A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We have had a pretty decent sex life (2-4 times per week) until about 3 or 4 months ago and then everything changed. He says he's just not really in the mood for sex ever but I know that he watches porn and masturbates several times a week. When I confront him on my insecurities about this he says that him doing that has nothing to do with me or our sex life. That makes no sense to me! Obviously if he is watching porn and getting himself off pretty much everyday then why would he need anything from me, right? I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level and get engaged but I'm starting to have serious doubts because of this. We are only in our late twenties with no kids and I feel we have a weak and un-exciting sex life already. When we do have sex it's great and we have definitely been trying to spice it up with different things but he just doesn't seem to want it anymore - EVER! I have lost my confidence to even try and initiate because I don't want to get rejected.I could really use some advice, this is starting to seriously affect me every day. I've even been considering possibly breaking up with him. Is it possible he's just lost interest in me? He compliments me everyday and says his feelings haven't changed- so I just don't understand. HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): Hmm...a few months of sudden disinterest. If the guy still has a high sex desire (as evidenced by the porn/masturbation), it could either mean that he could be cheating on you, or becoming addicted to the porn as *the* primary outlet for him without having to worry about pleasuring someone else. With some guys, it gets so bad that he can't even achieve orgasm with a partner and can only climax through masturbation. One guy I knew took it a step farther and could ONLY cum with his hand and KY jelly! Talk about being in a rut.My advice is - have a good frank talk with him, if you feel the relationship is worth saving. Tell him exactly what you've been observing and ask for a direct answer as to why the change. Be prepared to possibly hear something that distresses you, like a new love interest or change in your body weight (if that happened, which I doubt).Other than that, try masturbating on your own! Get one of those detatchable massage shower heads or a vibrator (or let your fingers do the walking!). I'll tell you why your man is doing it - it's really fun! Why should he get all the fun? Also, men are intuitive when they realize the woman is no longer wanting it from him, and he'll tend to step it up with you.
A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (12 April 2010):
Are you judgmental about his sexual desires? Obviously he's not getting what he needs from you--is that his fault?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): I can't believe you are going through this. It's like my story. I came to believe that no one has the right to make you feel that way and ignore that they are hurting you, YOU, the person who loves them. This started happening to me very soon in my relationship, during our dating period. I never thought how bad could it turn. Our intimate life started intense and passionate and after 5 months of dating it became 2 minutes sex which seem like he wasn't looking to be with me but just to getting self-satisfaction. I thought it was not biggie, that not always it had to be perfect and intense. When we got married and had kids the sex got even worse. But later it was not only a sexless marriage but a marriage without communication, without emotional support, with no affection. . . It does affect your self-esteem, your confidence, your self-worthiness. My ex went from not having sex with me, to using porn and masturbating like a hormonal teenager, to using escorts, and eventually cheating with no signs of remorse.You could try talking to him but you will get no satisfactory answers and from there you will not want to talk but you will feel so angry and insulted that he will not see a hurt woman who is communicating her fears and hurts but a whinny witch who does nothing but nag.Try taking him to couples therapy because once you discover his porn addiction he will feel you have invaded his privacy and he is not supposed to be private, he is supposed to be your sentimental partner, he owes you respect and to come clean to you.Maybe my advice is not the best (maybe I turned bitter) but I tried so hard but nothing worked because his mind was so contaminated with porn and escorts and he just couldn't give it up. Try rescuing your relationship without taking yourself into a empty hole where you'll end up feeling so worthless even when it's not your fault.
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth  +, writes (12 April 2010):
It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a serious talk.
maybe try just addressing the fact that you dont have sex anymore rather telling him his masterbating is affecting your sex life.
if you love your boyfriend and he loves you then hopefully the two of you can work this out especially as you have been together for two years.
if this cant be resolved then you need to think about what is more important to you, do you think you can stay in a sexless relationship or do you love your partner enough over see the fact that you dont have sex very often.
I know how you feel as I had an ex who became the same and it dented my confidence terribly which in the end caused a lot of trouble in the relationship so I hope things work out ok for you.
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A
female
reader, Lisa1970 +, writes (12 April 2010):
HiTo start with unfortunately women have been persuaded that men are up-for-it all the time, so as soon as he says he doesn't feel like it, we immediately begin to blame ourselves. Do I not have the experience, am I boring, does he not like my body anymore. It seems unorthodox that the man that couldn't wait to undress you and make mad passionate love to you, is now dismissing you with a wave of his hand.Try not to go blaming yourself for this as it could be for a number of reasons. Unfortunately you nmay never find out what the real reason is, as men do like to keep things to themself in this area. Some men can masterbate very easily to a porn film or even a photograph but cannot get erect when offered sex with their spouse or a new partner. Try going back to the basics, go out for dates, set up some romantic evenings, watch films together and chat. Create some romantic atmospheres, but instead of instigating sex, just cuddle and kiss, maybe he will surprise you and the romantic setting you have created and all that cuddling and kissing may well drive him wild. If not spending time talking can bring out some things that maybe you were not aware of, or that may give you a hint to the problem.If nothing has changed in a couple of months time and you still wish to save this relationship then I would suggest you try to persuade him to enter into some kind of couples counselling. Hope this helps Good luck! Lisa
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): You know what? I had the exact same problem once...and i agree it makes you wander "whats wrong with me?" and well done for trying to talk to him... if you feel confident enough you could try to get him to live out some of the scenes with you, or try some new underwear that will make you feel more sexy and confident which, in turn, will turn him on. If it's a regular thing that he's doing he could have a problem, and should try and get him to talk to a sex therapist and if he wont, you could tell your worries to a gp. But i'm sure you deserve much more love and attention than what you are getting x
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