A
male
age
51-59,
*Pass
writes:Dear All, My wife and I have been married for 20 years have a great family, work hard. I love my wife very much, bu I have been very depressed and want more from our sex life. When it comes to iniating sex, I am the one to do it, and when I do, I get sometime , I'm tired or is this all you want ? Yet I would love for my wife to iniate sex and really feel like I make her jucies flow , but this is not something she thinks about I guess. I love oral sex, and in the past years , I have never asked my wife to swallow or cum in her mouth, although I would love this. Last we we started to fool around , and the first thing she said was I am not sucking you wow what a turnoff . She has it in her mind that we should make love all the time and not hae any additional forplay etc. How great would it be for my wife to pull my pants off and give me a blowjob and really feel like she wanted to do it, she was into me. I'm not sure what to do here asking the folks here ? Is it wrong for me to want my wife to iniate sex, foreplay etc. this is really bothering me. I love my wife and want more adventuorous sex , and want her to feel like she is into me rather than just going thur the motioins
View related questions:
blow-job, depressed, foreplay, oral sex, sex life, swallow Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): What you want is not unusual, but some women like to do things like that and some don't. Some refuse to get their lips anywhere near a penis and others love to swallow and anything in between. Relative to oral sex, I do have a question for you. Do you give her oral sex as part of your sex? I assume from your statement about you loving oral sex that you do, but I can't tell for sure. Anyway, if you do not give her oral sex then you can't expect it yourself. If I am correct and you do it for her then you are not wrong in expecting it in return. If you do give her oral, do you bring her to orgasm? Does she orgasm in some way with sex most of the time? If not, then that might explain her lack of interest in sex.
Some women like to suck, but don't like to have cum in their mouths or to swallow. I mean, the stuff doesn't exactly taste that great. Like one of the aunts once said, "If it tasted that good then there would be cum flavored ice cream." My wife doesn't like the taste, but she just gets turned on by the expectation of swallowing and doing it. Sometimes she is just turned on, but doesn't actually want intercourse. Sometimes it is after I give her oral and sometimes it is just for no reason. I really don't know how to get a woman interested in giving oral if she doesn't like it. Of the 5 women who I have been with sexually, my wife is the only one who really seemed to like giving oral, but the rest were a long time ago. One was great at it, but it was obvious that she really didn't like swallowing. At least it seemed that way to me.
Relative to her initiating sex; I can understand what you mean. My wife has rarely initiated sex over the years, but has always enjoyed sex once I get her going. She doesn't refuse very often and is pretty adventurous, but she rarely initiates. I think hormones play a big role in that for both men and women. When men have low testosterone then they have low libido and sometimes have ED. Women have much less testosterone than men do, but it does play a role in their sex drive and ability to have an orgasm. It doesn't play as much of a role as it does in men, as women are more driven my mood and the relationship in general then men are. Men can have sex 10 minutes after an argument, but not so for women.
I know that when your partner never initiates that it can seem like she doesn't want sex with you and it can make you feel inadequate. However, if she seems to enjoy it and has orgasms then it is just possibly her own hormone levels that cause her lack of sex drive. You are in your 40s, or about 20 years younger than me. I do know that when I was young, it was not unusual for women to be told that wanting sex was wrong and dirty. If it was the same 20 years later, then it would not be surprising that your wife might not initiate. Those early teachings stick in ones mind and they tend to act that way for life. I know that is one reason that my wife slept with guys on the first date. She was always taught that good girls always did what other people wanted and never refused. I'm sure that her mother didn't have that in mind, but it took her many years to stick up for herself and say what she wanted, sexual and otherwise. Like not until she was in her 40s. To be honest, the other reason that she did it was because she liked sex.
You don't say how often the 2 of you have sex. When I was in my 30s and 40s, I could have sex 2 to 4 times a day if she would have allowed me. However, she was fine with daily and sometimes twice a day on weekends. She would often refuse, but at least we did have sex most days. Different people have different sex drives. Some men and women can have sex 4 or 5 times a day, while others are satisfied with 1 or 2 times a week, or even a month. I have seen women complain that their husbands or boyfriends don't want sex often enough, but it is most often the men who want it more.
If this lack of wanting sex is something new, then she could be starting to go into menopause and that would result in a decrease in hormones. It didn't seem to affect my wife, but I have read that many women are greatly affected and lose what sex drive they had. Is this a possibility?
Another important thing is job stress and being tired. Along with having children, does she work outside the house too. If so, that would certainly add stress and tire her out. Even if she doesn't, the stress of however many children you have and the responsibilities that brings could be a factor.
Sorry that I haven't given you any solutions, but perhaps I have given you some things to think about and to understand how she might be thinking.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (13 September 2009):
 Part of the problem is that your wife has a great deal of reservations about the kind of sex you want. It seems pretty clear that what you crave is not out of the mainstream.
I would suggest maybe this much. Sexual exploration starts with a great deal of trust, intimacy and emotional connection. If she's certain you won't judge her for her trying, then she'd probably try.
The problem here is that she's already judged your urges as "bad" even though she's never gotten into it much at all.
Passion helps and that usually comes from the things a couple will do together both outside the bedroom and in it. If you have hobbies or enjoy other things together, the more passionate you two are about that, the more passionate you'll be about other things and sex.
What really needs be done here is to try and make her feel that she won't be judged for trying to experiment sexually.
The other thing is, how affectionate are you with your wife outside the bedroom? If you're not paying a great deal of attention to her emotional needs, via the usual cuddles, hugs and kisses, she's probably just happy to get straight to business, get it over with and then move on.
But if she really let herself enjoy sex, I think she'd be hooked. Its up to each woman, and women have different libidos and desires.
Otherwise, it seems she's content with the marriage, just not very sexual at this point.
...............................
A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (13 September 2009):
 It's not wrong to want your wife to initiate sexual foreplay etc, but it is expecting TOO MUCH if you're asking her to swallow or bust in her mouth. yecch! dude, have you ever had a guy bust in your mouth? obviously not, but it's a disgusting experience. and to many women its almost degrading to have that done. if you're happy swallowing her snail juices then that's great, but respect her wishes if she prefers not to have cum in her mouth, but, maybe cum on her boobs or her back or other regions aceptable to her. Buy toys WITH her that she can help choose that she thinks is also fun and that she will gladly participate, and hey, if she's interested in reciprocating and fingering your ass, perhaps you should not be a cold prude but be willing to try different things as well. After all, is that not what you are looking for? Trying diffferent things? Now don't be selfish and only think you can do things to her, she might want to have fun on you as well. Talk about it and see what she wants to do and meet happily in the middle. Maybe make your own homemade porn? I do. Me and my husband have a ball doing it. Sorry, no sneak previews on internet. We dont do that! lol. Happy trails buddy. Any more questions you can freely message me anytime.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): you need to sit with your wife in a non~ confrontational way and tell her exactly what you expressed to us. You want to be desired and you need to feel like her heart is in it. Sometimes we women get unhappy with our bodies, sometimes stress can affect our sex drive...and our emotions can as well. So you need to see whats going on here. Also at her age there are many hormonal and emotional changes that may be a factor. Good luck
...............................
|
