A
male
age
36-40,
*imc
writes:My girlfriend cheated on me and, naturally, I'm extremely conflicted as what to do. The circumstances are thus: I was gone for 5 months (2.5 at the time of the cheating) to hike the Appalachian Trail and was not available to talk often. She did not have sex and it only happened once to my knowledge. The guy was an ex-boyfriend and good friend who had been saying he wanted her back for a while, which I was aware of but never made a fuss about them hanging out. They were, of course, drinking. We were going through a tough time because she wanted answers about our future and I was slow to decide. She told me about the cheating after I decided that I wanted to continue our relationship under the conditions she needed (kids, time-line for marriage). She didn't know it, but I was planning on asking her to marry me on the final mountain of the trail when she picked me up. It has been three months now since I found out and while I'm not angry anymore, I can't feel happy about our relationship for sustained intervals. She is my first love and the only serious relationship I've ever had. I can't imagine letting go and I can't imagine a time when the cheating won't pop into my head regularly. Time could be the cure, but my time is somewhat limited because I have to make a decision regarding work (and whether or not we will move across the country together) in a few weeks. I suppose my fundamental question is whether or not this is something I can get over and if anyone has relevant experience is this sort of thing. Thanks for reading this...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): It is very hard to trust someone when they have done something like this, but at least she told you about it.
Delay the marriage proposal and see how it goes. And tell her how you feel.
Maybe it would be better if she didn't see the ex-boyfriend, as she has been letting him interfere in your relationship. Your absence is no excuse for her to be in any way unfaithful or disloyal.
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (3 December 2010):
I'm a personal advocate for the idea that relationships can withstand anything as long as both people are willing and loving. But that's the catch isn't it? Even if you're in the full 100%, it won't work if she's not nearly as committed as you are.So if they didn't sleep together was it just a make out session? A few kisses? I'm not saying it's not bad, but it definitely could have been worse. More importantly how does she feel about this? Is she being sincere and sorry, or is she acting like you should just get over it?Truth is, everyone makes mistakes, but its the way we handle those mistakes that make us the people we are. If you can tell she's being sincere then perhaps time will give you the chance to forgive. But you need to set some guidelines involving her being around her ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Imagine for one moment that the scenarios playing around in your heart and mind were hers. Filled with doubt of sincerity. Filled with questions. Why? Why won't he commit to me? Why doesn't he love me enough to be with me? This other man does, after all.
Your hesitancy in committing to her physically, emotionally, and through marriage and children may have been an even more torturous emotionally tormenting situation than you can possibly imagine. She had to pressure you for you to decide.
Think about that.
And you are hurt because she needed to affirm herself. Affirm that she was needed...at least by someone...
Realize that she wasn't yours. She didn't betray you. You did not give yourself to her. Why can't you see that the hurt she felt inside was manifested by needing someone she knew to tell her that she was okay. That there is something within her worth having... when you would not. To love you so much that all she wanted was to have you... to have your children... and to spend a lifetime together.
And you are off hiking. You are undecided. You have to undergo 'soul searching' to know which way to go with her. But this other man didn't need to do that....
What is needed to heal this situation (and it can be... easily) is to understand... with compassion... the role you played in this situation. And for her to understand the role she played in your situation. Both of you are hurting over uncertainty of the other. Open your heart to her, I believe she cares for you tremendously.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Only you can answer that question I'm afraid but it doesn't sound like you can.
For me it's not something I could get over and make a relationship work. It's a concrete deal breaker and there's not coming back from it. Even if I forgave, even if the reason was one of the less bad ones, then I still couldn't go on with a girl like that. Relationships aren't perfect we all have tough times but if a girl turns to another guy for comfort during one of those times then she'll do it again. As was the case with your girlfriend, all it took was this guy to not stop pursuing her, wait for his opportunity to pounce when she was at her weakest and score with her. She could have put a stop to his pursuit from the beginning but she didn't, she even went to him when you two were having trouble and ended up getting with him.
Your trust in her is destroyed, one moment of weakness ruined what you had. What happens if you have hard times again? Is this ex still a part of her life? Are there others guys actively pursuing her that she hasn't made stop?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): move on.... I wished I did early.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): I know what you want to hear: 'forgive and forget' ' everyone makes mistakes' 'move on' and so on, but not from me, sorry. I'll tell you exactly what i think from my family, friends and my experiences. The thing is you will never get over it fully and there will always be times when it's gonna start bothering you again and again. She won't understand why you're being cold sometimes and if you say something about it, it will cause arguments and you'll just feel crap for not being able to just cut it out of your memory. Of course you can't imagine life without her cause she's your first love, but there are so many people in this world, I know for sure that there's a person who'd never cheat on you no matter how long you're gone for. I think you should move away on your own, start a new life and find a fully trustworthy person. That's it, drunk or sober, no stupid old excuses, she chose your relationship's destiny when she looked at him and decided it's ok to go ahead and do whatever they did. It's better if you suffer separation with a cheater once than keep remembering and wondering about the future.. what if there's gonna be another time in life when you have to be away and you can't be there to reassure her? The answer is in you. good luck mate.
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