A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Met this girl at school in October. She came off a bad break up with her "first love" in July and took it really hard as lots of promises were given and what not. He broke up with her. They fought alot, etc. All in all he was insecure so I think thats why he broke it off. Ever since then he was trying to get her back in August (realized he made a mistake) but she didn't go back to him. She had a "rebound fling" during this month. Then SHE was thinking about giving it another shot in September but then he was pushing her away and ignoring her. Anyways so she met me in October. We were really attracted to eachother and her and I started liking each other. All in all we became official in mid November. I found out in the beginning of December that her and her ex were reminiscing on facebook pictures like "oh I miss this" etc etc. Basically exchanging feelings. Found out about this the night it happened and called her but she was asleep. She called me back in the morning and I told her I knew what was going on and she drove in the morning to see me. She said she wanted to be with me still and asked if I wanted to break up with her. I tested her and said "I dont see us doing it another way" but I knew I wasn't going to. I was just testing her to see if she really cared about me. When I said that she started turning all red and tearing up and so I can tell she felt bad about it. Anyways, I had exams during that period so I kind of brushed it off and stayed with her. After my exams finished, I had nothing on my mind and then I realized what position I was in when I started thinking about it. I broke up with her end of December (i didnt want to cause I really like her) and she took it hard. Cried and everything and said she so regretted what she did and hates how she has a hold on the past. She was saying how she knows if she went back to him she wouldnt be happy. I told her I needed to break it off so she can deal with her issues and not have me around as a distraction. Anyways. So like 2 days after I broke up with her, she met up with her ex and said she wanted to cut off all contacts with him. He tried to tell that he wanted to work it out but she said she wanted to cut him out so she can move on and because it was affecting her potential future relationships. Anyways, so its now end of Jan and we've been talking and kind of trying to work back into it. Had sex like a week ago (her and i felt horrible after since we arent back together yet and promised each other we wouldnt do it until we did get back together). Anyways she says she wants to be with me and wants to work this out and keeps saying that we can get through this. I told her the same. We're taking it slow and at first when we were talking after the break up I was still feeling really insecure but I'm starting to feel BETTER about this whole thing. Like my feelings are growing on her and she says the same about me. We're hanging out together and doing small things like cuddling, going to the movies, talking, etc. I'm just trying to build a friendship with her before rushing back into this. I feel at this pace that things will get better in time because I have been feeling better. Her ACTIONS show that she wants to be with me which is important. But this EX is STILL on my mind alot. I asked her the other night what kind of feelings they were exchanging in that December incident and she told me she said she still loved him and stuff. She said she got caught up in the moment because they were reminiscing and acted on emotions too fast. Like I just keep thinking "what if he comes back in the picture again?", etc etc. Is this my own issue I just have to deal with? She keeps saying she wants me when I tell her its bothering me still n stuff but ya. It's getting better though. Should I just keep this pace I'm going at? I really really like this girl. I feel like my position isnt the WORST but its definitely not the BEST. I was riding on such a HIGH until I heard about that with this girl. Now after this I'm not sure if I can get there again. I also tend to get insecure if she can ever come to love me as she loved him because she said SHE REALLY REALLY did. Is it true that love can grow? I treat this girl very well and she tells me how amazing I treat her n stuff. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boombadaboom  +, writes (25 January 2010):
 love CAN grow, look on tv! couples grow in love all the time, it's based on what people really want. People will amaze you any time for the rest of your life and love will evolve and grow every time you step into it. You have a right to be worried but try not to be as much you can because she really really does like you from what I read and she'll grow more in love each day you get her to love you. Be the best guy you can be and of course she'll fall deeply for you and eventually you'll be the only guy for her left. Just play it out!
It's important to let her believe she can find real love again too, she'll never get over her first love entirely and will always love that guy but you can make it as easy as possible for her to move on and fall head over heels harder in love with YOU!
From what you wrote, I believe she will really love you if you let her and that means you should forgive her in any way about her ex unless it crosses a major line, so don't be a fool and love her so much you can feel heartbeats in your feet and most importantly trust her to give her whole self to you! Her love for her ex will never die (neither has mine) but er love for you could be immortal, y'know! why be worried about that? :D
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 January 2010):
 Her old love hasn't died yet. Her new seed is not ready yet. Seems like your justified insecurity is keeping her old flame alive. I am not saying you are doing anything wrong. You need to stay away from her until she is ready, but chances are when she sees you again she would think about her ex. She has associated you with someone who does not allow her to love her ex. All of you are moving to fast. She has the habit of bailing out when it doesn't work, start a new one, then regret it and hesitate. She is very unstable and she likes it. Saying I really really love you, but I love him too, does not mean anything. When there is no solid "I", there can be no love for "You". Love can grow, but her love is growing all over the place like a hedge rose spreading everywhere in your garden.
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A
female
reader, lostlove76  +, writes (25 January 2010):
Yes, I feel that it can grow. However, don't be her rebound (read up on this). You are headed in the right direction by taking it slowly and allowing her to get past her feelings for the ex. Not for you to be in his shadow but for you to be there for her as a friend. You also need not to push her back by constantly insisting that she may or may not have feelings for him. I am one to speak because I was a rebound and it didn't work this well for me. If she focuses her attention on you and how well you treat her the ex will be just that a ghost of the past. It takes time but to realize how you you have it you have to know how bad it really was no excuses to be made. I hope everything works for you all. I have to end by saying if we treat others as we would wish to be treated relationships would not be so difficult.
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