A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel like a bit of an idiot saying this out loud but please someone help me. I've been with my partner for 4 years. We recently migrated with his job. He works away all the time and I am struggling to get work. So i am alone, no work or friends. I turned on my facebook and a guy had emailedd me saying 'Nice Smile'. At first i thought, hmm weirdo but when i looked at his profile he was lush. So i thought why not reply, i'm bored lonely...someone to talk too. Well its been 3 months now and we speak everyday all day and night. He is so romantic with the things he says..nothing like my partner. He only recently asked if we could meet. He knows i have children and a partner. He says thats fine but really wants to meet me. I am so lonely...but not lonely enough to jump into bed with someone. I am cheating? I know the risks of internet chatting etc and i'm not stupid but 'oh god, i want him so badly'!!!
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 "I am so lonely...but not lonely enough to jump into bed with someone."
Riiiiight.
Lonely can be solved without talking to a "guy". You could talk to women, children and the elderly. No, you solve your "loneliness" by talking with a sexually compatible person.
You ain't talking to him for conversation but for sex.
When you two meet, you will have sex. If not the first date then the second because that is what all this is about.
And your second post will be "I slept with another man and now my life is a mess but I never meant to do it".
But hey, I get were you are coming from. I lunched with my female co-worker because I wanted to hear her talk... difference is, I got no chance at all. You do.
Stop bullshitting yourself.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 I don't think this guy is all that. He says the things you want to hear, thats all. If he truly cared about you he'd respect that you are in a relationship and not want to meet up for sex. He sounds like he is only thinking about one thing, and he is probably talking to many other women online too! I mean after all he chatted you up on facebook. You are not the only woman he has contacted on facebook or other sites, I can assure you.
He is a fantasy. Don't meet up with him and focus on your relationship instead. If you are truly miserable with your partner break it off. The solution is not flirting online with a stranger. Have you even seen him? Many put up fake pictures online to attract others. Don't fall for an easy prank.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (16 June 2010):
 It might seem exciting but hes probably had a lot of practice at it and will be good at shmoozing bored, lonely ladies. Hes been talking up a storm just so you will want him. Thats the idea of it all! And if you havent had much attention from your partner for a while, its very easy to find yourself getting silly. Its a bit like having a drink after a long time. It goes straight to your head. Lotharios know that! And trust me, you wont be the only one hes doing this with. If you could read his internet history you'd probably have a fit! We could all turn on the computer and within a few minutes have more Lotharios trying to seduce us, than than you can shake a stick at. Telling us we deserve better and we are sooo sexy, ad nauseam. Its all out there for you if you really want it that badly. But at the end of the day its just sex. Hes not interested in the fact you have someone and you are a mother. He doesnt care how getting caught will impact on you, your partner or the children. Try telling him youve fallen for him and can you and the children move in. He will be off like a scalded cat! If hes tempting to you, its not because you dont have a job or you are bored. Its because you feel lonely and neglected by your partner. I totally understand how that can make you feel. I went through it with my ex husband. But cheating wont solve anything. It will just make you even more unhappy and lead to major problems if you get caught. Somehow youve lost sight of the fact, you have a partner there whos working his socks off for you and the family. Hes trusting you and clearly has no idea your free time is taken up with this other man. You could give in to the guy and have sex but i hope you dont. It would be far better and fairer to ignore him and focus on your relationship. Talk to your partner. Tell him problems within the relationship are critical. Tell him what you need. And listen to his needs. If things dont work out then have the courage to tell him and make your own way in the world. Its do-able and will be far better than him finding out youre cheating/having sex with someone from the internet. If he does and walks out on you, you will still be left to make your own way in life... If the relationship IS dead its far better to leave it for that reason with your head held high. Rather that, than be discarded because you were caught having sex with some man you met online. Theres no dignity in that. So put your "sensible head" on. See this guy for what he is. And talk to your partner x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): First of all, you're not an idiot. Many women have been in your shoes and know how you feel. When in a settled relationship, and feeling a bit taken for granted, it's natural to miss the excitement of the initial chase and the romance of the first encounter. And because contact over the internet is very much about writing, it's the perfect place to get that thrill - because you're working on the written word, which is inherently more communicative and romantic than speech. Plus, there is a delay about meeting and making contact that you don't get in real life, which adds to the mystique and the delight of the hunt!
However, I think that what you're experiencing isn't love but limerance - an obsessive form of romantic desire for another person, that is as much about 'being in love with being in love' as it is about the object of your fascination. While you've spent a lot of time chatting to this man, and it probably seems that you know each other inside out, you actually need to guard against that feeling. Internet conversations are absolutely ideal grounds for idealization of the other person - it can be so easy, in the absence of tonal and visual clues, to put the other person on a pedestal, or to believe that you have more in common than you really do. The other person is in a highly seductive position - at once too close (a confidant, a romantic friend) and too distant (you've never actually met and haven't had to deal with the mundaneness of everyday life together).
I think it's important that you stop for a second, take a time out, and think about what you're doing. As you yourself point out, these conversations are very, very dangerous for your relationship and your are verging on infidelity now. While you haven't actually even met this guy, you are having an emotional affair and your partner would be deeply hurt to find out that you had feelings for another man. If he were to see these conversations, you would lose his trust and his faith in you. I know he may seem humdrum and everyday, and maybe he needs to do more to pay you some attention and make you feel good - but he's also stuck by you for four years and is supporting you while you don't have work. And he's a father to your children, whose happiness is also at stake here. I'm all for couples splitting up if they are truly unhappy together, because I don't think it does kids any good to see marital misery - but it doesn't sound as if your partnership is that bad, and so you need to think about whether it is really worth risking your happiness, and your children's position in a stable marital household, for a man you've never even met?
Essentially, what I'm saying is that while your crush on this mysterious stranger is understandable and I'm not for a second blaming you for it, I think it is just a crush. Furthermore, one that is distracting you from taking care of more important business. From your message, you have a couple of problems in your life. The first is your lack of contact time with your partner, and his lack of attention towards you. The way to deal with that is not to find someone else who does pay you attention, but to sit your partner down and talk to him! Don't accuse him or berate him, but explain how lonely and isolated you feel, and how much you're struggling with feelings of loneliness and boredom. Explain that you need a bit of romance back in your life, and suggest a romantic dinner for two, or a river cruise, or whatever you would love to do in your most idealized fantasies! Doesn't he deserve at least a chance to understand and react to your feelings?
The second problem is your lack of luck at finding a job, which has left you very isolated. I bet that if you were able to exercise your talents in an interesting and rewarding position, you wouldn't even be giving this Facebook stranger a second glance. However, instead of throwing yourself into the hunt for work, you're spending all day on the computer speaking to him. This is not helping you! I know how tempting it is just to chat to him all day but honestly, you will feel much happier and less lonely if you get out of the house and meet people. I know it's very, very tough finding work at the moment, but keep trying. And do some volunteering while you look to get you out of the house and meeting new people! Not only will it keep you away from temptations online, but it'll look fantastic on your CV.
Please, just stop and think for a second about what you're risking! I see a lot of messages on this forum from people stricken with absolute anguish and guilt after cheating on a partner whom they still love. I would hate to see you join their ranks. You seem like a good person with morals, so it would be agony for you to deal with that guilt in secret, or to have to confess the situation to your husband and children. Stop now, while you still can, and devote yourself to dealing with the real problems in your marriage and your life that are making you justifiably unhappy! I wish you all the best of luck with the job hunting!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 June 2010):
You're having an emotional affair, and I think unless you stop now, very shortly you'll be having a physical one as well. You're feeling lonely, you're feeling lost and it has to be said that I do understand why. But you need to stop this now and look at your life. Because this will lead to an affair, and then you will have to face up to your husband and kids and explain why it has all gone wrong, and it will be your reputation that is left looking bad. Stop now, talk to your husband and tell him you're feeling low and need him. Sort your relationship out fast.
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (16 June 2010):
You are emotionally cheating if your partner has no idea you talk to this bloke, and you are talking romantically, regardless of whether you sleep together or have any sexual contact with this guy you know this isn't right or you wouldn't have even questioned yourself enough to come on here.
Personally I would really think about how you are going to move forward from here, you are potentially going to step into putting a massive strain on your relationship as you are essentially going to start seeing someone else. Take a massive step back and consult why you are spending so much time contacting this guy in the first place and what you are seeking from him that you aren't getting from your partner, then personally I would sit down with your partner and tell him you feel that your relationship is lacking in these things BEFORE you seek solace in the arms of someone else.
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