A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, as most relationships do, however, I think my boyfriend might be gay. 6 months into our relationship, I found a lot of gay pornography on his computer. I was initially just really confused, so, unfotuntely, I scoured his internet history and found out he belonged to several single gay male groups. At that point, I was scared to confront him because I didn't want him to think I was snooping. Well, this lead to more paranoia, and I looked through his cell phone one day and found a naked picture of himself that he sent to someone. Immediately, I confronted him and he was extremely hesitant, but finally told me was single for so long (before me) that he began to question his sexuality and continued to "research" during our relationship because he needed to make sure he was straight. After a lengthy conversation...well, conversations, I accepted this. However, as time passed, I grew more suspicious. A month later, I found out he visited a porn site where one pays to watch a person masterbate live. I asked him why he would pay to watch someone do this, when he has me. Same story as before, he said he was confused but knew he was straight and again, I accepted his statement and we stayed together. About a year and half into our relationship, I was out of town, and he got drunk with his friends, came home and masterbated with some guy via webcam. He called me, crying and told me what he had done. It took me almost a month to completely forgive him but, again, we stayed together. At this point in our relationship, I have very little trust in him. I love him so much and TRY to get over his gay-internet tendencies, but I cannot help but worry he's in STRONG denial...and maybe I am too. He makes a lot of comments regarding our male friends physical features, which leave me more confused. And to top it off, we have sex pretty infrequently, and most of the time, I initiate it and he says, "I'm not in the mood." Please Cupid, am I just being a crazy girl, or do is he gay? And if he is, how do I confront him without him getting upset??Thank you.-Confused
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): I wish people were more honest in relationships. I found out that my boyfriend of 8 years subscribed to tranny porn on the internet. Now,I question if he is having sex with men on the side. After I think about the strange things in our relationship like the fact that he stole my sex toys when we broke up for a short period of time and he hates my gay uncle for being gay. The point I am trying to make is that we as women have to take the blinkers off and see it for what it is worth. Yes your man is gay and so is mine. I broke it off because I have to be honest with myself and know my self-worth. It is hard in a way because love is the strongest of all things but we have to love ourselves first.
A
female
reader, deepinlove +, writes (1 November 2008):
i know how you feel. i recently looked through my boyfriends phone and found out he has been going to gay websites. i don't know how to confront him because i dont want him to brush it off and then three months later i see something and i have to confront him about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Hi there, I decided to reply to this question as I look at gay porn myself. I have a girlfriend who I have been with for nearly 2 years now and I love her very much. She knows that I have done things online as I have explained things to her lots of times. The reason why I do it is for the sexual satisfaction and thrill that it gives me. I am rather a dark horse.
Yes I have had friendly masturbation relationships with other guys online in the past and Yes I have masturbated to gay porn, infact I did that today but it only lasted 2 minutes. I was worried if I was gay but then I thought about it and knew that I only did these things for the excitment and thrill it gave me.
In no way do I wish to have a relationship with a guy as I love my girl very much. Maybe your boyfriend is telling you the truth? I don't know the way he feels. Just because a guy masturbates and gets turned on by gay porn doesn't really mean he's gay or bisexual.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): He is not gay now but will be in the future. You have no future with him. Leave him now so that you can get on with your life. He is dishonest despite his convincing you otherwise. He is a heartbreaker and always will be, gay or straight or anything else. You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, Alexsavisertavis +, writes (1 March 2008):
This doesn't mean he is gay, some guys just get turned on by seeing other guys naked and masturbating, so don't worry if you want more info just go to www.jackinworld.com
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): why are you seeing it as such a betrayl? if you just got on board with it, there would be no problem at all, as he wouldn't have to lie to you, and you relationship would be great. also you might go on to have the most amazing sex life ever if you join in his fantasy, and you could even try a threesome! just alter your perpective on it and you will be fine. If you really cant do that then you really should get out of the relationship cos the whole things including the sex will continue to go down hill! :)
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A
male
reader, jamiej  +, writes (1 January 2008):
 gay or not, the boy clearly has some issues he needs to work through. and whilst he's dealing with these issues, he's not being fair to you.
he'll need as much support as possible, but remember to put yourself and what you want in life first
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): bisexual thats my opinion. if you love him and want to share the rest of your life with him read on. Right 1st things 1st he is bi and there is nothing you or he can do about.if you love him share his and your most intimate thoghts. if you are cool with your bf being bi you have a partner for life, if not go and get a hetro guy who will prob cheat on you anyway
SEX
buy some sex toys for BOTH of you. bi men like sex toys just as much as most women. He would be more intrested in sex if the pleasure was a two way thing. he would like you to make love to him but is affraid to say. i.e penatration. plan a night of exploring his body, share a bath take him to the bedroom and have fun
with some toys. And then he will know you understand and love him by wanting to please him
But be aware bi guys and girls like to have same sex from time to time depending on their (Kinsey scale (ggogle this)). if you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. you could take part in this and make it a sharing thing.
conclusion
if your disgusted by any of this you have to leave him for your sake and his. He cannot change its in his dna make up fighting to come out. dont be angry with him it happens to bi and gay guys and girls anytime in thier life. i hope this helps you understand him a bit better
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A
female
reader, kunzy +, writes (18 December 2007):
 Sugar plum this man is gay! i am married to a man that looks at gay porn but he says he is not gay, this is a lie he lied to me even after i found out and he knew that lying is what would finish it, but he'd still rather lie than get found out, do u look at women masterbating?? if u did u;d think u were a lesbian right! then there's ur answer hun, u can find somebody so much better and i know that talk is cheap but he cant love u to betray u like this!! i am in same boat jus hope we can help each other hun take care xx kunzy
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (16 December 2007):
 Two simple words: He's Gay!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): Well you yourself said what is going on. Yes you are both in denial. I mean he is not in denial but only denying it to you because he certainly isn't in denial about acting on his urges.
The problem that i see with the way that you have confronted him about this is that you have accepted his lies and just go on to normal again. When what you should have done is not accepted his lies for an answer and kept quesitoning till he came clean. But I mean you have all of the evidence you need. I don't know that questioning about him anymore is really going to change anything.
I mean what if you ask him and he says, yes I'm gay. Then what? I mean you don't need to ask cause I think it is pretty obvious what you already know. And if it still hasn't been enough to make you want to leave him then what makes you think that his admission of it will make an difference?
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (16 December 2007):
 isn't it clear you two have no future at all. I guess you know very well what is going on and insist on being optimistic because simply you love him. He is some kind of gay and you cannot have a normal relationship with him.
Now this kind of love is self destructive and not making you happy at all.
If you leave him he would probably feel relieved.
Why confronting him, you have done this enough.
You know perfectly well if you don't leave now, you will suffer more.
Take it or leave it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): I'm sorry dear. You must be so upset and heartbroken. I know that I would be devasted if I found my boyfriend doing this sort of stuff (masturbating with ANYONE via internet, guy or girl). It sounds to me that if you don't sleep together as much he may be leaning more towards men at this point. I don't know any straight man that is ever "not in the mood" for sex with a woman.
Sadly, I think you are in denial, and want to believe your boyfriends excuses because you love him so much. My heart really goes out to you.
I don't believe that there is anything wrong with being gay, people can't control what they are attracted to. And I think at this point it should be clear he's just not that into women, though he may still care about/love/feel attached to you.
Remember that his actions speak louder than words, and yes, you deserve to be happy.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 December 2007):
 Hi Sweetie,
I know that you and he are talking about this and that you are aware that there is denial on his part, and that you don't accept the facts or his denial as any kind of proof of the fact that he is gay. But, if you would like to have a normal relationship that includes sex, perhaps you should consider the fact that he is gay and you can't change that, no matter how much you love him. It can be a real heartbreaker, loving a gay man who hasn't made up his mind yet. Do you really want to waste more of your life waiting for him to come out? Life is short. You should really consider ending this now rather than dragging it out. You are obviously not happy inside of this relationship, and you deserve to be happy.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (16 December 2007):
 One thing is for sure about this guy-he is CONFUSED. But I will venture to say it-he sounds like he is AT LEAST bi-sexual but probably GAY. Think about this yourself. If you are a straight female, yes you may admire other women for their beauty, maybe look at their bodies, maybe even have explored with other women. But when it comes down to a relationship, emotional and physical, you want a MAN, and only one guy, right? Perhaps IF he were comfortable with his sexuality, he might be able to judge a man for his looks. BUT this is a lot deeper than that! He is masterbating to men, looking at gay porn ect ect. You could try to talk to him about how this is affecting you. For one, I think he has crossed the line in this relatonship. Looking is one thing but when you start getting more personal with web cams..next will be real life.
My very good friend is GAY. He tried for years to date women. He didnt want to be gay, he was going to force himself to be straight. Currently, he is with a VERY nice man and is happier then he has EVER been in his life. But he went through a lot to get there.
Save yourself the agony and break off the relationship. Do you think you should put yourself through this until he "figures" it out or decides to come out??
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (16 December 2007):
 It sounds like he is bi curious...I'm sure it's pretty distressing for him and it sounds like he might have some compulsive disorder regarding sex/porn. I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you must feel, it's not fair for you to keep having to find out about your boyfriends latest "test on whether he is gay or not".
Maybe you could suggest watching porn together when you are making love, show that you are supposrtive and understanding, but make it clear that you need to know where you stand!
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