A
male
age
41-50,
*ndianna
writes:me and my wife are both 30 and been together for 12 months. we recently did the "how many people have you slept with" conversation and she confessed to sleeping with 36 people, mine is 12. am i wrong to feel slightly taken aback by her sleeping with that many people, doesn't this seem like a high number to other people? thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dearjohn83 +, writes (18 April 2010):
she's slept with a lot of people but it must mean something that she's married you knowing that you're going to be the only person she sleeps with from now on. You should take comfort in that.
She could've lied but she didn't so don't punish her for telling the truth. Not sure who asked first but if it was you then you had to take the chance that it might be a high number.
Pre marriage is the time for people to know what they want in sex, experiment and have fun. It's not necessarily an emotional thing sleeping with people.
I have a friend who has a high number like that and now she has settled down and would never sleep with anyone else.
And also to the dude telling every guy to try and 'get' as much sex as possible. I think that's sick and it gives guys a bad name and it's those guys that girls DO not marry.
A
male
reader, LarryGalapagos  +, writes (18 April 2010):
Sounds like you're pretty happy and not obsessing about this too crazily, which is a really good thing. After all you probably think your wife is amazing regardless of how many people she's been with. Good luck with everything :)
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A
male
reader, indianna +, writes (9 April 2010):
indianna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the advice. to reply to a few comments:
i'm not bothered about the pride thing, i.e she slept with more people than me.
i'm not worried about how i compare. i know i'm the only man who's made her cum through penetration alone.
i guess it's because it suggests we have different views on sex. i see it as more of a loving intimate act where as it implies she could see it as just sex. mayve it's a fault of mine as i can't really put sex and love in to two complete separate categories. i suppose that if someone can and just wants to have a good time while they're single then why not.
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A
male
reader, LarryGalapagos +, writes (9 April 2010):
Your question specifically asks if 36 is a high number of people.
I think that yes, 36 is a high number of people. But I am a guy and I don't know what this number is like from a female perspective. Maybe it's not that high for a girl.
I would recommend looking at QueenKatie's response and analyzing why you are taken aback.
I would NOT recommend burying this and trying to focus on something else because you would not be resolving the issue and it will keep coming back.
I would also recommend having an open, honest and vulnerable conversation with your wife. I assume you have shown her your vulnerable side before, and you'll need to have a deep, maybe scary, loving conversation with your wife about this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): I understand ALOT of men have a problem with this, and being a man I fully understand as we experience these kinds of emotions when through no fault of our when we fall in love with a woman.
But...lets get to the root of problem!!!
1. 75% of men have a problem with getting into a serious relationship or marrying a woman who is promiscuous i.e someone who had OVER 10+ partners (taken by the great male survey at askmen.com). So as you can see you are NOT alone in feeling the way you do.
2. The men who have limited sexual experience, virgins and men who haven't had as MANY partners as their spouse are more prone to intense feelings of jealously. Which is no fault of anyone considering those men would RATHER be in relationships with women around their level of partners.
So if you fall into those two catergories you are more than likely going to get hit HARD by retroactive jealously, if your partner ever tells you her past.
Now writing to guys who are single to combat feeling these types of emotions the best thing men especially young men can do is sleep with AS MANY WOMEN AS POSSIBLE WHISLT YOU ARE SINGLE, you have to get this out of your system, any fetish or cravings you have explore it, have sex at any opportunity whether you have to pay for it or not. If you are not a player, learn how to be, hang around other men who are good with women do whatever it takes to get your number up.
Because for every day you spend playing call of duty, watching sports, materbating to porn, focusing soley on your career without tending to your social life your FUTURE wife more than likely is out there getting DRILLED an sleeping with every Tom, Dick an Harry. After she has done all of this an had her fun she will later tell you it was a "mistake". Some women nowadays aren't going to save themselves for their future husbands or keep their numbers low which is their right, they moved on and call themselves sexual liberated women the old traditional ways an standards are slowly becoming a thing of the past.
So guys stop saving yourselves waiting for that one special girl whos a virgin because that would be like finding a needle in a haystack. Get out there an have SAFE sex with as many women as possible, so when that fateful day comes when you have the "talk" about how many partners you've each had, whatever you say whether you have slept with prositutes or had several orgies will be forgiven because you can use the same excuse women say to men about how "its in the past" or it was a "mistake" an they now regret it and it made them discover themselves.
Once you have done your dirt you wont feel as much pain and at least she has a pill to swallow with your past so you can go through it together instead of damning yourself to a silent hell experiencing it alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): 36 is not exactly a high number for a 30 year old, if she'd been 20 I would have been a little different but at 30 that's maybe 2-3 people a year since she started having sex. Not exactly scandalous...
I suppose it all depends on where you're from as well. I can assure you that in Europe it would be considered fairly average.
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A
male
reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (9 April 2010):
 The only relationship question worse than that is "am I your biggest".
But no, you're not wrong to be taken back, 36 is a huge number, especially considering she's woman.
Dave: Starmonster! What a sexist thing to say!
Starmonster888: First off Dave, please don't forget the "888".
Secondly, what I meant by "especially considering she's woman", is that, due to society, members of he female gender have been has been pressured into limiting their sexual partners because of "lady like behaviour" expectations. Therefore, it isn't weird that people are surprised,or "taken back", when such a figure is uttered by a woman.
Dave: Oh, so you're saying its not wrong for her to have so many past partners, but its not wrong for the poster to feel bad about neither-
Starmonster888: Precisely, Watson.
Dave: Life is so complicated.
Starmonster888: No, not really, society attempts to add complexity. Its up to us to break the mould.
Dave: Word, I feel you.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (9 April 2010):
 Try loking at it from a different angle.
Imagine her, trying to live her life and hoping to meet someone special and being let down alot.
Truth is she wanted you, but hadnt met you yest and though that these other people were you.
I doubt she is proud of it and would have prefered to loose her virginity to you. But if you are honest are you so proud of your 12?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 April 2010):
 Really take note of what Serenity80 said:
"You are going to have to become a master at being able to detect early on when these thoughts are entering your mind and get skilled at directing your attention away from them, rather than let them consume you with jealousy and bad feelings towards her."
Start doing that now.
If you're only 'taken aback' by this information, then count yourself lucky. Men come to this site frequently having moved past taken aback to 'completely consumed with obsessive jealousy'.
You want to avoid descending into that at all costs. It's not worth it, it's a dead end, and damaging.
The best thing you can do is choose not to care about it. Caring about it will bring you no benefit at all. Choose to occupy your thoughts with other things: useful, beneficial and positive things.
If she loves you now and is faithful to you, that's what matters.
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A
female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (9 April 2010):
It is not wrong but I know you are kicking yourself for not finding out sooner.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (9 April 2010):
Wow, what a mistake to ask that question, especially as you are already married!
36 not a high number if that person is OK with having sex outside of committed long term relationships.
You've slept with 12, so I assume you've slept with a mixture of girlfriends and had some casual relationships and maybe some one night stands?
When it comes to sex, men are the pursuers, and women are the decision makers. You pursued and "successfully" had sex with 12 women, but it was your wife who only had to say "yes" to 36. Is that the core of the problem? You felt she said yes, too easily?
Baring in mind the difference between men and women, couldn't you, if you reversed roles, see your number being nearer hers? If you're honest with yourself?
Moving on to the future, you really do need to come to terms with this information or you risk ruining your marriage, or at least severely damaging the intimacy that you share. If your wife feels badly judged, she will most certainly be less responsive in being physical and sexual with you. You are going to have to become a master at being able to detect early on when these thoughts are entering your mind and get skilled at directing your attention away from them, rather than let them consume you with jealousy and bad feelings towards her. This problem very normal for many guys, so don't feel alone. You can do it. Take care buddie and hope you can look to the future!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): Believe me, I understand how you feel, because my boyfriend has slept with four times as many people as I have. That conversation, important and inevitable though it is, opens up unpleasant anxieties: How do I compare to those past lovers? What was s/he like in bed? Contemplating one's partner in the arms of someone else is never fun, even if it all happened way before they even met us!!
However: here's what helped me. I think you need to look more closely at your own worry here, because you need to identify what underlies your concern. It could be a number of things:
Are you worried that the number is high, and that this means that your relationship with her is unimportant? Do you feel like one in a line of guys? If so, you need to talk to her, and ask for reassurance that you are special. (I guarantee that you are, or she wouldn't be with you right now!! But you may need to hear it from her own lips. This was the anxiety for me, and I felt wonderful when he reassured me).
Or are you worried that you may not compare to the other guys between the sheets? Again, this would be a very natural anxiety to have - but again, if she's had quite a bit of experience and is still with you, you must be doing something right! Talk to her, and let her tell you how great you are!
Or are you concerned about her values because you think she's slept around? Just because she has enjoyed a lot of sex in the past, doesn't mean that she's not entirely committed to you now. Nor does it make her less of a nice, fun person. As people grow up, they change, and they become ready for full-on commitment at different times. Be glad that you have her monogamous commitment to you now. And trust her love for you more than some meaningless number!
Above all, live in the present and don't worry unnecessarily about the past. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (9 April 2010):
 Is it wrong for you to be taken back? No. That seems like a somewhat higher number in my opinion.
Does it need to effect your relationship or how much you love her? No. She's with you now and that's all that matters.
Give it some time to sink in and move on. Think of it as it taking 36 people to finally find the right one.
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