A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I fell for my best friend (female). Didn't say, because I was certain she didn't feel the same, although we are ridiculously close. Anyway, many of our mutual friends were convinced she did feel the same, as although she denied it verbally, her behaviour suggested otherwise - she constantly touches me, will sit next to me and put her hand on my leg, cuddle up with me on a sofa, occasionally act territorially around me with other women. At two recent parties, people said she lit up around me and when I wasn't around she was casting glances in my direction. On Saturday she told someone were we only friends and would hate it if I told her I wanted more (not within my hearing) and then promptly came into main room, budged me up to share my chair (when one was empty right next to me) and put her arm and hand on my leg. I mean, like, immediately after saying this to someone.I am very confused. I think perhaps she is, too, and don't know what to do. I know if I tell her and she doesn't, that's the end of the friendship (as I know that has happened in the past with someone else) and I can't bear the thought of hurting her (she tells me she loves me and can't imagine life without me as her best friend, even though we have only known each other 3 years).I am thinking I need to minimise contact with her without saying anything. The problem is we have the same interests and would be bumping into each other on a very regular basis and just be awkward and there is no way either of us could give up this one main interest and there is nowhere else to practice it in our area.I really need advice here, PLEASE.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): When it comes down to it, nothing anyone tells you is going to change what you are going to do. Chances are you deep down you decided what you wanted to do a long time ago, but just needed someone's help to affirm that decision.
All I can say is, I'm in a similar situation, and I haven't found a solution. But I from the sounds of it, it looks like you are her crutch. Just someone to help her feel needed, wanted, and loved. But unfortunately, you may not ever be anything more than that to her. (I rarely use never because technically anything is possible)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): ok i may be way out in left field but i propose that you try this. back way off. let it be known to people that you know that she will hear it from that, the reason that you are backing off is because you are at a time when you want to move out of the friend zone and she doesnt. Let her think about that... she will either realize that she is in major denial about her feelings and find a way to let you know...or she will be relieved that you have backed off. either way there is no confrontation...and you can be casual friends. I tend to think if she is in fact in denial, and you speak with her concerning your feelings she will say something that she hasnt really thought thru and damage the relationship further. I think that she believes she only loves you as a friend...space with the thoughts of losing you may be the jolt that she needs. i am only guessing and as i said i may be off track...just an idea. mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMarried - a mutual friend (B) didn't ask right out but was going through something similar and asked how my friend would feel in similar circumstances (ie, if I declared I had feelings for her). The response was she wouldn't want to know. However B said it was rather OTT than matter of factual, she looked like a rabbit caught in headlights and it was immediately after this that she came and budged up on my seat and put her hand on my leg.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): do you have a mutual friend that could feel her out? Mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): This one is a tricky one and one I've experienced myself. It sounds like your friend is the same as the one I used to have, very touchy/feely and affectionate with me with behaviour that could easily be construed by outside observers as signs of interest.
I hate to say it but with girls like her it's not, the other Aunts are being diplomatic/romantic when they say there's a chance of taking this relationship to another level, there isn't, it's not going to happen and I know I'm not wrong because I've gone through it and because she has said so to you and to others. You know this too, like me your head is telling you exactly how this situation really is but your emotions want to so badly for it not to be the case you are getting confused, because you're adding up all the little signs into something they're not.
The best way to understand her behaviour is to understand how girls like her and the friendship you have with her works and how she's sees it. To her you are a safety net, a rock, someone she feels comfortable enough being really close to, but most of this comfort comes from her feeling she is able to get very close physically/emotionally to you without the complication of romantic or sexual feelings, essentially you are a girlfriend to her and that's as far it goes.
I'm sorry to have to say all this to you, I'm also sorry that you're in this situation because I know from experience that it hurts a lot and it's not going to get any easier from here on in.
Here are some possible outcomes.
The first, which is the worst and pretty much undoable, is to try and deal with your feelings while still trying to maintain your friendship at the level it is at, which is kinda impossible because the closeness will feed your emotional needs and seeing her with another guy would crush you.
The second is you cut down contact to try and deal with your emotions and let them dissipate a bit without telling her how you feel, which is also pretty much a no-go, because it would be unfair to just stop seeing her without a reasonable explanation and even if you made one up, there is every chance it will resume the same way and your feelings will resurface.
The third, and least damaging way to resolve this, is to sit down and talk to her about it, and tell her you need some time apart to deal with your emotions. Let me make something clear, this friendship will not and cannot be the same again no matter what you decide to do. At least this way you are honest with her and while she will be hurt, it's nothing compared to how bad things will get for both of you should you try to stick this one out.
This friendship as it is, is not gonna work for you because you you have fallen for her those feelings don't just disappear either, they take time, a lot of hard thinking and quite a deal of pain to get over but that is what you must do, just try to make it as painless and amicable as possible for her as you can.
I wish you luck, because for me this kind of situation is possibly the worst I've had to deal with (it's happened to me twice. I know, I should have known better the second time but the heart wants to hope). It's a long painful process especially seeing as you will see her a lot, but you have to try and get at least a few weeks without seeing her before you can get a grip on this, because seeing her in person is like a reset button, her smile when she sees you her actions they're like beautiful drug that will feed your addiction to her. Cold turkey is the only way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thanks for your advice, I do appreciate it.
Brooklyn - I get where you are coming from but I know a past male friend (not as close as we are) once revealed his feelings and she flipped out, wouldn't have anything to do with him again. Which is why I am afraid of saying anything if I am wrong, it would hurt her so much.
Married - yes she is available, has been almost throughout our friendship and everyone but everyone says we are the ideal couple because we have same interests and values.
Brainscan - I know for a fact she is not promiscuous at all. She has had a couple of very long-term relationships and that's it, she never sleeps with someone unless she is in love with them.
Fatherly - she doesn't limit my doing anything with other female friends as such, it's more that they have noticed her being more public (hugging me, linking arms with me). But I guess it could be taken your way.
The general belief from our mutual friends is that there is something there but that perhaps she is worried I don't feel the same or doesn't want to ruin the friendship. I once mentioned I was thinking of moving away and she fell apart and she is usually very reserved and unemotional. Which is why I needed the advice and need to get this right. It could be wonderful or a disaster and when you have something special already, the fear of crossing the line is huge. Thanks, all.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 January 2010):
 She is using you. She is deliberately limiting your contact with other girls. Claiming you publicly as her own. So that she will have someone to hang on between other guys. Either that or she is a complete commitment phoebe. Either way the relationship is unhealthy.
I don't advise lying but, in your case I am tempted. What you need is a relationship with someone else. Then you can tell her, "you can't sit that close to me, it makes my girlfriend jealous."
I know you like her but she is hurting you in return and she needs to be told to stop.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): She's probably promiscuous and just sees relationships as a way to have some fun and then screw someone over. So she's trying to get everything else she wants out of a relationship from you without actually having to be in one.
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female
reader, kayxlovesxjamiex +, writes (4 January 2010):
 as a woman myself, and have been through this, i suggest you ask her if she has any feelings for you, beside friendship! if she ask why do ask? just say a few mates have told you! you will tell by her reaction if she thinks the same way or not! i suggest not to make a move on her because that really would ruin your friendship if she doesnt feel the same way.
good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): is she available? No recent or pending ex'es? If she reciprocates...do you see a future with her? Do you have the same values? There is a difference in the qualities we require in friendships as opposed to a potential mate. If the answer is yes to all three, yes talk to her. If not then back off a bit and dont be quite so available.mal
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female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (4 January 2010):
 If you are considering limiting contact with her, wouldn't that hurt her more than telling her you have feelings for her? I think so!
Being honest with her, doesn't seem like it would hurt her...and wouldn't be as awkward as if you just stop hanging with her as much.
Sounds like she is confused too. You probably are a safe haven for her.
Take a risk...tell her the truth about your feelings. That is so much more mature than just removing yourself from her life!
Good Luck & Best Wishes
~BG~
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 January 2010):
I think she's confused too. You're faced with a problem, because the truth is the only way to ever get over someone is minimal contact. So do you just have minimal contact and say nothing, or do you take a huge chance and tell her you like her and possibly lose her anyway. She might not fancy you, but then again she might and it would be a shame not to ask her directly about how she feels. Either way you might end up hurt and might end up with minimal contact, so surely it would be better to take the chance?
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