A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It seems like to be a good friend means to be supportive. And we are all told we should not be judgemental. But what happens if a friend has habits you find offensive and which go against your value system?Are you a terrible person if you want to distance yourself from him or her?I am a conservative woman. I am a somewhat religious woman but who is not fanatical, but who does attend church regularly. I have a friend I made in the last couple years who shares some of my interests and sense of humor. I met her at work, and though I transferred jobs, we kept in touch and see each other every 2 weeks and talk a few times each week.The problem is, I find her sexual habits disturbing. She has a string of relationships with men that are very shallow but who pay for her vacations or give her things or do favors for her. She leads them on, but when they get too serious, she pulls back and gives them the "let's be friends" speech. She's very attractive, 30, so sometimes they remain friends in hopes of one day becoming a boyfriend...but it never happens.I've discussed this with her. I highly value honesty in relationships and her leading men on and her promiscuity in order to get things from them drives me crazy! I think one of these guys was also married. But when I say anything to her, she always says, "Oh, Ellen, you've got it all wrong; we're just playing, it's nothing serious! Lighten up!" But then she'll tell me she's going on a trip to Cancun paid for by one of these "friends". She is in complete denial! Now, it does not affect me since we are friends. So I have debated this within myself, hating myself for being so judgmental. But I find her lifestyle offensive!! It is not only my value system or my traditional lifestyle. Growing up, I have also been witness to cheating and how that can destroy a family. Is it wrong of me to tell her I can no longer be her freind?Does that make me a judgmental bad person?I am so confused....any help would be so appreciated! Thank you for taking the time to read this far.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Best friends (or even "just" friends) don't have to have everything in common for a good friendship to work.
However, if you spend more time being annoyed with her, her lifestyle, whatnot then you enjoy her company it's time to part ways. Sometimes, friendships run their course.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I would say it may come down to whether you feel 'she' is a good friend to you.
Bear in mind we all learn through mistakes, it is possible that when nearing her 40's she might realise the choices she has made are not the best, but that depends on her.
Could you imagine she would be there for you if you had some sort of trial or tragedy?
I would make a decision based on this.
And perhaps also invite her along to a more conservative outing so she can see the peacefull side of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Hi
Your not a bad person but neither is she, she may be making mistakes but she is not bad or evil. It's quite natural to question your friendship. You maybe need to question WHY you were friends in the first place? you say shared interests, work and humour, this was enough to join you. She has obviously divulged her sexual life to you and it offends you. I understand from a different angle because i get offended when people for 'example' judge the sexuality of gay's and say it is wrong,then the self same person who condemmed the gay to hell....when nobody is looking they have the secret porn magazine or video, some get their ass spanked, some visit a pro, as we know many many sexual antics are hidden and that goes for the church aswell.
Her values are obviously very different to your's and you do not have to share the same values, has she asked you to
share her values? you do not have to feel tempted by her antics, or even feel any toxins running through you from her, or feel tainted. You can walk away or stay the choice is yours it depends on who you are not who she is. You go to church maybe you could ask your God what he would do? Did Jesus have a mate who was a prostitute? just an interesting thought as YOU bring religion and the church into this topic.
I think truth is important and integrity and you really should be true to YOU and YOUR friend,which ever way you decide, be as open with her as she was with you. Tell her she is not 'good enough' to associate with you. Mary :))))
Spunky Monkey :)
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A
female
reader, amber123  +, writes (8 June 2011):
I don't think your a bad person, but I think you should talk to them that you don't like what they do. Your following what your believe is right, and thats a good thing. I think that maybe they should get a second chance so that if you have spoke to them and they understand then they deserve a second chance. I don't think you should befriend them, just maybe tell them that you don't think what they do is right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011):
It's not wrong at all. My girlfriend had a similar friend who slept with lots of guys for personal gain. Some of them were married. I didn't like the influence she was having on my girlfriend. Eventually, though, my girlfriend stopped being friends with her because of her personality and - let's face it - this is this your friend's personality. If you don't like her personality then stop being friends.
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A
female
reader, jdd +, writes (8 June 2011):
First, I think you should really think about why you are friends with her. I understand wanting to have good relations with your co-workers, but you no longer work together. Are you just maintaining this friendship to be nice or is it really a friendship that enhances your life? From what I have read, I haven't seen the benefit of being friends. On the other hand, I do see reasons to end the friendship. I find it best to surround yourself with people that inspire you --- with people that make you be the best you that you can possibly be ---- I think this girl would be more inclined to pull you down and be proud of you if you were to follow in her steps --- am I right???? Personally, I would just walk away from it.
but....if you don't.....
If you are bothered by her choices, and I believe you have already made her aware of this --- why don't you just lay your cards out on the table.
You can start by telling her why you value your friendship with her and then tell her that while you like her for all the reasons stated that you would prefer to not talk about her "trists" --- express to her that it makes you feel uncomfortable and also tell her how you bore witness to the damage this type of behavior can bring to other innocent people. Think about your words before you speak and be as ginger as you can be. If she values your friendship equally, she will respect your values. Based off of her present behavior and pride in using people, I think she is a bit to self-serving to respect your values.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 June 2011):
In the end it depends on how YOU feel about it. My opinion might differ from yours, but she is your friend and you are the one who has to deal with your feelings towards her behavior.
Personal behavior reflects what you stand for and in this case the behavior she is exhibiting doesn't mesh with what you think of as how decent people behave. If you cannot separate this from the good side of her that made her one of your friends, then I think there is no foundation for this friendship anymore.
In order to be good friends both need to respect each other and your respect for her is obviously disappearing. Make a decision that feels right for YOU.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Nothing wrong with being judgmental. Anyone who says otherwise is judging you for you opinions, the dirty hypocrites. Besides, it not as if you're advocating passing a law against her kind of behavior, you're just choosing to distance yourself from something destructive and wrong.
You have not just a right, but a duty to live up to your own moral code. That may include stepping away from people who are not compatible with that code.
Besides which, her lifestyle is very destructive. Cheating, divorce, and promiscuity are all contagious - if one person in a social group starts doing it, the others are likely to pick it up as well. She's taking advantage of these men, and deserves the same disapproval that they would receive for taking advantage of her - after all, if these men had promised her a trip to Cancun, slept with her, then left without ever calling again, what would you think of them? Not to mention the heartache she's leaving in her wake.
The time you spend in a friendship with a toxic person is time you can't spend in a friendship with a good person, or in a relationship with a good man.
It's your call.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Her habits make you feel uneasy. That is not you being judgmental. That is more like you going with your gut. It is quite alright for you to feel the way you do and you should respect your intuition. If you don't like it, you just don't.
However, I would not go so far as to break off a friendship with her entirely. I mean does she have any good qualities? There must have been something cool and agreeable about her that drew you toward becoming friends with her. Think about what you DO like about her. Cause right now you are consumed with what you don't like.
Remember nobody's perfect and everybody has their quirks. You don't have to be best friends with her or see her everyday. Different friends serve different purposes. There are friends who are great to go shopping with. Those who are fun to go out with. Those who always lend a listening ear. There are some friends you can see everyday and some you can tolerate in small doses.
Find out what you do like about her and keep her as a friend for that reason but be aware of her limits so you are not disappointed. Unless she did something unforgivable (stole, lied, cheated) then just see her in the doses that you can tolerate. No need, however, to just stop being friends altogether...
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 June 2011):
 I cut off a 4 year freindship with someone I viewed as a very close freind for this very reason.
In my situation, she was telling the man she was with that she loved him, wanted to marry him, have babies, with him etc. She told ME a different story.
I was friends with several of her exes and kept her secrets.
I eventually got tired of hiding her misdeeds and lost respect for her.
I called her on her behavior PRIVATELY and told her clearly that I dissagree with her choices and I would not be the freind I claimed to be if I condoned her behavior. I braced myself, because she DID lash out at me out of anger.
She also had a habit to wish the worst for people. She was horribly unhappy when things went well for others, especially if she felt they did not deserve what SHE wanted/deserved.
After she blew up at me and dissagreed with some of my "lifestyle choices" that she disagreed with. (Like new lovers need to always wear a condom or no playtime! HA!)
I thanked her for expressing her thoughts, then said the freindship was over and I would not be contacting her again. I insisted she do the same and deleted ALL her contact information. Then I cried for awhile.
This was my best freind and I wanted the freindship to work and had many GOOD memories of her. But, I had NO respect for her and she had no moral charachter. It hurt, but if I continued the freindship I knew I could get very bitter towards her.
Also, I noticed that mutual aquaintences that ALSO ended friendships with her started to be uncomfortable around ME. I later found out they judged me by the company I kept and thought I was similiar.
Are you judgemental? No, you have standards and appropriate ethical boundaries.
There is NO shame saying, "I care about you, but I can no longer support your choices and I have lost respect for you. I am going to back off the friendship because I do not wish to be associated with your lack of ethics."
Best Wishes
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A
male
reader, OldTimer Soon  +, writes (8 June 2011):
OK,
Please do not take this personal. Your description of your friend is the definition of a immoral, selfish and toxic personality. She has little respect for herse3lf and thus LESS for everyone else. She has some deep problems and if not counseled could end very badly.
You know whether you should be around her or not. You seem to just to hear that she is trash -- if all you say about her is true. WHY on earth even befriend such toxicity. She is too far gone for anyone but a professional can help.
She could EASILY ruin your life!
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A
female
reader, zebralove +, writes (8 June 2011):
 No that doesn't make you a bad persone. Fallowing your values and what you truly believe in is what makes you who you are. I often did this with friends that I no longer wanted to be around for what ever reasons. I just drifted away slowly by finding new friends.
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