A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm in my mid 20s and would love some advice,. I have a male friend that I am back in touch with from years back. We've always had feelings for each other, but he said he doesn't want a relationship while he is fighting his depression and anxiety which is sensible. But my feelings are growing and I'm trying my best to take things at his pace, of course we hug and talk every day but we are going to a party soon together and asked him if he would let me kiss him. But he just isn't comfortable he has always been very shy and I just want to know if you have any tips on how I can help him relax a little and be able to develop a closer friendship (not sex).
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 I agree with the others. It's a conflict of interest to use his mental condition to try and get with him. You cannot be his therapist. If you truly care for him, you will step back and let him get healthy in the right way.
A
female
reader, CattyCat +, writes (7 March 2015):
 Your applying pressure without realising it. You've made your needs clear to him already. You want more. But he has made it clear to you, that he isn't ready yet. The best thing to do, is to just be there as a friend. Buy him some essential oil lavender, if he's not allergic, tell him to put about 10 drops in with his comforter in the washing machine and it'll add a soothing smell to all his clothes. Relaxing his senses. Introduce scented candles. Do everything at a slower pace. Ask him things, get to know him more. Find out why he's depressed and anxious, but do so at his pace. If you can see it makes him uncomfortable when you reach a certain point in the conversation, take control, tell him "look I can see you're getting upset, I don't want you to do anything you don't feel comfortable with so we can stop now, is that what you'd like?" And hand the control back over to him. In anxious/stressful situations, a person's mind is all over the place, if you give that olive branch of clarity, it eases things and get's them back on the way to calm. This will all take time, so unless you have a lot of patience and care, I suggest you ask yourself whether or not you're ready to commit to this guy. Because it will take time and if you rush things, you may actually worsen his condition from the emotional trauma.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): What you are doing is unethical and unfair. The guy is vulnerable due to his condition. And he has made it perfectly clear to you that he is not interested in a relationship. You are behaving predatorily, trying to get what you want from a situation in which the two parties involved are not equal.
I'd strongly suggest you question your motives and your tendencies. For your feelings to be "growing" whilst someone else is in a lot of distress due to a mental health condition is totally out of order. Get your kicks from someone who actually wants to have a relationship with you, not someone that you feel inwardly and unconsciously superior to because you sense they're vulnerable. If it was a guy writing your post about a woman, the situation I describe would seem far clearer and people would be telling the guy to stop being so selfish. Just because you're female, doesn't excuse what you're doing.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 You are not listening to him, he said he doesn't want a relationship while he is fighting his depression and anxiety.
So you need to hear what he said, which was that he doesn't want a relationship while he is fighting his depression and anxiety.
He is not comfortable with your growing feelings because he doesn't want a relationship, you are pushing him into a corner because even though he told you he doesn't want a relationship YOU do!
Stop ignoring his wishes!
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