A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I`ve been feeling really sad lately and could use some advice. I can accept an honest answer, although I really had to get my courage up to ask this.I would like to have a boyfriend, but I`m really scared that at my age it`s too late. I`m worried that I`m past the age that men consider desirable, and furthermore it seems like everyone my age has already been snatched up. I turned 31 in May and I`m feeling old and undesirable. I worry that my past sets a precedent. It just never worked out for me to have a boyfriend... no one ever came into my life. I have loved guys before, but they didn`t reciprocate. I moved on with my life, but I never got into a serious relationship because I was never interestd in anyone who reciprocated my feeligs. I feel that if it were going to happen, that it would have happened by now, and I`m losing heart. I feel so lonely sometimes... is this just something I need to get over?Am I past the age that guys consider desirable... would I have a chance with someone my age or a couple years older? Or did I miss the boat?I just moved to a new town and feel so alone, and seeing all the couples loving and being romantic with each other makes me feel left out, like a grounded kid watching the other kids play.Thanks if you can help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, IBelieveInLove  +, writes (12 December 2010):
You are just starting at age 31. It's never too late to start a relationship. Half of all marriages end in divorce, many of them after age 31, so their "good ones" will become available.
Be friendly, be honest, don't be afraid to successful in the relationship, and expect it to happen. This isn't just positive thinking. If you go around with the negative mindset (it's too late, it won't happen, I missed the boat, all the good ones are taken,...) then you will miss out on the "good ones" you do meet by assuming they are not "good". You probably meet "good ones" everyday and don't even realize it.
Know that the "good ones" possess these same qualities. That will lead to the need for acceptancee on both your parts and the need to compromise. Not compromise on values - you can't be happy if you compromise your values. You do have to make compromises on time, on what you'll be doing, on where to eat, .......
Don't let compromising become something that requires a scorekeeper. Maybe you'll pick the restaurant more than half the time. Maybe your partner will pick the movie more than half the time. Compromise is part of life - it's part of the sharing that makes a couple work as a couple. Holidays at which parents' home? It doesn't have to be the same every year. Compromise is not a job and it's not a burden.
Want a great partner in a great relationship? Be a great partner. Be dedicated to the relationship, to the relationship as a great one, never give-up!!!!!!
Don't be nieve and believe there will not be conflicts. Conflicts are part of every intense relationship. Some of the conflicts and differences cannot be resolved (he likes hot spices and she hates them - neither is wrong.) Many conflicts that people make a big deal about are like that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Thanks for all the kind words, everyone.
I was prepared for an answer I didn't wanna hear but this advice is heartening. It's tough when you're in the real world and not a student anymore.
I never got into a relationship because the right person just never came along. People were interested in me, but for the wrong reasons and it wasn't mutual. These were guys who just wanted to settle down, and I was available. People who lived by default. My mom accuses me of being picky, but you're SHARING your life... you SHOULD be picky!!
I am in no way racist, and I despise racism, but I am not attracted to men from my own culture. My profile flag is Mexican, and I live here now but I am originally from another country (I'm foreign). I have friends from my own culture, but I'm not really attracted to guys from my own culture. I am super attracted to Hispanic guys but I don't know if a Hispanic guy would be intersted in a woman my age. I've lived in Spain and people over there settle down at a later age, but Mexico is a different culture. Amazing, but different.
The thought of settling down always scared the crap out of me. I got into TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) because I wanted to travel and see the world, and my mom was pressuring me (to marry a guy I'm not even interested in!) and the thought of being tied down was really disheartening. Now, I feel a bit torn because I'm dying to see the world but I'm beginning to want to share my life with someone.
Thanks for your advice... I am so grateful that you took the time to write to me!!
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Don't worry about your age, you are are just now hitting what should be your most attractive age. 30 - 35 is just about the sexiest most attractive age for women (so long as they take care of their body obviously).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): People meet even in their 60s and 70s so you are way out thinking you are old!
I think the main problem here is that you are ina new town and don't know people. You need to join clubs, classes, anything to make friends. If you expand your social circle it is more likely you will meet someone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): my grandpa has a girlfriend and he's in his 70s and she in her 60s.
31 is very young!
I'm 35, and newly divorced (married way too young, we were not right for each other from the start)....my friends at the time envied me cos I was married and I was only 22. But now, at 35, all my friends are happily married and settled with families of their own and I'm divorced so now I'm single. (no kids) ...I've never really been on the dating scene either since I married so young so I really have no clue what my future holds.
I think that once you get past your mid 30s, most of the guys that are available will be divorcees with kids and ex-wives i.e. baggage. That is just the reality of the situation. There guys who are still single and no baggage in that age range, but I think the odds are low thus the way to find them would not be through chance encounters but maybe through friends of friends of friends or dating services like eharmony etc
I was bummed because I fell in love with a good friend of mine, he is 4 years older than me, this was a few years ago while my marriage relationship was dying but I hadn't yet decided for sure to divorce. He was still single and was in love with me too. But I was married so I told him sorry... then a couple years later as I was filing for divorce he got married out of the blue to an ex-girlfriend. She was older than him - in her late 30s at that time - and never married and she was desperate to get married to have kids and felt her time was running out and it was now or never so she really put pressure on him. And he was in his mid-30s and felt peer pressure to be a "normal guy" with a wife and kids like all his friends, he felt abnormal cos all his friends were settled down and his parents were pressuring him to "grow up already" too...So the two of them married each other and had a kid even though they didn't really like each other much (they had broken up before, after all)....but simply because they each were afraid to be alone for longer, they each wanted to be in a marriage and have their own biological kids and felt rushed for time so they reluctantly settled for one another.
And now I'm single and he is kicking himself that he didn't wait for me. If he had waited just one more year, we would have been together. He really is filled with a lot of regret. Now he's got a wife that he doesn't like being around, and a kid that he loves but which makes him forever bound to the wife he doesn't like. And now I don't really find him all that desirable anymore because if he were to divorce her and he and I get together, he would be one of those typical guys in their late 30s or 40s who have 'baggage'.... I'm so bummed...
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A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (10 December 2010):
I know women in their 40's who are dating like no tomorrow. 31 is very young. Keep a positive attitude and go to places where more mature people meet.
31 years old and never had a serious boyfriend? That's like a dream to many men. No problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Okay, in the nicest way possible, your being ridiculous,
You are never to old to find someone!! Your 31. That's not even old.
Your sadness has warped your perspective, get put there and find the lucky guy!!
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (10 December 2010):
30 is inattractive ??
i had crush on women who are in thier fifties
while i am only 34
i am having a crush on woman who is 38 years old now
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): 31 is a wonderful age and you are at a time which is great in your life to find your partner. Many women are more desirable at this age. There are no rules or regulations regarding who can seek a partner and at what age.
Just look for men who realize this too and who aren't commitment phobic. As the other answer said, don't settle for less than someone who will love you and treat you very well.
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A
female
reader, Sookie +, writes (10 December 2010):
 I don't think your ever to old to be desirable in fact and I know I'm only 24 but 31 is still very young and it should be a prime time in your life also if you want children in america you don't face risk factors till your at least 40 that gives you 9 more years to find Mr Right settle down and start a family!! Have you ever considered finding someone a bit younger than you? I only ask because for some strange reason older men think they need younger girls but younger men seem to like the lady's a bit older but be careful if u do decide this could be a choice for you find someone who is willing to say they are looking for someone to love and not just do the dirty with a very good friend of mine is 42 and she has been with my husbands best friend who happens to be 25 but he also wants a long term relationship her age and wisdom in life is what he likes most about her just another possible option for you to consider :)Don't ever give up on yourself cause when you do anyone who might be interested in you will give up on you to, example-man:"she is very nice if she only had confidence in herself or took better care of her appearance" that's one thing I have experienced myself even though I have been with my husband 11 years today when you stop caring or start "giving up" you let yourself go there is one thing I think attracts men the most and that's confidence walk with your head held high like your someone important because you are!! Just don't act better than any one else there's a huge difference between cocky and arrogant and just knowing that you have something to offer and being proud of that!! Good luck =)
Sookie
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): 31 years old?? Lady, you're in your Prime. The thirties are the sexiest time of life. Put on some strappy sandals and a flirty dresa and get out there! Look yiur best, feel confident; it will show and guys will take notice. Act friendly and be open to opportunity... lots of guys lose there nerve in front of unsmiling women they assume to be snobs or out of their league. Prove initial assumptions wrong by making certain they notice your true colors.
-Tante Vic
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A
female
reader, loveistheanswer +, writes (10 December 2010):
 You're never too old at any age to have a boyfriend in your own age range... I think the only thing keeping you back is lack of self-esteem and initiative to find your mate. You need to aggressively seek him out, with confidence and determination. The perfect person never just falls in your lap, that only happens to a lucky few, and those people are not necessarily very hot or attractive either. You could be the most beautiful woman on earth and be hit on by a million guys, and all of them may be just looking for one thing from you, sex... remember that not even looks are a guarantee of findiing a loving match... physical looks creates lust, not lasting love... compatible values is what creates lasting love, mutual respect trust etc... GO FIND HIM.. its' never too late, especially this day and age
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Absolutely not! You're not too old nor are you past the age of desirability. You're YOUNG! There are 50+ year olds successful in the datin scene! Yes...the pool of men gets slightly smaller around your age but there are A LOT of single men around that age as well!
If anything, you'd be more likely to meet someone now...around the age of 30 a lot of men are deciding to settle down...women sometimes feel that way earlier but that's not the point.
I have complete faith that you can still meet someone. You just need to put yourself out there and don't settle for anyone either. You still deserve a great guy that'll treat you right!
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