A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My family is going on a vacation. They rented out a nice cabin. They asked my boyfriend if he was interested in possibly coming with. The only catch is they didn't have room in the car for him so he's probably have to drive himself there but they'd pay for the room. Originally, he asked if I'd be willing to split gas money with him. I said yes, but now I'm not so sure I'll have money to help him drive. He was upset. The vacation isn't for 5 months. I don't have a steady job, I'm a student, and I live in the cities so I have high rent to pay. I tried to explain this to him and he said it was "disgusting that I expect everyone to pay for things for me" But the thing is I pay for myself a lot, I pay for my own living exepnses, pay for his meals regularly, and I also bought him a birthday gift which was really expensive for me. He does pay for the majority of things, but I feel like this is to be expected as he lives in a cheaper place, at a less expensive school, and has a steady job but its not by much. Not only this but he questioned whether i had a "mental disorder" I got upset and said he a dick. I asked him if it was wrong and "mentally disabled" of me for giving him a heads up on not being able to fund his side of the trip. He said "no but everything else does you retarded b***"Anyways, I'm thinking about ending my two year relationship with him over this. I thought it was so weird and selfish. I want to know if this is a reasonable decision... I just felt this was such a high school comment and can't get over it. This has been happening more than usual too
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): He went a bit far with his comments but to be fair you should not have given false hope by saying you'd pay for half of the gas and then backing out later. So I'm not really on either of your sides.
A
female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 I don't agree with the anonymous male saying that it isn't fair for her to complain because he shouldn't have to spend all his money on her. They asked him if he wanted to go with them, he didn't have to say yes in the first place if he knew he wouldn't be able to afford it. Why should she have to pay half his gas for him to get there when he's having a free vacation? Why is he even asking her to do that? If he earns his own money why are you saying she should be fine with paying for half? If you are going down the route that people should have to pay for themselves then surely he should also do the same and not ask her for money. He can't have it both ways can he. She's already said that she pays for things, even though she hasn't got much. Some women, and men, expect a free ride for everything. She has said she pays for things.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 March 2015):
Eww! What a jerk!!
Umm your parents are already going to pay for him to stay and he's crying over gas money. Besides that, calling you names to insult your intelligence. What a douche bag! I'm guessing you wouldn't want him to go on this trip now anyway and if your parents knew he was saying this stuff to you, I'm sure he would not be welcome on the trip anymore.
Has he spoken to you like this in the past? It would be hard to believe this is the first time in 2-years. If this was the first time, maybe something is going on with him that you don't know about. BUT if it's not, you definitely need to move on without him. He'll never change.
If he has such a problem with paying the majority of the time he should have talked to you...like an adult. What he said to you was really mean. While I agree he shouldn't necessarily be expected to pay the majority of the time (unless he wanted to), I think if he was invited and the cabin is being paid for by your parents, I think it's reasonable for him to pay for his own gas. Why would you split it with him when you can get a free ride if he doesn't go? I'm guessing your parents will probably be paying for food etc. Gas is probably minimal compared to the rest of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): I don't agree with a notion that its not fare because he makes more he should spend more. This is actually VERY fare . How can OP spend the same amount as him when she makes less money and he r expenses are more than his. I don't think she needs to go totally free everywhere but she does contributes what she can. The fact that he doesn't want to pay for gas is just silly. Your parents pay for his room. And he can't pay for gas. He would pay for it anyway, whether you are in a car or not. But the worst of ourse is name calling. I would deffinitely drop him without hesitating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): "But the thing is I pay for myself a lot, I pay for my own living exepnses, pay for his meals regularly, and I also bought him a birthday gift which was really expensive for me.He does pay for the majority of things, but I feel like this is to be expected as he lives in a cheaper place, at a less expensive school, and has a steady job but its not by much."You go from defending yourself to begrudgingly admitting what he does for you. Do you not think that even though he is in a cheaper place with a less expensive school compared to your city life, that maybe he doesn't want to have to pay for the majority of things? And MAYBE, after doing it for so long, you saying, with 5months warning, that you can't fund his half of the petrol, might just have been the straw that broke the camels back? Your parents may have bought the cabin and what not but your boyfriend didn't have to say yes, and probably only did because you said you'd help with petrol. If you already knew you had an "unsteady job" etc you shouldn't have said yes to go halves on petrol with money you don't have. And now your boyfriend is probably embarrassed because a place has been paid for him in a fancy cabin with YOUR family that he feels he needs to impress for you and he can't even afford to get there because you've pulled out.Do you not think that maybe his recent change in behaviour that has gradually gotten worse, could be due to, at first he was fine with paying for the majority of things, but now would like to possibly save some of it instead of spending it on you?You say you have an unsteady job yet pay for everything, how? Do you save? Couldn't you use some of what you've saved to give to your boyfriend to fund his half of the petrol?If you call the relationship quits, I hope you learn from it, that just because someone may have more money than you, you shouldn't expect anything from them or take them for granted. They're with you because they love you and anything else is a bonus. If you ask for help and they give it, be grateful, don't be expectant. If you've bought his meals, great, but if he's bought most of everything else, be more thankful and understanding. Don't think "well you have 5months" is good enough, as if you expect him to save his money. When people are upset they say mean things, everyone does and regrets it. Your boyfriend nastily suggested you have a mental disorder because it seems you can't see that you're taking more than giving and see no wrong with that. Unless you both have a sit down and seriously think about where this relationship is headed if you want to stay together, I reckon it will end, either with you saying it, or him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2015):
 Going PURELY by what he called you, I'd dump him.
Whether he or you should be paying more for whatever is irrelevant. HIM thinking it's OK to call you a retarded bitch, is not.
If he has NEVER told you before that he feels like you are not pulling your weight financially, then calling you names isn't going to change a thing.
The name calling? Not OK in my book. Ever.
However, I DO think it's ONLY fair that you share 50% cost of the gas driving to the cabin IF you were driving with your BF. AND HAVING 5 MONTHS TO FIND THE MONEY, SHOULDN'T BE that HARD. That would mean CUT the eating out and other things you REALLY do not need, and putting aside some money for the gas expenses. YOUR only expense would be the 50% gas as your parents are ALREADY footing the bill for the cabin and food.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 My last 2 relationships ended after my exes saw my parents for the first time. Isn't that a curse? I think the in law relationships are tests for the reality of whether you would work out as a couple.
I think he has a built up resentment over you being the sheltered one and as a female you could lean on other people. He also feels he may not be the one for you because you having the expensive lifestyle would probably look for a rich guy to fund it. When he made disparaging remarks it is to bring you down. While some men are modest and are proud that girlfriends are doing well and being successful there are others who turn abusive in order to bring the power back.
I don't think your reasoning is flawed, about how he lives in a cheaper place and may have money saved up so he could pay gas for the trip.
The frustration is not being able to do afford a trip himself. I am surprised it's that much. He thinks he would be a failure if he appears to your parents that he doesn't have much money. As much as he needs the vacation to be free he also hates that he's using your parents' money. He turned his aggression outwards but too much damage had been done. There would be many more "bad days" to come. As you think about living situations everything would be about money so you would be having arguments basically every day.
I think if you end it, you would enjoy your vacation more. The lingering decision would leave you distracted and worried.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 March 2015):
 you mentioned that you often pay for his meals. That is nice of you. But why don't you just pay for your meal and he pay for his?
As far as transport - were your parents going to take you in their car? But they could not fit him in their car as well? Was that why he'd need to drive his car?
And since your parents were renting the cabin i guess that means that he would get to stay in the cabin for free?
Does that mean he'd also get his meals free during the vacation or would he be a gentleman and put in some money to cover his meal costs?
If all he had to pay was the gas then it must be an exceedingly long trip to get to the cabin - based on all he's unhappy about
I think he sounds like the one taking advantage, not you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): Ending a two year relationship over this?
Hmmmm.
You seem quick to jump the gun.
Does he do stuff like this all the time? Say stuff like this to you all the time?
Maybe he was having a bad day. Maybe there were other motivations behind his poor behaviour. He may have taken a bad day out on you. We do that to our loved ones sometimes.
I don't think you should give him his walking papers over this.
Sometimes we act meaner to the ones we love but we don't really mean it. We are just too close to each other and sometimes take the other for granted or are too comfortable. It does not mean we love them any less.
So, before ending it, I would give him another chance. Talk to him. Explain that he hurt your feelings. Give him a chance to make it right. It is very possible he feels very bad for how he treated you. But do so after you have both cooled off. I am sure you will both say I am sorry to each other.
My BF and I have arguments. I don't decide to leave him after every single one of them. A relationship takes work, understanding, communication. Talk it out. If you care for each other deep down, isn't it worth it? And remember he is only human. And so are you. You are both allowed to make mistakes.
But on the other side of the coin, if the behaviour continues or escalates I would consider ending the relationship. But you will know if or when to do so without asking the advice of others. The fact you are asking is telling me you are unsure of your decision. And if you are unsure, think it through. I think deep down you don't want to break it off. Your feelings are just hurt. And I understand that as he did not behave very nicely.
I would talk to him and bring it all out in the open once you have both cooled down after a couple of days. I am sure it will be fine. And once you have COMMUNICATED, then you will have better clarity about the situation.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 March 2015):
He will only get worse. The mean spirted words will be unleashed more often as time goes by.
When he is really under pressure he will become abusive more than you can imagine.
He is not worthy of your consideration.
Fighting over money is horrible. It does not auger well for a happy future.
I once suffered two only dates with a jerk like this. He lived locally, not far from my home. First date to see a movie. Other date to a local event for teens run by the local Church.
On the evening of the third date he presented me with his estimation of how much it had cost him for gas, for the two previous dates, plus the expected cost for that night, based on the mileage he apparently recorded per every journey.
Based on what he had spent on gas he wanted to know why I had not yet agreed to have sex with him.
I took off my jacket (it was a cold evening) and he asked me why. I told him, ''because you are leaving now and I am staying home''. He had a few choice words for me. And I said goodbye to him, never to see him again.
You need to listen to that inner voice. You have that inner voice. It's about inner respect for yourself.
When he started using the words he used to speak to you he was demonstrating a very nasty manipulative potential bully who is used to getting his own way by intimidating, belittling and bullying other people.
You really don't deserve such a boyfriend. No real friend would ever call you names like that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 I see it more or less like Chigirl .
Calling you a " retarded b...h " is vulgar, aggressive, abusive and just plain unacceptable, OK people fight and in the heat of the moment they can't always mind their manners and stick to " I am sorry darling but I don't see eye to eye with you... ", something more colourful may come out. But , a retarded b...h ?! To his girlfriend ?? That's a guy who needs to have an EX girlfriend , pronto.
For the rest, though, I tend to side with the guy, at least I understand why he got mad : because you act totally entitled. First, if you invited in your cabin, - you INVITED him, no strings attached. It's not that he MUST pay you back something for the invitation by paying your fare.
Second, the trip is 5 months from now , same time both for you and him. You don't have the money ? well, start saving up, in 5 months you can go without something and save the money, rather than slapping your expenses on him.
Finally, what kind of reasoning is this , that he pays for mostly everything but that's because he lives in a cheaper place, goes to a cheaper school, has got a better job.... Then, you can do like him !- get yourself a cheaper accomodation, change to a cheaper school, get yourself a job etc.etc., so you will be independent and you won't have to hit your bfs for money.
If you mean that it would have been nicer of him if he had chosen to offer , to be more generous, - maybe. Perhaps yes, considering that he was getting a free vacation and all. Then again, since you say yourself that he is not your typical moocher and pays often for the MAJORITY of things- he should be fired anyway from his position of bf , because that's NOT the way he should treat women,.... but I can't say he's wrong on principle.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 I don't think his remarks were good at all, to speak to anyone in such a manner, name calling etc, well it is a deal breaker. It makes a relationship impossible.
That being said, I do think you are in the wrong for expecting him to pay your way:
"He does pay for the majority of things, but I feel like this is to be expected as he lives in a cheaper place, at a less expensive school, and has a steady job but its not by much."
It's NOT something you're entitled to get from him, just because he has a steady job and makes a tiny bit more than you, even if he lives cheap and have less costs. YOU CHOSE to move to an expensive area and have a high cost life style. So sorry, but that's a rotten attitude if you expect him to pay for your decisions. If you can't afford to live where you live, and go to that costly school, then you should move and find a cheaper place. Because honey, it is NOT your boyfriends job to pay for it. And you're showing a terrible attitude by expecting this from him. I would never enter a relationship with someone with such an attitude, so I understand why he is upset. You're taking advantage of him.
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A
female
reader, LJCX +, writes (7 March 2015):
My ex always said things like that when we argued, amongst many other things. He used to call my mother slow and retarded all the time too. Whenever we got into an argument he would say I was mental and stupid as if to say well I'm right and your wrong, he always felt superior to me. When I was with him I just accepted it most of the time because he did a good job at denting my self esteem but now we aren't together I realise how disgusting it was to ever use words like that to anybody. Put it this way what would a guy do if he said things like to them, he'd probably punch him in the face. If he's starting to say things like that just dump him. Everybody has arguments but calling your girlfriend a retard with a mental disorder is just not on. Besides that does he realise how much of a hypocrite he is when your parents are basically giving him a free vacation.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (7 March 2015):
He is way too childish, and i would suggest you do not waste time with him. Any respectful adult would politely refuse the offer if he was incapable of funding himself. Nothing wrong with accepting your parents offer, but unless he is really in a fix, i don't see any reason for him to ask you to pay for the gas. I mean, that's the least he could do. Over that, throwing a tantrum just shows gow immature he is. He is probably just pushing his insecurities over you with the tantrums. Don't succumb to those. Make the right choice for yourself. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): He's a dickhead and a manipulator. And a hypocrite, because he's accusing you of having a funded lifestyle whilst he expects to get a pretty much free holiday apart from the cost of 50% of gas. What an immature idiot, and a dangerous one at that. Anyone who tries to tell you that you have a mental disorder just because you won't give in to their unreasonable expectations and demands just has to be dropped. Get him out of your life. Your family are being kind to him and he is totally overstepping the mark, in every way, and some. Get rid of him and never look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): He is showing his immaturity andclack of respect towards you.
I would not trust him to behave on a holiday with your family. Your parents have kindly welcomed him to join them and he resorts to spiteful name calling because he can't have his own way with travel expenses.
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