A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, at work. I struck up a friendship with an older man. We talked a lot and appreciated each other's company. Today, we kinda just took the friendship out of work. We exchanged phone numbers and tonight we spoke on the phone for a little bit. We only stopped talking because he sleeps very early (according to me) and he told me to hang up first...yes, we had a" you hang up first battle" but I am a little worried. We have about thirty years age difference. But, never run out of things to talk about. I really really want us to be friends. Just friends. So does he. But then, we're going to see a movie this week and well, I feel like I am being naive in thinking this can remain a friendship. I know he's attracted to me. Its not normal to ve friends with a much older man. I rationalize it by reminding myself that two of my closest friends are middle-aged women...i am confused. Can someone help me please?
View related questions:
at work, older man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (25 April 2012):
You are headed to a relationship w him, and the numbers dont work. The rule of thumb is 1/2 the mans age plus seven is the youngest woman he should date. (Dont ask me where this came from, but empirically it seems to always work!). With a 30 year difference, that means he must be at least 74 and therefore you 44. Most likely not the case....
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 April 2012):
 I vote for what Cindy said and also what YouWish said...
it's more than friends
if you are both single I have no issue with it but don't lie to yourselves.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): I think that you can, but it is not necessarily easy. You need to understand that men who are older will eventually age. Also, while it is nice to have a gentle man who may not have any hangups about sex, the fact of the matter is that there is some diminishing of output, both figuratively and literally. Finally, a woman can begin to think of an alternative and another man, if she is not satisfied, although if you have children with an older man, you are pretty much locked in with him. A woman may want a man who has thunderous ejaculations go into her and who is wild and sensual. For the record, this writer is 31 years older than his spouse and we are still going strong. But, I still urge you to be realistic about the possibilities and what the future may hold for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): keep things at work..dont be naive..dont go out with him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): OP he wants you and you're going on dates with him. Stop trying to fool yourself that this is friendship.
The guy acts like a lovesick teenager doing the hang up battle etc. I think it's obvious what he wants and you're going on a date with him too.
If your closest friends are middle-aged women then what do they have to say about all of this? Surely they've set you straight as to this guys intentions and the prospect of staying just friends. If not then ask them, listen to what they have to say and trust them.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 CindyCares is right - if he is attracted to you, then it cannot be 'just friends'. If he wasnt attracted to you then I would say there is no reason why you couldnt be friends, age doesnt really matter in friendship.
However in this case, where you have an older man who is attracted to a younger woman - its not going to work I'm afraid. He is going to want more, he might not make a move or express that he wants more because he knows you only want friendship - but over time it will get more and more difficult because the more time you spend together, the closer you become, the stronger his feelings will become.
You know he is attracted to you - so if you attempted to carry on with this 'friendship' you would be leading him on. Just because you want to be friends doesnt mean he can control his feelings to become 'just friends' - so if you continue this friendship you will lead him on, allowing him to think he has a chance with you and that is wrong.
I think the best thing to do is remain friends at work, but dont see him outside of work otherwise you are going to end up in a mess.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Let's put age aside for the moment and cover the universal basics.
1. Are you interested in him as more than friends? If the answer is no, and you know he's attracted and interested in you as more than friends, then it's not a simple "friendship". Avoid leading him on and set the record straight that you only want a friendship and nothing more. If you *are* attracted to him, then next question.
2. Do either of you have prior relationships? Are either of you married, engaged, or have partners? If so, then do not keep talking to him. However, if both of you are 1000% single and interested, then you can consider age.
In my opinion, you're of age and so is he. There's no power imbalance if he's not your boss. You say you met him at work...is he a co-worker? That could get messy if he is, and your livelihood should be protected.
If you are interested in him and you're both single and he's not your boss or co-worker, then there's nothing wrong with enjoying where your relationship might lead. It's a huge age gap to be sure, but it's not illegal, and as long as no one's leading the other on, it's valid!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 If he is attracted to you, then it's already NOT just a friendship ,regardless of age. If you return the attraction, it won't stay a platonic friendship for long . If you don't... ah poor guy, let him be. Do you enjoy having an older guy making a fool of himself, hovering around you and making puppy eyes at you in the remote hope that, who knows, maybe one day. That would be cruel, and I do not want to think that you are so hungry for attention. You may rationalize this saying that you just consider him him as any other friend... but you know it's not true . Platonic friends, of any age, don't play " you hang up first " games ! I bet your middle aged lady friends don't do that.
He does not want to be just friends. He may be willing to keep his crush under control and nurture it in silence,
but that's different in spirit from just wanting to be friends.
...............................
|
