A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:after being together for many years,i found out that my partner had been having a sexual affair with a female work colleague of his.this occurred as i was recovering from breast cancer.previous to this i thought we were happy in our life.obviously after many years together,as for most we were in the same day to day routine of life(including the sex life) but we were happy with our lot.he has promised this will never happen again and he did end it as soon as i found out.or was it it ended as i found ot or he would have lost me for good.please,any feedback or advise on how to carry on from this would help enormously thanks,dawn
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): cheating is bad,his timing was unforgivable.in your situation i couldnt forgive.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 February 2010):
There was a man who lives in our street who's wife had cancer, and he had an affair. Asked why by someone, he simply said that he felt alone and needed support because he was working so hard supporting his wife. Now that doesn't excuse the affair, but that's probably the reason your husband had an affair. Clearly this is terrible for you, especially at a time like this. But if he is willing to work at it, and you feel you can at least try to work it out first, then it might be that you come out a lot stronger.
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A
female
reader, Tarawr  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 I wouldn't even try to make it work. He did something horrible. You could have died, and all he was worrying about was who to have sex with. It was perfectly fine for him to do it, so long as you were ignorant to the whole thing.
Don't give him another chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): The fact that your partner saw fit to cheat at a point in your life when you could not have been more vulnerable is, at best, low. I'm afraid other people may come up with the reasons(excuses) that he was emotionally spent, needed comforting, etc (dummy in his mouth) Did he think of you? Your needs? Yes of course you can go through counselling together and make him feel better about himself (he's doing his bit), to help you try and come to terms with what he has done to you, but you are right to highlight he probably only stopped it because you found out. Otherwise it would have been a silly one night stand. You have a choice. Of course you have a choice. Counselling is an option. Trying, trying to trust him again is an option. Walking away and starting again with a man who will love and respect you is an option. None of them are easy and I am sorry for my strong words but I think perhaps you only really know whether you have something to bother working so hard to restore or not. Counselling may even prove things one way or another. One thing I would say is that it might be worth you going to counselling first, on your own, to build up your own strength and gather your thoughts on all that has happened to you. You owe that to yourself. Maybe your feelings about your partner can take 2nd place for now, just like yours did with him.. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 February 2010):
I recommend reading 'Resilience' by Elizabeth Edwards. Her husband was one of the Democratic Party's US presidential candidates in this last election. She has a similar story to yours. You can find the book 2nd hand on Amazon.co.uk for less than £4 including shipping. Although she doesn't delve into the details of the affair, she talks about how she coped with the affair aftermath and her cancer too. If you want to read reviews first then go to the American amazon.com site.
With regards to your affair, its probable that during your illness, your husband invested so much emotional energy supporting you and being strong for you that he became vulnerable himself. This does not excuse his behaviour, but if he is willing to work at it then maybe counseling will help you both. All the best.
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A
female
reader, needtoknow35 +, writes (18 February 2010):
 everyone deserves a send chance but it all boils down to how long the affair has been going on ask questions that you will need to know to find out his feelings for her. bottom line is either you trust him or you dont there really is nothing to say in this situation a man is going to be a man and regardless how a woman reacts or what she thinks if thats what he wants then nothing is going to stand in his way he is going to do what he wants to do. dont give him to much attention but a night of really good sex and dont be so eager and fast to please him again right away let him know where you draw the line pull back a little that way he knows that he is walking on very thin ice and that you already have 2 ft out the door. all the while he is thinking that he dont want you giving sex like that to another man cause he already know if you do and that man falls for you then his chances are done. believe me ive done it and it works he wasnt cheating cause he was to busy following me around trying to see if i was if the sex is that good he aint going to want anyone else to have it but him! goodluck
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