A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello am I 27 year old male who has been with my girlfriend for the past 5 months. We've been having some problems lately. I looked on her phone which I know I shouldn't have done but I went to her Facebook account and looked at her messages and seen she was talking to a guy. There were both saying it's been awhile since they've seen each other and that that they miss each other. At one point she asked him if he missed her. It could just be friendly conversation so I'm not sure what to think. He Saunders he stopped by her apartment but she wasn't there. Should I be worrying about other guys coming over to her apartment and her not telling me anything about it? Thanks for the advice in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): It could be a cultural thing. Me and my ex are both from different cultures and we both live on the US.He also hacked my cell and was worried that I talked to friends. He even got bezerk that I said "hello" back to an ex. He came to dear cupid and was told that I was using my culture to hide other stuff, and he followed it up by battering me and being a conplete psycho. It was a huge cultural difference, I couldn't possibly cheat on him as my ex lives on the other side of the world even.So I would say watch that closely, but if you cannot trust yoir gf enough to not respect her boundaries ...maybe its time to let go. I wished my bf would have let me go willingly.I can see how it is concerning with you guys living on the same town, but it could be just harmless and platonic. You dont have enough basis to accuse her of cheating. Also, look into yoir relationship there could be other underlying issues. For example on my case my ex is very insecure and this drove his behavior, so maybe try to pinpoint why yoi fwwl the need to spy on her.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 September 2013):
 What was the date of the message you saw from this guy to her??
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 I see it like Janniepeg instead. Who knows, maybe it's a cultural thing- Americans ARE very effusive and prodigal with displays of feelings. But let me assure that in many other places ( apparently including Canada ) telling an opposite gender " friend " " Did you miss me ? " has a distinctive flirty,come-hitherish ring.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 September 2013):
You've had "some problems" in a brand new 5-month relationship when oftentimes, that's the time when couples are annoying the daylights out of everyone they come into contact with their lovey-doveyness?
You hacking into her privacy is more of a red flag than her having a conversation with this guy. She didn't meet the guy, and unless there are things you haven't told us, the conversation didn't cross any lines. She could very well have decided to shut him down herself. If you're describing problems and hacking into stuff of hers, would you agree that some of these "issues" have to do with your insecurity and trust issues?
At 5 months, people shouldn't be hacking stuff. At 5 months, it's possible that an ex would try to make contact. I had an ex run into me while I was at work at the 6-month mark in my relationship with another guy. He caught me as I was heading to lunch with a book, and invited himself along without asking me whether or not I wanted him there. At the lunch, he tried to get me back, and I shot him down cold. I didn't tell my husband until later what had happened. He was a bit of a jealous guy, and I didn't want to deal with accusations, questions, and innuendo. A jealous, obsessive boyfriend can suck the life out of someone he dates. He could go to your place of business, see her smiling at a male customer telling him to "have an nice day" and fly into a rage because he thinks she's flirting with him. A jealous boyfriend could find the phone records for the past 2 years and look through them line by line, ready to pounce on a suspicious one-minute phone call taken a year and a half ago by calling at 2 in the morning and railing about loyalty for an hour before even letting her speak.
I've seen all of that stuff firsthand. You're creating problems in your relationship if you're hacking and digging and invading privacy. If you have proof that she is cheating on you, then leave. If you're not compatible, then leave. 5 months is a small investment. Otherwise, don't indulge your insecurities by trying to FIND dirt because you're convinced you're not good enough to keep her.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (30 September 2013):
 it doesn't sound shady to me. first of all, saying you miss someone is common. i tell my friends that i haven't seen in a while that i miss them all the time. that's extremely normal. second, he said he tried to come by and she wasn't there. so therefore, it means they didn't see each other at that time, and also since they were expressing missing each other, it indicates that they probably hadn't seen each other prior to that in a long while, either. aditionally, his randomly showing up indicates that they hadn't made any specific plans together or anything, hence him randomly coming by unexpected. so she wasn't doing anything behind your back. and lastly, it also means that since she wasn't home, how on earth would she know he had even come by in the first place to even tell you?
i'm sure if she was home and he had come over, she would have told you. but since she wasn't, what did you want her to say? "oh hey honey, i have a friend who messaged me on facebook today that said he tried to swing by my place but i wasn't home so i didn't see him or hang out with him, but i just wanted to tell you about the guy i didn't hang out with"? i mean, is she really obligated to tell you needless and useless info like that? this is why snooping and sticking your nose into places that aren't intended for you to read is a bad idea. when you go looking for trouble, you find it, no matter how meaningless and harmless it is.
anyway, i would figure out why you're feeling the need to invade her privacy like that. if i found out someone i was seeing snooped through my personal stuff, i'd absolutely end the relationship. no questions asked. i will not put up with my privacy being disrespected. i'd keep this to myself and not let her know you went through her stuff. and if the relationship is already struggling after only five months, i may recomend taking a close look at if it's even something worth sticking around for. you already clearly don't trust her. and you're already having problems.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 September 2013):
I disagree with Jannipeg, I'm faithfully married and every once in awhile someone comes along whom I miss. I'd never tell a guy I'd miss him though. Women, I might.
There's nothing in the message that is a sign of cheating. Although if your relationship is suffering cheating is more likely. Maybe you should work on that instead of violating her privacy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): it was wrong of you to snoop , you know thatbut It sounds harmless, I would just confront her about the situation but doesn't seem anything is going on then again I do not know the guy she was talking to and how they know each other so I cannot say. if it really concerns you, have a talk with her.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (30 September 2013):
 I'm not going to lecture you about snooping. In most cases, if one party in a relationship feels insecure enough in that relationship that they don't trust their partner without checking up on their partner's actions, both parties are at fault - the person doing the snooping and the person who is not setting correct (or enough) boundaries with others to make their primary partner feel comfortable with those interactions. In short: enough smoke, and most sane people start thinking "fire" and wanting to confirm their suspicions. I think you did what most in your situation would have done, and lo and behold, there is indeed something fishy going on.I can't think of a good reason for your girlfriend to be telling another man that she misses him without your knowledge. I would be interested in hearing her justification, if you get one. The problem is that when you confront her about this there's really no way to tell her what you know without explaining HOW you know it, and she is more than likely going to come back at you with "well, you shouldn't have snooped." Do not allow her to minimize her own misbehavior in light of how you came across it.The real red flag to me here is not that she's talking to someone of the opposite sex, but that she hasn't been forthcoming with you about their interactions. Assuming you're not some paranoid control freak, if this guy was just a friend there'd be no reason for her to conceal him from you. And if he was a GOOD friend of hers I'd expect that you'd hear about him on a pretty regular basis. The fact that they seem close AND you know nothing of this guy strongly suggests that she does have something to hide from you.You have nothing to lose but a fairly new relationship with a potentially untrustworthy woman, so I'd say go ahead and ask her about it. See what spin she tries to put on it. We don't know her, so trust your intuition on whether she's being genuine with you or not. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (30 September 2013):
 I can't say it's the same for everyone, but my group of friends has friends of both sexes that never go farther than friendship. And yes, I miss some of my female friends that I haven't seen for a while and I'm sure I've said so to them, and they to me. Doesn't mean we'd do anything, even if alone. Hell, my girlfriend went furniture shopping with me to find a good place for a guest to stay, specifically with a female friend in mine.
Just because someone's in a relationship doesn't mean they can't have opposite sex friends anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): I think she should be concerned that you snooped into her Facebook account. You don't have enough evidence to accuse her of cheating. The conversation sounds pretty generic.
If you admit to her that you spied on her; you'll have something else to fight about. If you've been having problems in a 5-month relationship, it's likely it isn't working out anyway.
Hopefully you're not one of those creepy jealous and suspicious types that get crazy, if someone looks at his girl sideways.
There is a 50/50 chance she may want to breakup, and hasn't figured out how. Thus your recent problems. You obviously don't trust her, and have to snoop around. If you feel she's seeing other guys, what reason do you have to stick around?
If you suspect she's cheating, you can put your mind at ease by just ending it. I feel uneasy just reading your post. I think if she tried to breakup with you, you'd freakout.
You don't have to worry about anything.
You can be a man and end the relationship; and avoid fighting and confrontation. When you don't trust your partner, that's a sure sign you need to leave.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 Friends of opposite sex don't say they miss each other. It's either a hook up or she's two timing you and the other guy, who could be her ex. When they are in the apartment they are not playing chess with each other. There is no good way to confront her. There has to be something that made you snoop. You don't have to mention it but just tell her you need a loyal partner and you don't want to start a relationship on lies. You can't trust her right now. If she lies or play dumb you know you can't be with her.
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