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female
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anonymous
writes:My aunt just died yesterday. I'm just wondering if it's wrong for my boyfriend of 5 years to not want to go to her funeral with me? This is pretty much all new to me. I have never been to a funeral or known someone close to me that has died. I am 27 now. I just told my bf today that we may have to go to a funeral and he stated he does not want to go with me. Is this normal??? He said that I would have my parents there with me so he wouldn't have to go. Please let me know if this is right or wrong. I'm kinda hurt that he said that. I assumed that he would go with me to support me, but maybe I'm asking too much. I do live with him, he had met her quite a few times as well. Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Daddycub +, writes (19 February 2010):
well there might be a reason why he's apprehensive about funerals. It may be best to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him whats up. On the other hand, I know you you arent married but if you do decide to keep in mind what he said about your mom and dad being there and how this was a reason why he didnt need to be there. You want a man who can stand beside you and thats a reassuring thing for your parents to see as well. He needs to be there for you.
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female
reader, _Katy_Did_ +, writes (18 February 2010):
 You're not asking too much at all! He should be there for you. During times like this, you need as much support as you can get. Explain to him that it would very important to you if he went. And if he still refuses, you might have some decisions to make. It seems pretty mean not to go if you ask me. I'm so sorry about your aunt. Good luck.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 February 2010):
You're right to start second guessing. I'm sorry, but I get the feeling this guy might not be worth your time. He needs to be there for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only reason he wouldn't go, is because he don't want to go. He would go to a friends funeral or one of his family members. My family is pretty much his family as well though. He saw my family just as much as he sees his own, actually maybe even more. Maybe not so much my aunt that just passed, but he met her quite a few times within the last 5 years. If one of his family members passed, i wouldn't even hesitate to say I would go just because I would want to be there with and for him. I hate funerals too. As I said I haven't ever been to one and I have never had anyone close to me die before. He said we'll see if he goes, so I guess we will. I would do anything for him and I would assume he would do anything for me as well, but I'm starting to second guess that now.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 February 2010):
Well in that case remind him that he is your boyfriend and you need him there. Sounds to me like he's happy for the good times in a relationship, but not bothered when that bad times come around. A relationship can't work if you don't accept a degree of bad with all the good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon...it's not that he doesn't go to funerals. He actually went to one a couple years ago for a friend that wasn't even that close to him.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 February 2010):
Some people don't like going to funerals because it scares them. Some have bad memories. Some feel it's wrong to go to a funeral of a person they don't know. But I know one thing. If my girlfriend needed me to go with her, I'd go. Talk to him again and tell him that you need HIM there. If you still get him saying no, then perhaps he doesn't care about you that much at all.
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female
reader, Tarawr +, writes (18 February 2010):
 He might be like me. I just don't like going to funerals if I didn't know the person very well. It's kind of disrespectful to go to a near-strangers' funeral.
Then again, if you're asking him to go just for support reasons, he really should oblige. Boyfriends are supposed to be supportive, especially in times like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): I disagree mostly with what the other posters have said. I think maybe you should ask him why, as he may find funerals traumatic from his own personal experience. I know that having been to a good few where they were unexpected and the dead were young I probably couldn't go with my boyfriend if he asked me to as it would bring back waaaay too many memories that for me I constantly have to push to the back of my head. I HATE funerals and avoid them at all costs. If my boyfriend really wanted me to go, I probably would make an effort. Maybe if you asked him if he could go to the wake with you, that would keep both of you happy? I just think that people shouldn't be so quick to judge, maybe there is a reason he doesn't want to go. Hope this helps x
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Honey,
i know how you feel... there are people who can't stand the idea of going to a funeral or to a cemitery...
My boyfriend is one of those people, and it doesnt matter how close the person was to him, he does not attend to funerals.
So, i believe it's normal that he doesn't want to go. He can be by your side when you get back, but don't push him into doing something that he's clearly not confortable doing.
Don't feel hurt... try talking to him... i don't know the whole story, but taking by my personal experience, i believe he's not being selfish or anything. Maybe if you tell him that you need him by your side, he'll come around.
But if he doesn't want to go because of some stupid reason, it's a whole different story!
I wish you all the best and may your aunt rest in peace.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 I think the proper etiquette in these situations, for a partner, is that it is not about you.
When you partner goes through something like this, what you do, is up to them. So, as a bf, he should have let it up to you if whether you want him to join you or not.
That he puts what he wants first in a situation like this, shows that he clearly considers his own desires more important then your feelings.
Not a good sign. In a normal relationship there are moments when what you want simply should not be an issue because it is not always about what you want.
All of this is a complex way of saying that he is being a selfish asshole.
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