A
male
age
41-50,
*rmarciano
writes:Hello.I'm 30 years old and I have a girlfriend (she's 29). We started dating about 11 months now. I already knew her but I had never talked to her until we started and felt in love and start a relationship. I love her deeply like never before (and I had 4 girlfriends and a lot of affairs) and I'm a normal guy with good sense and a smart guy (I'm a medical doctor). Never had problems with jealousy previous on other relationships and I was always against jealousy because it makes your relationship to your girlfriend bad and devious and influences you on your regular work life and family life.The problem is that my gf is a really special girl and we have a really honest relation so at the beginning she told me about her past. After 1 month dating she told me that she had a lesbian relationship for 3 years. She didn't like girls but she loved that girl in particular. This news devastated me because I could accept the fact that a awesome girl like her had to fall in love with another girl. But through time I accepted (i think) and we didnt had more problems with that but I was a hard time believe me.Later (at our 7 months together) we were talking about sexual past (I had probably 30 girls in my past) and she told me that she had 5 boys (counting boysfriends) in her past. The problem was that one of the boys was and is her best friend! (It was 4 years before me)After that day I never could forget the words that she told me and I started to ask her more and more about this sexual relationship with her best friend. She told that was only sex with no feelings because she was in a bad moment of her life and that at that time is was there supporting her (with probably no intention of having sex with her) and that one night they got drunk and had sex. And they repeated that for a total of 7 or 8 times. She told me that they were only having a good time with no love or care between then. The actual problem is that she sometimes talks and sees him like 1 time per month and that I think about everything they "probably" done all the days since that day. I wake up thinking about the reasons for these things had to happen and I curse myself for ever asked her about her sex life before me. I tried to accept and forget and think about the awesome moments that we have and I know she loves me but I dont think that she can take this "retrograde" jealosy for much more now. I sometimes dont treat her right because I "blame" and Judge her for the decision that she made in the past when I wasnt even part of her life. I now I need help so please let me now some of your thougts because I'm going crazy with this and in dispair because I'm losing the love of my life to her past. Thank you my "friends"
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affair, best friend, drunk, her past, jealous, lesbian, sex life, sexual past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, drmarciano +, writes (27 March 2013):
drmarciano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the feedback.but how can I make forget this once and for all?=(
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 I am guessing this is the first real relationship you've had and you are surprised by these jealous feelings you have. With the 30 girls you had you probably asked them about pasts too. But for this one it bothered you because you are considering long term with her, and her past carries over. It's like when you marry her you marry her past also.
For me, I will feel threatened if my partner has a best friend he was intimate with and is still in contact with. I will feel justified to ask them to cut contact. For me I can never stay friends with a man I fucked. It doesn't matter if it's a drunken night or the time was right. No one wants to think that if you two have a problem this best guy friend will be the first one she runs to.
If your relationship does not work out it's for the best. Don't beat yourself over it. You learned a lesson not to ask about a person's past in details. Doing so is just giving your mind a chance to over work. Unecessary torture. I am aware that we need to allow partners to have friends. But these two have been intimate before, so seeing each other a month is too much to take a risk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): This problem comes up all the time. You have every right to be upset about this. Reason is entirely on your side. Some people don't see it that way but they are not being fair to the person in your position. If your GF had been secretly spending time with an ex boyfriend then it would be obviously wrong. But by keeping her sexual history with this guy a secret, your GF has basically done the same wrong. She has secretly been spending time with a former romantic partner without telling you. The only difference is which part of it she kept secret. (No splitting hairs about what a "former romantic partner" is - if this guy once had his dick inside your girlfriend, um, yeah, he belongs in that category.) It is very possible that they are friends now and there will never be another sexual moment between them. Maybe that sex was ancient history. But that does not change the fact that what she did was wrong. People can become platonic friends with ex relationship partners too. It still is not okay to go sneaking around spending time together behind their new partners backs. That is the principle of the thing. When your partner is in contact or spending time with a former sex partner and/or someone they have ever dated romantically - you have the right to know. Saying "it was just sex" and "it was ancient history" and "nothing will ever go on like that again" does not excuse anything.
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