A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:SIMPLE QUESTION: if i tell someone (in this case a family member) not to do or say a certain thing b/c it'll get me really angry, and then they go ahead and say or do what gets me angry anyways, and i blow up and get mad, am i at fault, or is the person that instigated it? please answer in detail. i'm interested in what others think b/c i don't think i'm to blame. i give fair warnings to these people not to say or do a particular thing or else i'll get mad and they paint me as if i'm the bad guy and as if i have problems for getting upset. opinions will be appreciated. thnx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 December 2012):
A person who blames everyone and everything except themselves will never amount to great or even good things. With your attitude, you'll never be in charge of your life, nor your happiness. You'll always be running a mile behind, complaining about the things that are happening to you instead of making this happen by yourself.
The fact you posted this question shows that's not the kind of life you want to live. So start taking responsibility for your own actions by seeing that losing your temper is unacceptable. You cannot blame other people for your own behavior. Your mind is yours to command.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2012): "Cerberus, you smashed a cup into someone's head because you got so angry by someone's controlling behaviors, and you call that "even", right? How is that so different than OP's situation?"
Where did you get the idea I got angry? I didn't, he put his face into mine screaming at me so I smashed the mug off his head and hit him a few times until he was down, then kept him pinned until he calmed down.
I didn't explode, it wasn't that he was annoying me, it was to make sure he didn't go any further as he'd crossed a line into being a very real physical threat to me.
There was no spite, no getting even, just a physical reaction to a potentially violent threat from a guy who'd already shown he couldn't control his temper and was liable to do anything. So I put him down, I wasn't going to sit there and wait for a punch, and I certainly wasn't going to allow any person especially someone I had to live with think they could do any of that to me again.
Lots of things people say and do annoy me or make me angry I tolerate that stuff generally, I would never threaten someone to stop unless they were a physical threat to me and even then there's no need for threats to make them stop I will react violently. I can tolerate most things except that. I will defend myself and beyond to make sure they know not to do it again. I don't know where you're from anon but even a verbal threat of violence in Ireland warrants a violent response. You threaten to me or someone I love, or even get in their face like you're going to hit them, and you're going to get smacked hard and that's legal here, it's self defence, it's just what's done. You're allowed to protect yourself from that and my point to the OP wasn't a threat, it was to make it clear to him that things can escalate into far more serious things if he can't keep control of himself.
It wasn't my ear split open after that dude crossed a line with me. Blame me all he wants but I won't be the last person to give him a beating if he does that to others. I mean who's to say he wouldn't be that threatening or crazy to a woman who pushes his buttons? Would it be okay then? I don't think so.
Bad temper and loss of control is one of the biggest excuses people have for violent assault, murder etc. It's the domestic abusers number 1 excuse, it's the number 1 excuse for women who kill their own children. People who can't control themselves represent a danger to others.
All I was saying to the OP is he better learn to control that, plus if people are intentionally doing it to make him angry, pushing his buttons for this response. Then all he has to do is stop responding, stop warning people and just ignore them.
"This is a civilized world"
What planet is that? Because there is nothing civilized about this world or don't you watch the news?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 November 2012):
 Anon reader, you must be a really nice person always ready to see the good in other people 's words, actions, and intentions. I commend you, but I can't share your opinion, in fact I think the OP sounds incredibly self centered and entitled, in a way that would be perhaps acceptable in a child or early teen, bit it's not in an adult. Then again, he says it clearly " I don't think I am to blame ". It's always somebody's else fault, isn'it ?
We don't know what provocations he is submitted to , and we don't know what his " getting mad " eaxctly consists of- maybe he is just yelling at his kid sister who steals his Ipod,no big deal. But what he describes is a mental attitude potentially very dangerous and explosive in general, and one that has sent many people to jail , and many people six feet under. " He was always calling me Fatso, so I stabbed him " -read the daily newspapers and you will find an abundance of similar episodes.
If we want to live in civilized society, we have to take full responsibility for our reactions, also in front of things that irk, annoy or hurt us. We MUST find a smart ,non violent way to cope with the disrturbance, or to put up with it, or to physically distance ourselves from it. No ifs and buts.
I, for some weird reason, strongly dislike having my hair touched, I don't particularly like having them caressed or played it even during intimacy , imagine having it pulled hard, it drives me nuts. So, if some friend's kid or my kid niece pulls my hair,regardless of my warnings ... would I be right to sock them hard in their mouth ? ...Uhm, I don't think so. It's up to me to come up with some idea, offer bribes, threaten punishments, convince them somehow ... or shave my head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2012): I think what OP is trying to do here is, that he's trying to seek some answers here, this action alone, means he is NOT a completely self-centered person, because he at least questioned his own anger and action, and put his question here for everyone to judge. OP must have felt it's unfair that's why he is here asking this question, it doesn't mean his feeling unfair must be right or logical, it just means OP is not feeling so well and he is seeking help and justice, nothing wrong.Actually I know how you feel, but I agree with others here, that you need to be responsible at least for your own actions. The best for you to do is to ignore the people who make you feel angry, calm down, and if you seem so serious about the whole situation, you lose, because they get their purpose fulfilled -- they just have FUN seeing you mad. Some people don't have anything meaningful to do, and they need to find something fun to torture others mentally.And yes, if you hit someone, you are always wrong. But I also dislike people who just are so inconsiderate and do something on purpose to hurt others, but trust me, in their heart, they don't feel happy. These people make fun of others or hurt others on purpose, they might be angry and unfair about this world, because they have their own personal problems, so do not get mad at these pathetic people. It's not worth it! IF you stop feeling angry, you end this LOOP, but, if you CHOOSE to take action or hit them, you continue the loop... more anger will be generated, and it will never end. Yes it is hard to control anger, I was always a peaceful person before, I didn't understand why people just lose their EQ over small stuff (but whatever seems small to one, doesn't seem small to others), but if you meet too many people like this, you become that way too. I became an angry person, just got irritated at every little thing, just felt this world is so unfair, because I don't understand why people can just be so selfish and inconsiderate. But then I realized, why would I become so shallow just because of these shallow people?!?! It will never end, you won't be happy because you are angry. And the reason why you are angry is because you feel you won't do such thing if you WERE the other person. You don't understand why they just need to be so inconsiderate. The best way is to try to stay positive, and calm, then no one can ever get you angry. And it feels so good, and later on you will secretly laugh at people who so childishly think they can get you angry but failed.However I don't know why people get so angry writing their responses here though... which means... they could get angry too, when they "feel" others are not being understanding!? Cerberus, you smashed a cup into someone's head because you got so angry by someone's controlling behaviors, and you call that "even", right? How is that so different than OP's situation? When someone is not doing something you THINK is right, then you hit them? This is a civilized world... please don't post comments here because you are angry with your own experience. Just be fair, and try to think of every question asker's perspective, that is HELPING.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 November 2012):
In the same manner that you are responsible for your own actions, you also have no right to stop people from saying certain things. In the adult world your anger will prevent you from excelling in life and you will find more and more people will chose to use your weaknesses against you, especially when you willingly tell them. Friends or family may not know the extent of your anger and it would be in poor taste to use it against you, but you have a choice of walking away from these people which is more effective than letting anger get out of control.
If the topics are sensitive to you, then do not warn them about it but if it is ever brought up you should remain objective and understand that the topics are not personal attacks to you.
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (29 November 2012):
I've gotten into fist fights with a younger brother because he wouldn't stop putting his fingers in my face despite repeated warnings that i would punch him if he didn't knock it off. Not that either one of us was in the right...but i damn well felt i was justified in punching him in the arm after i'd warned him three times in less than 60 seconds. He didn't feel the punch was deserved and punched me back harder than i punched him. Things devolved from there and i lost the fight because my brother had a year of wrestling and 70lbs on me.
We recently talked about this incident together and had a good laugh about it. Both of us have quick tempers (he has ADD and i have ADHD--one negative symptom we share is being prone to meltdowns--when we get angry we RAGE.)
The best thing to do when someone is trying to rile you up is to simply walk away. It allows you to maintain your dignity and sense of control in a situation. The walk will give you time to clear your head and return to an emotional baseline.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 November 2012):
 In the second line of your submittal, it sez "really angry"..... change that to "shoot them to death" and see if you think your submittal is still OK.....
Good luck.....
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Yes, you are responsible for your own actions.
If you KNOW that this person LOVE to jerk your chain to set you off, YOU need to learn how to react without anger.
Every action has a reaction. X says BLAH and you get mad. X KNOWS when he/she says BLAH you will get mad. X is having fun goading you. However, that doesn't mean YOU aren't responsible for your ANGER and consequent actions DUE to this anger. It just means that YOU need to learn how to handle X and situations where X or anyone else tells you BLAH.
Sorry to be the one to burst your bubble.. But the world doesn't revolve around you - people will NOT walk on egg-shells in order to not anger you. That is not how life works.
Learn some control. Find some inner peace and next time X says BLAH - you count to 10 in your head while talking long slow breaths. If you are not calm by 10.. got to 20 or 30. Sooner or later X will learn that saying BLAH to you just ins't fun anymore, because you don't react "violently" or angrily.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): What so you're saying the whole world has to pussy foot around you and accommodate you to stop you blowing up and losing it?
I don't think so OP, you're the one who should control yourself, can't go running around like a Nazi trying to control everything everyone else does with the threat that you'll explode if they don't do what you say.
You sounds like a control freak if you ask me.
You don't warn people OP, you threaten them. Big difference. Warning is telling someone the water is very hot, don't spill it on yourself. Telling people they better fucking do what you say or you'll be angry is a threat OP, plain and simple.
You'd want to get a handle on that OP, we won't all dance to your tune. I hand a flat mate like that once, horrible little whiny fecker. Demanded I do things his way or he'd be angry. We'll I put up with it about a month or two, see if he'd calm down and if we could compromise but I left a coffee mug on the table with no coaster and he went ballistic, put his face right up to mine and all. So I smashed the coffee cup off his head and beat the crap out of him.
I'll put to you this way OP, if you're not to blame for getting angry then their not to blame for their response to your anger. Life is tough for people who neither can control themselves nor take responsibility for their actions. They always live a life of conflict and blame the world for being unfair.
Good luck with that, better hope you don't find a flat mate like me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): I can very much relate to your story. My mom used to do it to me my whole life, now she passed away 2 years ago, and I regret my angry outbursts at her. She was really hostile in her remarks about my and very creative, I must say also. She did it for as long as I remember, knowing that i m going to react like that. And then she blamed me for my anger.Someone once was witnessing our fight and said out loud that my mom is nocking me on floor and keeps on hitting me with her feet while I'm already down. She didn't like it at all, that person was never welcomed into our house again. But that was the only time when someone actually saw what was going and stood up for me. Of course we all responsible for our own actions. But the point is how to turn this situation to your benefit. When I learned how to calmly respond to people like that, and then if they don't react in a proper for me way and keep on doing what they were doing to me, eliminate them from my life, it really helped me.I ve met quite a bit of toxic for me people and learned how to either explain to them how I want to be treated, or to cut all the contact. Believe it or not most wanted to be in my life, and changed their ways of behavior around me. My mom never did, but I was isolating myself from her for a long periods of time after each incident, and it worked for a little, but this is as much as I could do.Angry reaction is not going to do you any good, it never did any good to anyone, it will be much to you benefit to learn how not to do it and handle these situations with grace. Then who will be the bad guys?
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female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 Simple Answer. Yes you do have a problem, you do not know how to control your anger. You are an adult who's brain is perfectly capable of processing the information needed to access and respond to any situation. You and only you are responsible for your actions.
You need to see someone about this, or you will always be labeled as the bad guy.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2012):
 You have a simple question and yet you want a detailed answer. Wow. Your question is “am I responsible for my own behavior” the answer is YES no matter what the circumstance or the rational… YOU as an ADULT are RESPONSIBLE for your own behavior.
There was a comic many years ago Flip Wilson who had a character named Geraldine… and her famous line was “the devil made me do it” it was funny because everyone knew that the character made excuses for everything… that’s you.
GROWN UPS take responsibility for their actions no matter what.
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female
reader, peteloevely +, writes (29 November 2012):
 You are not to blame for what you feel, but you are to blame for your reaction... you can be upset yes, but you dont have to blow up, as an adult or child emotions are emotion.
But if you flip and loose it ... well whatever happens next is entirely up to you, throwing a tantrum might be the way to deal with things as a kid, but it does not work very well when you are a grown mature wo/man.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (29 November 2012):
I agree with the others that you're responsible for your actions.
But, now that we established this (don't forget!), maybe I know a bit what you mean.
My father used to say very provoking things to my little brother and he always got very angry. Of course he acted like a raging idiot, but he was hurt on purpose. I never thought it's fair of my father that he did that, because in the end all sons want to be accepted by their fathers, or at least honestly criticized, but these small, repeated insults that were halfway masked as jokes were really hurtful. Nothing was ever gained from these stupid scenes that I had to watch over and over again.
If you're in a similar situation, then the solution is not to determine who's fault it is but to figure out how to deal with the situation in a better way.
Obviously, there is a miscommunication in your family and an unhealthy, repeating pattern.
Since you've already seen that getting angry now is what everybody expects you to do, maybe it's time to change. See, if you blow up in anger, nobody will take you seriously and as you've seen, no one will change.
Anger is a response to threat and hurt. Find out what is threatening or hurting you.
See if there are points being criticized about you that you could change and see as acceptable. See if the way you are criticized is what causes your anger. Separate that. I'm generally good at accepting critical feedback, but when it has a hostile sting, I also get rather defensive and angry, even if the point about which I'm being criticized is acceptable.
Try to talk about the issue in a calm moment with your family, express that this pattern is hurtful and you don't want to go on like that. Take into account what people say, listen to this family member and reflect on the aspects where you think he or she has a point. Admit mistakes if you made some. But also address your needs and how you wish that people would treat you in the future.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 November 2012):
SIMPLE ANSWER : It's your fault. Actually, I strongly dislike the word " fault ", I prefer " responsibility ".
It's your responsibility ,as an adult, to learn to deal with your emotions and control your reactions, independently from what other people may do or say.
People, including your closest relatives, are under no obligations to change their behaviour in the way that's more agreeable or comfortable to you. Yes, it would be nice of them if they would take your sensitivies into account, but if they don't , either they have their own good reasons, or, they just are imperfect, flawed human beings same as you are.
Nobody is bound to tiptoe around your sensitivities in order not to cause a certain reaction. It is totally up to you either CHANGING your reaction, or keeping it in check, or , if you just can't, staying away from that person and any occasion of conflict.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 If you are the one getting upset and angry then yes, you are the person with the problem.
Your so called fair warnings might have carried some weight when you were 9 or 10 but what ever words they are that you claim provoke you should be like water off a ducks back at your age.
What you are doing is trying to make other people responsible for YOUR bad behaviour. Stop it! Grow up and take responsibility for your own emotions and actions.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 I'll make it very simple for you. In the adult world, YOU are ALWAYS responsible for YOUR actions.
If you're ever uncertan about this again, read the laws in yoru country. A provoked attack can LOWER your sentence, but you will still be on trial for the actions you did, and will have to face the consequences. The person who provoked the attack wont necessarily be punished at all (they rarely if ever do, unless they started punching you for example. But even then you're better off running away than punch back in case they report you).
You can't control what other people do. You can't continue your life handing out threats, "if you do this or that I'll be angry with you". That's a threat. People have the right to do whatever they want, and you still do not have a right to attack them. If you have a problem with what they do, you can report them to the police, or you can look the other way and stop hanging out with people who do things you find difficult to accept.
Even if you tell people you will be angry, you still have the option of walking away and not lose your temper. You are the only one responsible for keeping yourself cool, you are the only one responsible for not acting out. So yes, whatever YOU do is YOUR fault. Whatever others do is THEIR fault, but you are always responsible for YOUR actions. No matter what.
Lets say you are drunk, and tell people "If you do this or that you give me no choice but to drive away". And then they do this or that, and you get in the car and drive away while drunk. Do you REALLY think the police will give a damn when you tell them "but they shouldn't have done this or that, they should be held responsible, not me!".
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): I think it falls 50/50. If you have no control over your temper and another family member has no control over what they say to you, you are as bad as each other.
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (29 November 2012):
 YOU and YOU alone are the only one responsible for how you act. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or saying, YOU are the one who is supposed to be in control of what YOU say and do. Blaming your behavior on those around you is like saying that you are weak minded with no self control or will of your own.
It's time to take some personal responsibility for your own actions, and stop trying to pin your bad behavior on those around you.
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