A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I sometimes catch up with my 1st love..like we talk a few times in a year...I'm no longer in love with him.But the fact is,i always feel happy when i talk to him.A few days ago, i thought about catching up with him after almost 4 months but he didn't pick up. Nor did he reply to my texts.So today morning, when i got up to his phone call; i couldn't help but feel happy. I wonder if this is wrong; because i am seeing someone else. And he's not too thrilled that i still talk to him once in a while.The fact is, i love my boyfriend a lot and we plan to get married. But i still do want to talk to this guy once in a while...just to make sure he's doing fine...he always makes me calm and happy.That's all. I want nothing more.Is that wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone. will keep this in mind.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 It's wrong that he makes you feel happy and calm. Or, in fact, it's wrong that you need to be in touch with him to feel happy and calm, and that you don't feel happy and calm enough with your boyfriend.
You are obviously not just getting in touch out of courtesy or harmless curiosity, as if he were an ex neighbour from your old building. If it was like that, sure there's no harm, and if you have so much time and energy to invest in social contacts , good for you.
But that fact that he makes you feel special sensations indicates that deep down you still carry a torch for him, and if you are serious about getting married and making your marriage work, you'd better stop cold turkey holding on to the past.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Quite simply - if you had no feelings for your ex anymore then you would not need him in your life to feel 'happy and calm'.
You have everything you need (supposedly) from your current partner, whom you intend to marry. Therefore you should not need to be catching up with your ex to feel 'happy and calm'.
I am friends with one of my ex's, and from time to time on facebook we might have a quick chat. However the key thing here is that I feel NOTHING when I talk to him, I dont feel happy, calm....etc. All I feel is pleased to know he is doing ok, and enjoy talking to him like I would any other friend. It is not important to me that we talk, and to be honest it would be no big loss if we never spoke again.
But in your case, it clearly seems like there is a deeper attachment than just friendship and you still have 'feelings' because he makes you 'feel' something when you talk to him. If it were just purely friendship you would feel nothing at all when you spoke to him.
So if your question is - "Is being friends with an ex wrong" then generally, no it is not wrong.
But if your question is "My ex makes me feel happy and calm so I like to keep him in my life from time to time, is this wrong?" - then yes, it is wrong because you have a new partner yet you are still getting something from your ex.
I suggest if you are serious about your partner and you want to marry him, then cut out contact with your ex for good and move on once and for all. Dont allow any feelings to remain like you are doing now, just end the friendship, ask him not to contact you anymore, delete his number and that is the end of it. If you want to make your current relationship work then you need to do this, and if you honestly cant bring yourself to cut him out of your life - well that is your clear indicator that you are not over him and he is more important than your current man.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): No there's nothing wrong with it.
I have to say though it would make me very uncomfortable dating a girl knowing her ex still had such a profound emotional effect on her. It would make me feel a little insecure to be honest and I think I'd grow to hate the guy because he still had such a hold on you.
It would be constantly in the back of my mind that this guy makes you so happy and calm, and I'd worry that when we have hard times you'd go running off to him for support.
You see OP, you say it's just to find out how he is, yet you're still gushing over him in your post. You said he makes you happy over and over again, the way you talk about him sounds like you do still have a level of feelings for him that to me are dangerously close to too much. You may not be in love with him OP but you do still have very obvious feelings for him. Otherwise he wouldn't stir up such strong emotions in you.
I think you're trying to brush this off as "nothing more" but they way you talk about him says that's not true. Perhaps you'll never cross the line into full blown emotional cheating but you're not far off it.
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