A
female
age
51-59,
*anelliliz
writes:Is my boyfriend scamming me??Here I am still in this 13 year relationship and it has been so long I don't even know if what I feel for him is love. Added to that are the arguments we have quite often. Of course, he still looks around every chance he gets and I know that won't ever change, drinks a lot, and does not like to help me out much exceot with want he wants to do. For the last three years, I have had a feeling that he sleeps with other women. When I looked at his phone over the summer he had two phone calls to a female which were made in the evening and at midnite. When I confronted him he got online to print out his phone log and said they weren't on there. Although he sent me a copy I didn't even look because I know what I saw. I have asked him several times to call the number and prove me wrong. He continues to say he is not calling the number and that it wasn't on the phone bill. I tell him I know what I saw. Previously he has said to me to show him the proof he is doing something which I reminded him of. I didn't spend the weekend with him saying I had work to do plus I wanted time alone. In addition, recently I have become attracted to someone else. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 September 2013):
 Vanelliliz,
O K I'll bite. There are a number of ways to create a fake document. It is kind of hard to do without some time to prepare. For example if he got online to print out the bill when you first confronted him. I would need a few minutes in private to alter the document with a PDF editor before printing. If he printed directly from the cell provider website then we can be pretty sure that the calls were not on the log.
Now his cell company may be different than mine, but my list shows everything incoming, outgoing, wrong number, whatever. That's all the help I can give you with technical matters. Now on to psychological matters.
You say his refusal to call the number arouses your suspicion. He is under attack. His first line is to defend, not cooperate. In his mind he has offered you his evidence which you rejected without consideration. Now you want further evidence. Let me propose a scenario.
Lets assume that you are right and he made two calls to a woman that he was involved with. You snoop his phone and confront him with it. He modifies his billing statement to not show those calls and sends you a copy of this modified bill. Then you ask him to call the number to prove that it is something innocent. You ask many times. If he is so sneaky that he can change the bill how hard would it be for him to get his partner in crime to answer a call and tell you she is his cousin who was sick and needed him to pick up a bag of cat food at midnight. Then what evidence would you have?
This is the reason he is not giving you more evidence. You won't accept it.
Your reply does bring up another question. Are you still in a relationship with him as you stated in your first post? Or, did you accept a date from another guy as you implied in your followup? Or is this 13 year relationship an open relationship that allows you to date other men and disallows him from calling other women at night?
Are you willing to date others, and not willing to "drop the blow" break up with him. Right now it looks like you are playing with fire to me.
I appreciate your serious consideration of my advice. I know I am saying harsh things. I want you to consider everything before you start or continue to hurt the people in your life.
Olderthandirt is right on the money with his advice as usual. Every relationship is a relationship of trust. for 3 years now you have carried on this relationship with the feeling in your heart that he is sleeping with other women. Whether or not you have evidence doesn't matter. You don't trust him. And without trust there is no relationship. Nor are your recent emotions towards another man trustworthy of you.
FA
A
female
reader, vanelliliz +, writes (30 September 2013):
vanelliliz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your insight. They were both outgoing calls. You're right, I don;t trust him. And he's told me before if you don't trust me get rid of me.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 Maybe the 'other woman' phoned him? That would make the number show up on his phone but not necessarilly on his bill, since most bills only show outgoing calls that the bill payer is responsible for.
Thats the only thing I can think of that would explain it. However it's clear your relationship is over, so now you need to decide if you are going to make a clean break or cling on to the sinking ship in the hopes that something changes or a new love will come rescue you.
To be honest that's what most people do and thats why there is so much hurt and confusion surrounding break-ups. There is no right and wrong way, you just got to do what you feel is right for you.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 Look, if there is no trust then there is no relationship. Why not dump this loser and find someone you can trust?
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A
female
reader, vanelliliz +, writes (30 September 2013):
vanelliliz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy question is he scamming me about the phone calls. How can two phone calls be on your phone and not on the phone bill. That's why I didn't look at it. The fact he won't call the number arouses suspicion. I didn't spend the previous weekend together either and that was before this guy I am attracted to asked me out. You both make some good points as No, I wouldn't want to drop the blow. We don't live together and we have been together so long I don't know if I do feel love for him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 September 2013):
Vanelililiz,
AuntyEm makes a good point, what you have given us is a list of reasons you have compiled to justify the action you want to take. The trouble with your list is that it contains nothing you have hard evidence of. I don't believe that someone always needs hard evidence but your list points to another problem.
13 years is a long time to wait for a commitment. Some would argue that 13 years is a commitment without the paperwork. Whatever it is you are not satisfied in the relationship.
To me the evidence in your post is clear. You are in the midst of an emotional affair. You are not seeing the world clearly. You prefer your version of reality. The reason you won't look at the phone log is because it will take away the excuse you have for your inappropriate feelings of attraction to another man.
You would most often be better off to face the truth without the fog of self deception before you make life changing decisions. Own your own feelings and actions. Stop trying to blame your actions on your partner. If your partner is in fact having a physical affair, it still doesn't give you permission to be unfaithful in your emotions. It does give you grounds to dissolve the relationship. Your emotional affair also gives him the same grounds.
FA
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 September 2013):
Im not sure what you are asking here or if you just wanted to vent.
Seems to me that you are looking for an excuse to end the relationship, you admit you don't love the guy as you want. He hands you his phone log so you can call him out on phoning other women and you don't look at it??? Is it because you are scared to look in case you don't find the numbers, and therefore don't have an excuse to end things with him??
You also have your eyes on another guy and are making yourself busy so you can avoid your partner!!!
My dear you are fooling yourself, you know the relationship is over, you just don't want to deal the final blow! Why hang on? To chance your arm incase something changes?
Is your boyfriend scamming you?...nope...YOU are scamming yourself!
If you arn't in love, then move on.
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