A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was seeing this guy and didn't fancy him at all...I tried to give him a chance and all but I didn't feel it.. anyway he fancied me more than I fancied him and now I have started to keep my distance more and more from him as I don't want to go out with him and cos he is a really nice guy I didn't want to hurt his feelings at the time. So I decided to clear the air for once and for all and told him to his face that its better we don't go out but that I would like to remain friends with him. He was cool about it and said fine..and I breathed a sigh of relief however he is still acting like as if he was my bf and its bothering me. He never was my bf. We never did anything at all yet he acts like as if we did have something hence the friend blowing hot and cold with me. The problem is I want to go out with his best friend and his best friend wants to go out with me - but I want some time to pass I don't just want to take up with his friend out of respect for the guy I sort of broke up with..Anyway his friend flirted with me by mail and I wrote back normally - not flirting. He then weirdly thought I was flirting back but I really wasn't...then he wrote on the (guy I broke up with's) profile page hey how are you...so I stopped talking with the best friend altogether in case he was saying to him behind my back that I was flirting back with him but this time I actually wasn't. It was normal chat. Anyway his friend saw that I started ignoring him too and then he started to re-initiate his flirting and interest in me..I have not said to him directly that I am interested in him - I have kept that to myself...cos I know if I said anything he might say it back to this guy and I don't want him to get hurt and also I am not sure he likes me as much as I like him so I don't want to make an idiot out of myself and tell him what I am really feeling well not yet. So I am frustrated. I would like to resolve this but the friend to make the first move and not me..so for now am doing absolutely nothing...I would like to go out with his friend but I hate the fact I feel this way...and his friend wants to go out with me and he is trying to pretend like he doesn't but when I was not around he asked the other guy for my phone no but the other guy never gave it to him...and I won't offer it cos he hasn't asked me at all and he doesn't know that I know he asked him for my phone no behind my back! I want the friend but I don't want to hurt the guy I just broke up hence the time gap - ideas?
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 I think it'd be fine if he had gone to his friend outright and asked if he was okay with it but doing it behind his back is when I worry he's not a good guy. And if I understand correctly then now the friend won't get back to you about going out because he doesn't want the drama with the friend. Maybe he thought you could be a quick fling his friend wouldn't find out about and when it actually comes to having a discussion and being serious he backs away... I don't know. Seems shady.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both of you - the breakup was made official to clear the air for all concerned and I did what you advised and now the best friend is deliberately being slow to get back to me as to whether he wants to date me or not..so maybe you are right..just stay away from them both. I guess for now its just a wait and see and well yeah at least the ex said friends...so I agreed - so in a way he has now made this messed up situation easy!
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (15 November 2010):
I don't feel like you really owe any explanation to the "ex". You barely dated and he isn't your boyfriend anymore. I can understand not wanting to hurt his feelings but hell you have to date at some point and if he liked you a lot then I am sure he would get upset. His best friend however... He should feel worried. He is flirting with you and whatever else behind his friend's back, knowing his friend was so into you. I would say to find out what his friend's intentions are with you. And if he wants to date then his friend needs to have a talk with your ex about it. It's between them now. You and him are over. It can be seen as messed up to date an ex's friend but in this case it was never serious. It's not like you lived with him for years or something. So have the friend talk with his best friend, then it's up to the friend what he wants to do. I dated an ex's best friend before btw. Friends of over 10 years. The friend never told my ex about dating me, my ex just found out, and it was a big dramatic mess. They also are no longer friends (even though I have no contact with either anymore). I think it is good that you worry about his feelings but, it may sound harsh, his feelings aren't your problem anymore. If his friend would make you happy then date him! Don't miss out. But something everyone told me when I was starting to date my ex's best friend- he can't be a good guy if he would do that to his BEST friend behind his back. I didn't listen but they were right in the end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): you should talk to the guy that you dated.
if you get the green light check again cause they normally lie the first time that you ask. if again you get the green light, then talk to the best friend see how much he likes you and if it is alot then go for it. if there is then friction between you and the guy that you dated break it off with the other guy and say that you dont want to come inbetween 2 best friends. the first guy might then feel bad and see that you two really like each other and let you go out
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