind of short lived as a month later she came home again, after the last time she's left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth. But because it's my boyfriends best friend I still made the effort, for her birthday I picked up the cards and paid for the presents and even made sure he booked some time off to go out with her. However on the night of her birthday whilst in front of everyone she said to me. 'although you guys are in a relationship, he'll always be mine.' This obviously annoyed me especially after he told me he just kissed her (he forgot to tell me it was a peck on the lips) but I carried on as normal, I didn't want to make a scene especially on her birthday. However my boyfriend saw my reaction and kept trying to kiss me obviously sensing something was wrong. I was too annoyed to want to be touched or comforted so I kept pushing him away. My friend knew about the previous time with her and told me not to mention anything to my boyfriend as he'd get upset so I took her advise and kept telling him nothing was wrong, there was no point he knew. Behind my back he asked my mother, she's very much like my sister that I tell her everything so of course her trying to help explained what's been happening. He wanted to talk to me about it, at first he told me he really cared about us and told me she wasn't his type so I didn't have anything to worry about it, he thought that alone would comfort me. He tried to sleep with me but I just couldn't get in the mood after what had happened, I just couldn't get it out of my head. He got a bit snotty and realised I wasn't over what had happened. He explained that he regretted sleeping with her and it was just a drunken mistake, then went on to say that she's very much mates before relationships and that he was the same. For the last week it's gotten to me, I don't know how I actually feel about him putting me after his friends, i know it sounds high maintenance but I just feel like I wouldn't have his support with the situation with his best friend, it making me start to feel like crap when before she came back from university I felt like I was on cloud nine. Speaking to other people from work they've told me that it's a very childish thing to say, that friends are always there for the support but they shouldn't be put infront of a relationship. I'm so lost and confused. I really don't know what to say or do.
View related questions:
at work, best friend, broke up, drunk, ex girlfriend, his ex, in the mood, one night stand, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 June 2017):
 Your not high maintenance and he should put you first. She is a tease and doesn't like him showing you attention around her. Honestly him giving her a peck on the lips is bang out off order. That is still cheating in my books and he needs to know from you that it is not okay, also tell him what she tells you and let him see why you are angry. Although sweetie, I bet he loves the attention and doesn't want it to end. Also ask him would it be okay if you had a male best friend and you always put him first and pecked him on the lips. It should not be happening when he is in a relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2017): Get rid of him,
Your boyfriend loves all the attention he gets from her that's why he won't get rid of her, you need to get rid of him fast. He's just taking the piss and allowing her to also.
...............................
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (21 June 2017):
 I just want to add that my bf has a female nest friend and I love him so much.. But if he started showing her more affection/ prioritising her I wouldn't stay. Its so painful and if a man disrespects you, fight back with your self esteem- regardless of your feelings, you're stronger and will be saving yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (21 June 2017):
What is really sad is that you have been way too trusting- given him so much freedom and support and he's ABUSED this gift. He slept with her, kissed and she outright disrespects you- while he does F all. I'm telling you most women would NEVER put up with this- and if he ever grows up and faces commitment, he WILL need to drop her- she's a attention seeking, bunny boiling needy whore.
I couldn't agree mor with others- you prioritise your gf over other girls, you just do. You can love friends but ultimately your beau has the hold over your heart
Just think- you would NO WAY let a guy friend of yours make you feel like that- you need to be strong beacause like wise owl said, you've been too naive and trusting- so it makes the hideous truth more of a blow. But you are a decent person and strong and secure (most women are insecure about female friends) and you can move on and find happiness- have it out with him- then let go of bitterness and anger because he's not worth the stress of those destructive emotions.
You've already let him get away with so much, now be strong and he REALLY doesn't deserve you. I just feel dad sad that this might make you not trust men again.. Men can have female friends but when your gut and what you're witnessing feels wrong, dont ignore it. This is a learning curve for.ypu, you're so young.. Go and find happiness x
...............................
A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (21 June 2017):
 I've actually been in this situation. It did not end well. You shouldn't have to put up with this. He should stand up for you and put his foot down with his "friend" but I bet that he won't. My ex didn't either. They basically cheated together but neither of them saw it as cheating because they were just such good "friends" that no I couldn't understand. I've got good friends, I don't sleep with them and kiss them and let them make my boyfriend feel worthless.
If you put your foot down and tell h it's you or her, you're the bad guy. If you ask HIM to put his foot down, can you trust that he will as he clearly doesn't see a problem with it? I'd find someone who isn't already in a relationship. He shouldn't be letting her act this way and should understand your feelings. Would he be happy if you were best friends with someone who you slept with, still kiss and who you put first?? I doubt it but maybe you should ask him.
Just for the record I tried talking to my ex before breaking up. I told him if he wanted to be with his best friend then just tell me and I'd walk away. But he kept saying no I was wrong, no he didn't have those feelings for her. We broke up eventually and two weeks later they were together on Facebook... Everyone is different but this is my experience.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2017): Your boyfriend's so-called best-friend isn't only a friend; she is his friend with benefits.
That's a different category from platonic friends, who do not include sex and kissing as part of their normal relationship.
You've been quite naive up to now. You should always determine what kind of relationship two people have before coming in-between them. Your boyfriend has been holding-out on you. He neglected to tell you that they mess-around. He didn't want to lose that aspect of their so-called friendship. He also wants a real relationship, but keep his side-chick on the sidelines.
She has more or less made it clear to you; regardless of your opinion or what you do, she's going to be the wedge in-between. He tries to make excuses for her and butter you up to accept her as a part of his life. You don't have to, if you don't want to. Unless you don't mind sharing and playing second-fiddle; while she purposely undermines your relationship to keep you in your place. Just his flavor of the month, while she stays the fav.
Your boyfriend doesn't want to have to choose between you. If you want a monogamous and exclusive-relationship; then the decision is really yours. She has informed you he's hers and she isn't going anywhere. It is her intention to hold you at bey. She will wrangle his time when you're not around. She's a trouble-maker and that's how she gets her kicks. He's counting on your being dumb to it all.
If it was my boyfriend; I would dump his ass. Your boyfriend has the responsibility to establish boundaries and to place you as his priority and number-one lady. No other females, past or present, are to interfere with your relationship; or to undermine it. In any way, shape, or form.
If he hasn't done that, she's right. She's first. You're second. He's willy-in-the-middle, and he's got the best of the whole situation.
It's your boyfriend, so it's your choice how you plan to handle this. I assure you, it will be a competition. He will defend her, and he's basically getting a two-for-one relationship.
You are going to have to learn to stand-up for your principles and show men how to respect you, and where you should stand in their lives. That isn't decided by the chick he boinks on the side. His apology is empty. It's only meant to settle you down. She'll be back for another round of upsetting the apple cart.
You set yourself up. You knew he cheated on his ex-girlfriend, and Miss FWB was the lady behind the scenes. She destroyed that one, yet you overlooked it all; because you wanted him so bad. They're a team, and she does the job of ejecting girls he's done with. In this case, he wants you around for awhile; but I think she's not up for it.
Well, is he worth it?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 June 2017):
 Sorry and I forgot to add and basically to answer the headline question, I don't think she's trying to break *you* up per se, she'll do this with any girl in your place.
Like a dog in the manger thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (21 June 2017):
High maintenance? My God you're the exact opposite! How you're putting up with so much is beyond me!
He's slept with this woman, he's kissing her in front of you, she is making declarations that your boyfriend is hers, she doesn't let you two spend time together and he puts her above you!
This woman has your boyfriend wrapped around her little finger and the reason that he doesn't value you is because you don't value yourself. You've willingly settled for far too little and haven't asserted yourself. She has.
I honestly would never want to be a part of something so complicated. Life is short. Why not enjoy it with people that make you happy rather than cry and struggle to find love which should be so effortless to have?
...............................
A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (21 June 2017):
 there is things that jump out to me one is that you say she made it hard for him to kiss you, heis a big boy why would it be hard for him to kiss his gf , the second is that the two of you keep her around even though you know she would jump into bed with anyone and she does not do relationships and did every thing to brake him up before , you guys are in university it is time to grow up the lot of your so called friendship group are acing like you are in school still
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2017): I say have a serious talk with him, let him know that You come first before her and that He needs to put his foot down on her drama... Maybe he needs to give her some space for a while so she knows that she needs to respect you guys relationship. . If he can't do this and tell her to back off I think you have a hard choice to make.. I personally would end it if he can't put his foot down , You don't need or deserve that drama.. best of luck .
...............................
|
