A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 6 months now and I do love my wife. I know when I tied the knot, a lot of things in my life will change and I would have to adjust to many things. I like to think I have done pretty good job on adjusting to the married life and happy to do so. There is just one thing I have a problem with and thats family, and the few friends I call my family. My family raised me to who I am today and I love them all. The problem is that my wife does not like anyone. She gets upset if I even talk to a friend on the phone. She dosn't like any of my family or friends to come over and visit. She doesn't like to go visit any of them. If I ask her she gets upset at the very thought of doing so. I miss my friends and family. I don't know why she is afraid of doing so. I ask and all she said is that she is uncomfortable. She makes excuses about everyone thats close to me to make them look bad. I do not go out with my friends or family and party, drink, or nothing of that sort. A friend or family member asks us to come over to visit or asks if they can visit us and she refuses any contact with any of them. Then she puts me in the middle to choose between them. As a husband that loves his wife I have, will, and still choose my wife. I have always put her first. I just don't see why I can't associate with any friends or my family. Now I just got a email from a best friend thats a brother to me that states that he is happy that I have found a new life with my wife, but he is hurt that I haven't kept in contact with him and his family which is like a family to me. He also told me his mom who is also like a mother to me is very ill. I really want to start visiting them, and spending some more time with them before god takes her. My wife will probably disagree but I have to do what I must. I have alway set my priorities at home with my kids and wife and that never was a problem for me. But why should that only limit me to socializing and caring about anyone else. I would love for my wife to come with me, and support me, for the ones that also mean a lot in my life. I guess my question is, is it wrong for my wife to make me choose between our family (wife and kids),and my family (dad, brother, cousin, close best friends, etc...)? Why can't she accept those that are close to me and consider them as her own family? I have expressed to her what my family means to me and it has not helped any. Should I put my foot down and stress the fact that we need to start spending some time with our family, cause like it or not, by marring me, my family is now her family?
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (15 November 2010):
 Your mistake here was that you gave her total control and she took advantage of the situation. In the beginning when she told you that you couldn't go see your family or welcomed them into your home was the day you should have put your foot down. This control she has over you is possessiveness not love.
For Christmas, birthdays, or any holiday is it just her family and friend that you associate with. Sorry to say this but its time to hang up the apron and MAN up and stop being whip by your wife. Just remember you will only have one dad, one mom, you cannot turn back time and rewind all those special occasions that you are missing out.
Always remember that if things went sour between you and your wife your family would be there to help you pick up your broken pieces regardless of how estrange you have become towards them. Your wife has proven to be manipulate, mean,selfish, and controlling stop the abuse and put your foot down do this for your self respect, your children, and your parents. Good Luck and I really hope you make a change, and stop pushing your family away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): YES YOU SHOULD!!! Sorry for the caps but she sounds very selfish - doesn't she have any friends or family that she sees? If she does, you could try turning it around and asking her how she'd feel if you put her in the same position. That is not love, that is control!
Next time you wish to see a friend or a family member, tell her you're going and that you love her more than anything but you also need your family and if she loves you too, she will accept this.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 Yes your wife is very wrong. If she loves you, and cares about you, she would never dream of stopping you from seeing your family and friends. Just like you always put her and your kids first, and love her - she should do the same for her. She should want to share in the relationships that matter to you, she should want her children to know their grandparents, uncles, aunts etc.
You should absolutely put your foot down with her, she cannot control your life like this and forcibly make you unhappy. If she still refuses, then go visit family and friends without her. Take your children too - they have a right to know their family, even if their mother does not agree. Tell her one last time that your family and friends mean a lot to you and you need them in your life, whether she agrees or not. Tell her that it would mean the world to you if she could support you and at least make an effort to try and get to know them. Ask her, as your wife, to try to support you and get to know them, for your marriage's sake. Tell her that you dont have to have anyone around to the house but you would love for her to come along and visit friends & family when you are invited, and that you hope once she gets to know them more she will come to value them in her life too.
Be strong - I'm sure she will kick up a fuss and try and stop you by using every means possible, but if you put your foot down and visit them without her, then she will start to realise you are serious and you are not going to let her control your life anymore.
Part of being in a relationship is sharing in each other's lives, wanting to be part of each other's lives and get to know the people who are important to your partner because what is important to them, should be important to you. If she cannot do this then she should not be in a relationship - simple as that. But dont let her hold you back anymore and stop you from caring about other people, these people have been there for you all your life and they deserve just as much attention and love as your wife does.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 November 2010):
Unless your wife has a serious reason, then she is totally wrong. And by serious reason, it would mean something like your family are abusive. If your wife is that against them, then she doesn't need to come along. But that doesn't mean you and your children can't see them. Your wife comes across as a bit too controlling, and you mustn't accept that.
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