A
female
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anonymous
writes:I am a confident, intelligent, and independent 21 year old woman. I work full time, i am also a part-time university student (finishing my degree in 6 months). I own my own car and have recently moved out of my parents house and have had no trouble creating a lovely home for myself. For the last 3+ years i have had an incredible urge to have a baby, but i've held off this long as i would rather not be tagged as an 'uneducated teenage mother'.I am currently seeing a 24 year old man, he has a good job, a wonderful personality and best of all the best genes i could've hoped for in a mate. We're not in a 'relationship', mostly due to my own dislike for monogamous relationships. I do know that he loves children, and would love to have his own (in probably the next 5-10 years). I am starting to think more and more that he would make the perfect father for my child - even though whether the two of us continue any sort of romantic relationship doesn't really worry me.My question is, is it extremely wrong of me to want to just get pregnant to him? Essentially trapping him into being father?!? I think he would make a wonderful father, and i know he's willing to be a father (one day) so it doesn't really seem all that bad to me... but i definately want some other opinions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): Ummmm...YEAH, it's wrong.
Go to the sperm bank. They've got plenty of samples. You can choose intelligence, skin tone, hair color. The whole nine yards. The men who donated had a choice. This guy doesn't. Don't do this to him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): She needs to use wisdom in her decision making and not base it out of fear or desperation.
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A
female
reader, x-L-x +, writes (10 September 2006):
 i think the abuse you are gettin for asking this question is outrageous...you seem trapped with decisions already you dont need more from the readers, however i do think you should think this through thoroughly. i can understand your dislike for relationships, but i think to bring a child into this world you definatly need some sort of support and care from more than one parent, even if it meant your family could help out, it would make things easier for you and the child. talk to this man, chances are he may feel the same and want to bring up a child with you- but not "with" you, if you see what i mean. please dont do anything behind his back, that would just be wrong.
good luck
x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006): Expense should never overrule what is morally the right thing to do.
If she wants a baby so bad; she can work her butt off and save up for the sperm bank or adoption.
She's an intelligent and independant woman afterall.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006): Hey anonymous,
While I think it's wrong to trap someone into being a father, would you consider being a single mum??? I know that sounds a bit odd - and I can imagine the torrent of abuse from this lot - but think about it for a second.....
Being matter-of-fact about it, this guy has the genes you're looking for. Could you discuss with him the possibility that you want to have his child - but without the necessity for him to be a full time father - therefore not 'ruining his life'. You have to be careful about these things (for example, you wouldn't be able to put his name on the birth certificate) but you'd get the child you want and you'd have been honest with him about what you want.
You sound to me like you're not convinced about long term monogomous relationships anyway, so I don't feel that being a single parent would be a huge problem to you.
However...... please do consider, not just this desire to have a child, but all the other desires you might have as a young woman - and by this I mean, for example, to travel or to have a great career, these sorts of things..... They say having a child is expensive - and I'm sure it is, but I know for a fact that childcare can cost £800 per month for someone who needs a child cared for to cover a full time job. Are you going to have access to that sort of money without having to then look to the child's father??? Perhaps being a single parent isn't so easy?!
As for the sperm bank suggestion - yikes!! - they cost a damn fortune - (I know, I've looked) - and I (personally) always wonder about the sort of person who donates to a sperm bank anyway - and would you want to have to use an anonymous donor if you didn't have to...?????
All in all, my concise advice, would be to talk to the guy about it and think carefully how the whole thing would work out, not just the rose tinted version.
Good luck,
Another Anon....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006): "I am a confident, intelligent, and independent 21 year old woman."
Are you sure? Wait, of course you are - you wouldn't be saying it, if you didn't think so. [sigh] Why?!?! WHY MUST?!?!
Flame? Yeah, I know. Just why?!?! HOW?!??! Am I still dreaming, still in my coma from 1995? Is she real?
As Malyce suggested: sperm bank.
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A
male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (10 September 2006):
 WAKE UP!!!
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (10 September 2006):
If your boyfriend came round tomorrow and said that he had a chronically ill parent who would need constant care and attention for the next few years and that you had to play a major part in this, including financially, would you be okay with that? Or would you prefer he had asked you first? Also please note there's quite a difference between 'independent' and 'selfish'...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006): Why dont you just go to the local animal adoption center and adopt a cute little puppy. Do not trap this man. Hopefully since its obvious you arent thinking right maybe he will and refuse to sleep with you unless he uses protection. There should be a law against people like you.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 September 2006):
 Wrong, very wrong. To mislead someone over so significant a matter is utterly un-justifiable.
You need to think about why you have your 'dislike for monogamous relationships'. Your future children deserve a family, a father, and to provide that you will need to change yourself.
I strongly suggest you wait on having any children until you have understood where this feeling comes from.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): If you are that intelligent then you should know that to go behind some unsuspecting mans' back to use him to get pregnant is morally arrested.
Two adults should both want to have children and both want to commit to being a parent.
You need to show some respect and honor and ask him if he is willing to have a baby with you.
I say if you want a baby so bad; visit a sperm bank or look into adopting.
It is a violation on another's free agency to do what you are proposing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): Did you really think the replies would say "way to go!" - I think to intentionally trap a man in this way is very calculating and very selfish - giving no thought to him, the child or anyone else but yourself.
The fact that you are 21 isn't so much the issue, but (no offence intended) I would question your maturity if you don't want a monogomous relationship yet and want to carry this out.
I doubt we can stop you doing what you want to do, you sound determined. The sad fact is that one day you'll realise how many people you have hurt in the process, sure you'll love your baby and maybe the father will - but there will always be the guilt that you'll have to carry well beyond 9 months of pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (9 September 2006):
why would u even consider trapping someone like this and potentially ruin their life? wake up and realise what u are saying, u hav got ur self caught up so deep in thinking about cloning the perfect child uv lost touch with reality.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (9 September 2006):
 Lots of people have babies young (often by accident) but you should be clear in your own mind why you are doing this. You work, you are in college and just starting out with your adult life and you are trying to make yourself a single parent and juggle unimaginable demands of children, education and employment together. Given the choice most people would prefer to leave it a few years I am sure to allow themselves to see a bit of the world, and develop some long term financial stability. You may not be into committed relationships at the moment but you are contemplating entering the most committed relationship of all i.e. that between a parent and child. You cannot expect this guy to be too happy about the 'sperm donor' thing if you don't discuss it with him in advance. You may find in a couple of years that you do indeed want a monogamous relationship with him, or another guy. I said in my 20s I would never get married and never have kids...yet in my 30s I am married and contemplating starting a family. People change and that includes your man too...he maybe a really nice guy now, but perhaps he will drift away, abandon his child or start a relationship with another woman later on and focus on her. You are only trapping him as a father if he doesnt know what you are thinking - you should tell him how you feel, and try to work out why you don't want a monogamous relationship with him. If you don't think you don't have the time to fit in a full on relationship, then parenting is very full on! If you are scared of falling for him, take a big breath and take the plunge - even if it doesn't work out then you will learn a lot about yourself. If you really are not fussed about whether he sticks around or not, then he shouldn't be the father of your kids - if he isnt THAT important to you...why is he good enough to be the father?
Being young, free and single is ok but being with a solid partner (provided they are right for you) is good too...settling for half measures of an 'open relationship' is a sign that you are perhaps frightened of commitment, being hurt and losing control over the interpersonal aspects of your life (...as is the case when your heart rules your head). Think carefully before you start a family at 21...there are so many reasons why starting a family in 5+ years time will be better.
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A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (9 September 2006):
 Of course its wrong, why on earth dont you like monogamous relationships either? If you are not even in a proper relationship I think its absurd to just go and get pregnant by him, you are using him as a sperm donor and its not fair.I dont think this is wise, you say you are intellignet and I am sure you are but this is not an intelligent choice.
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A
female
reader, Juliette +, writes (9 September 2006):
 I'm not sure to be honest. None of us have the certainty of one partner all our lives, but I am certain that if you did this, it should be with his consent and support.
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