A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, to give a quick background: I've been married 6 years and it's been rocky, but we are at a great point now. I am a very social person and have kept many friends close over the years. My childhood friend / first boyfriend at age 14, mind you still just the holding hand kissing stage, has kept in touch as well. We broke up because i move very far away but have remained good friends He actually lives less than 8 hours away. His business is closing and he has had a goal to come to California where I live. I have asked my husband if he would mind offering our spare room for a couple months to let my friend check out the area and find a job, get on his feet and naturally he said no way. I strongly feel that we could make a difference in my friends life in a positive way and really help him. I'm upset because I feel like I don't have much say in this and want to bring it up again. Am I completely wrong for wanting my husband to trust me with this? I mean we seedling well, and feel like if you have a good thing why not share the positive when you can. It's only a couple months, his things will be in storage. He will be crashing in our guest room. Plead advise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Thanks anonymous woman. We have had roommates in the past, singles and couples and I just thought of it as another roommate. I am glad it will stay just the two of us, it's nice. Plus my friend has a few other options and can make it on his own. I did not bring this up to my husband again.
I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin's family, that sounds terrible and messy. I appreciate your answer and happily respect my husband for protecting us.
Love and Grattitue.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Dear OP u just need to get over yourself for a moment.No one here was disrespectful to u, they were merely pointing out the so called obvious.Will u allow a female to crash next to your bedroom and be alone with your hb. I am all for trust but plse be realistic.I also go all out to help people. My hb and I are blessed to have so much of space and can accommodate many people in dire straits. And we have. We have also had 'strangers' using our place to store their stuff while they make head or tail of their lives. We had people living with us as well I so all I am saying is that we all try to help where we can BUT thus far we have had Families/couples staying and not single people. Perhaps its a decision we made unconsciously. I admire that u want to help out your friend but its a bad idea. Store his stuff if u need to but let him live elsewhere. This is not about dating him previously , it is about safeguarding the survival of your marriage and family life.A very close cousin of my hb opened his home to a friend. This friend was making trouble back home (having relationships with married women only) so his mother asked our cousin to take in this single man and help him get back on his feet. Cousin got the single man a job, lived with cousin and wife, cousin worked very long hours, wife too much of time on her hand and the rest is history. Although no one admitted it, these two horny people had an affair, and cousins wife was pregnant. There is a possibility that this mans wife had her lovers baby. What started off as helping someone, ended up as a nightmare. I gave u a brief summary of the nightmare . Is this what you want or can u see the potential danger.We sometimes are innocent and in innocence want to help people but it comes back to bite u in the ass when u least expect it.I also say well done to your hubby for not allowing your request. Good man. It has nothing to do with trust but everything to do with protecting what is his. So help from afar but know your limits. Do not invite trouble.I had to also learn the hard way: no good deed goes unpunished.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Hi lazy guy you must be single as rude as you are. I want to help people in my life and add a little positive to the world with people like you.
I lived with his childhood girlfriend for 4 years. I can definitely see how it would cause trouble and I didn't bring up again. I actually thanked my hubby for being so nice and understanding when I brought it up and that I was sorry for making him feel uncomfortable. We are great and it did not cause any issues, he just said it made him uncomfortable. I mainly just felt bad for my friend I've known since 3rd grade. I'm not upset, I just get a little carried away wanting to help people. Believe me it does not go any deeper than that in my heart of hearts. It was a 3 month relationship 14 years ago.
Anyway, thanks everyone for the advice. Maybe a couple of you might want to step back and think before you give advice as if the persons asking has bad intentions.
Thank you caring guy, I really do need to put my marriage and my husbands feelings first. And I am. :) I really appreciate your honest answer.
I wish you all Happy Holidays!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): You must know ... in your heart of hearts... that this goes way beyond being 'social'. Do yourself a favor and look at the handwriting on the wall. You know why you are dong this. It is inappropriate to have an old boyfriend living with you and your husband... you know where you want this to go... or where it will go...
You obviously don't know your own heart or head... so why on earth would you expect your husband to 'trust' you? If I were him... I'd be seriously pissed AND I'd make certain you had no further contact with the guy. Deal with your relationship and stop looking for distractions. You are heading down a slippery slope and justifying it all the way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): This idea has bad news written all over it. Im not surprised your husband said no. You werent surprised either as you mentioned he 'naturally said no'. Its not something you should push or get upset about. If you argue because you arent getting your way, then already your ex is causing trouble.
Help by finding him some short term lease somewhere but dont introduce him into your marital home. Youve only just started to get your marriage on track, so protect that. It would put a strain on your relationship and be rather odd if your husband was happy to have your ex sleeping in the next bedroom!
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (3 December 2010):
I have no man in my home without me present. I would have lost trust in you if I was him. Not sure how you thought this would fly. You might as well said can I bring my ex over for sex. We not going to do anything while you're home, but as soon as you leave its on, Trust me. I think you just ask for more mistrust within a unstable relationship. I feel for him-I trust her as far as I can see her.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 hi- If this was the reverse how would you feel ?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 December 2010):
This is asking for trouble, especially given that your marriage has been rocky. This is exactly the sort of thing that will make it spiral downhill very quickly.
This isn't like you're just asking for any old friend. This is an ex, even if it was only during your teens and you didn't do anything but hold hands, and it will rapidly make a mess of your marriage again. You can't seriously expect a husband to be happy about having his wife's ex live in the same house. Even I would be uncomfortable, and I try to be understanding and certainly trusting.
When you got married, both your husband and you made commitments to each other, that you would put each other first and listen to and respect each other, and to 'forsake all others'. You had problems, and you worked through them. Don't bring another problem along.
At the end of it, you should be putting your husband worries first here, because he is your husband, and this other guy is an ex. You need to respect that your husband does not want your ex in the house that you and he have worked hard for.
It's not about you not having say, it's about what is right for your marriage. And to bring an ex into the house is not right, even if he is now just a friend. Your husband will wind up paranoid, or, maybe you and this ex will even have a slip up - it happens a lot. And then you'll wind up divorced with no house between you at all.
Your husband is your husband, your ex and ex. If you want to be a friend to your ex, then be a friend and do some research into jobs or something in this area. But don't bring an ex into the house. It will wreck your marriage
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Can he do the same with an ex-girlfriend. One with bigger tits and a smaller waste?
Thought so.
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