A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for a solid 9 months. He is older than me. I am 18 and he is 27. HE is an illegal immigrant and he has a 1 year old daughter with his ex. I found out about his daughter and literatly unbalanced ex 2 months into the relationship. He is extremly jealous and does not Let me have Guy friends. HE only speaks Spanish primarily he does not know enough English in order for us to communicate more effectively.These are all things that flare up in our relationship constantly. I do not know if I should stay with him or not? He is kind and a gentlemen and those type are hard to find but I cannot help but thing and feel he compares me to his ex Who he still text like normal. I can't stop or ignor the fact that I will not be the one to give him his first child. I am constantly hurting and troubled about our relationship but I have stayed with him to See if We Were meant to be. IS he worth staying in a relationship in even though it is difficult to get along? Is it wrong of me to Ask him to choose to either stay with his daughter 100% or Leave her completly and just pay child support?
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Of course he's still a human being as an immigrant. Didn't mean to imply otherwise, but it's not exactly a plus point because he could be deported at any moment, he can't earn money legally, etc.
And him not learning English sort of suggests to me that he is not that sold on staying in the country, anyway. I know many, many immigrants (mostly economic migrants, some asylum seekers) who've learnt English or improved their English as soon as they can so that they can find jobs and mix with their new community.
As for you loving and caring for his daughter etc... Well it's admirable, it really is, except that you don't fully see this is a long term, viable option (from your update). If you're unsure at the moment, maybe it's better NOT to get too attached to his daughter, and let her get attached to you, because it'll be very confusing for her when/ if you leave.
You're taking on a lot here, when life can be so much simpler. Anyway, I wish you good luck.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 February 2013):
I don't think the issue with his legality is about his humanity, it's about stability. I have known a few people who have been deported and it's a life ruining nightmare for many people. They have been in this country since they were kids and don't even remember Mexico, so their situation is probably more extreme than his.
Either way when you're listing the pros and cons of dating someone that is a con.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI speak Spanish well not perfect but good enough. I have thought about it I will stay with him it is not permanent. I will see how him and me fair, since I am still young a have time to give it a shot and see if him and me can be happy together. I will lov his daughter and support him in taking care of her. Are there any other thoughts on my situation? He may be illegal but he is a human being.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
 So you are dating an older man who is illegally in this country (breaking the law)
He barely speaks English and from your post you indicate you have a hard time communicating because you do not speak Spanish, this is a big huge problem as communication is critical in any relationship.
You say that he is extremely jealous and does not let you have guy friends. Well Jealousy is NOT an emotion that is rooted in love. DO NOT mistake jealousy and possessiveness for love. IT’s all about insecurity. He’s very insecure if he is jealous. IF you have done nothing to make him feel this way, then it’s inherent in his personality and that is not a good sign.
You have been with him 9 months so when you started seeing him the baby was about 3 months old…. And yet he did NOT tell you when you started seeing him that there was a child involved. When did he END it with his ex? IN fact, if he still texts her like normal has he really ended it with her????
You wonder if you should stay (that alone means you probably should not)
Giving a man his FIRST child is not a big deal in my book…. I hate to admit it by I like my second kid much better than my first kid… (and yes do not think parents do not have favorites we do…we just don’t’ let the kids know)
There are plenty of kind, thoughtful, intelligent drama free men available for dating… do not think he’s the only kind gentleman out there…
If you are constantly hurting and troubled about the relationship it does not sound healthy or like it’s a good thing for you.
While it’s an effort to make a relationship work it’s NOT ALL THAT HARD….
You ask “is it wrong of me to ask him to choose to either stay with his daughter 100% or the time or leave her completely and just pay child support” Yeah it’s wrong. And not just what you ask but the way you THINK….
He has to support his child. Both emotionally, and physically if possible and financially is mandatory.
He has a third option… not be with the mother full time, have shared custody and see his child as often as possible and be the best non-custodial dad he can be. OR he could go for custody of her if he’s not with the mother.
Parents that are not living together still can and should properly co-parent their children. A significant other that does not support his parenting his child as best as he can is not someone who should be involved with him.
Since you asked is it worth staying in this “relationships” I will give you my opinion: I think it’s best that you end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 February 2013):
OP this is a lot of drama!
- he's an illegal immigrant
- he doesn't speak much English nor does he have much of an interest in learning (he could have learnt a lot in the 9 months you've been together)
- he didn't tell you that he had a baby until 2 months into the relationship
- he's extremely jealous and doesn't let you have male friends
- his ex is unbalanced, and she has to be in the picture to some extent because of their shared child
I just don't see any positive things here. You say he's kind and a gentleman, but so are millions of other guys who don't have all these extra layers of complication and drama.
I'd say that he's not "the one". You're so young, you should be having fun with dating, not dealing with all this.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 February 2013):
Making him choose between his daughter and you is a great way to end up single.
I don't see one reason why you should stay with him. This is a ridiculous situation and you should both be with someone who you're more compatible with.
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A
female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (12 February 2013):
Even if the man was a legal citizen, your age, and completely single...he hardly speaks English?! I'm guessing you don't effectively speak Spanish then, so what is this relationship really based ON if you can't speak in depth? I've only dated guys who spoke English as a Second Language, and unless you speak good Spanish then he needs to learn English. Spanish and English are two very similar languages so it shouldn't be too difficult. Of course I don't know either of you so I could be completely off-base, but it worries me that you aren't allowed to have any male friends. I would suggest leaving because it does not sound like he is in the right place to be in a relationship right now. He has too much unsettled business right now: His ex, his child, his citizenship, work, language-skills etc. You've only been on this Earth as a grown woman for less than a year and are saying that kind, gentleman are hard to find??? No wonder why some older men target young girls and get away with treating them ways that woman with more life/dating experience wouldn't put up with! He's 27 so he knows this isn't true. That's why he doesn't want you making male friends or? I've been there! And let me tell you: You are still young, so it's doubtful you will get married in the next couple years. If he really loves you and is a worthy man, let him improve himself AND prove himself. Until he's at a point where he doesn't have to feel jealous of other men (aka. worried that half the population is better than him) then you need to find someone else. If you decide to stay then it is wrong to make him leave his daughter, however, remember that you are noone's free baby-sitter. I wish you luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): There is no need to stay with him.
So balance out the pros and cons.
No obviously I don't know every thing but from this it seem the cons out way the pros so I would say leave him
There are other people for you so don't fret
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male
reader, Passherby +, writes (12 February 2013):
You can't talk to this guy. You have nothing in common. He's 9 years older. He is breaking the law every second of the day. He's texting his ex all the time. You want him to give up his child. How do you know she's his ex and not his always? Did he tell you so? Have you thought he may be looking for a Green Card at your expense? The whole thing stinks.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (12 February 2013):
 Wow, you are dealing with a lot in a relationship and looking at your age, I have to say so incredibly young.
I see a lot of things you are currently dealing with:
1) He is an illegal immigrant. At any moment he could be deported. The only thing would be stopping him from being sent back to his own country is marriage. Are you ready for that? There are also some legal challenges as well to get him citizenship aside from just being married.
2) Are you ready to play stepmommy and deal with his psycho ex? Ex's with children are a prize package and there is no separating the two. You will have to deal with a child who isn't yours and deal with his ex and his relationship with her. It would be unconscionable of you to tell him to forego his relationship with his daughter. That is his choice to make and his alone. Also consider, if you have a baby with him and he later abandons you and your child, how would you honestly feel? Single parenting is NOT easy.
3) Relationships are work. Some more than others. However, I have watched many people jump through hoops to save their relationship and when you look at the burdens they take on... you have to ask, "Couldn't you fall in love with someone a bit more simpler?" If you aren't getting along, it could mean that the writing is on the wall and you are failing to read it: your relationship doesn't work.
I'd urge you to really take a step back for some personal reflection. Really ask yourself if this is really worth it and if this is something you truly want. Is his the man you always dreamed of and the life that he can provide with you? Imagine things never change for the next 10 years, would your future self tell your present self to run for the hills? Imagine his ex constantly in the picture: holidays, birthdays, graduations, etc. Not everyone is cut out being a stepparent... hopefully you have the courage to take a look at what you are getting into and make the proper decision.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 I wonder where these people live. I suppose the baby is American, and you were with him right after the baby was born? It's wrong to make him leave his daughter. He is not going to pay child support because illegal immigrants don't have SSNs. There is no record to track his income. He broke the law to come here. He's not going to follow the law by surrending his identity. The baby is heavily dependent on the father too. How do you suppose his ex is going to support her all alone, when it's hard to get a job, even under the table? I know you don't get about his ex, and you wished she disappeared but the baby is innocent and deserves a good life. The baby can't even enrol into daycare unless one of the parents is American.
The only way to make him legal is to marry him but it sounds like a bad idea. Language can be picked up quickly but I think you are too young to have a man with baggage. The language barrier here also means that there are many things he didn't tell you, like what else he did besides break into the border. He needs you more than you need him.
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