A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing this guy who is in the process of getting a divorce about 2 months ago. His divorce will be finalized in about a month. He told me on our fourth date that he had been married for 7 years and for the last 2 years things had gone sour so they decided to divorce and even though they do not talk anymore there are no hard feelings that they just were not the right match. He also told me that he is not ready for a relationship right now and that he does not know when he is going to be ready but that he really likes me and wants me to stay in his life. I told him I cannot do friends with benefits and the only way I can continue to see him is if our relationship is going somewhere. He said that we can see each other but he can't guarantee me it will end up in a relationship and he might not be ready for one for months. So we decided to date until we see where things go. Last weekend we slept with each other and it was really good. He has been contacting me more often over the past month and he calls as well as texts daily. I feel like he really likes me but that he is confused and maybe since he feels like he is "free" now after being married for 7 years he does not want to get tied down again so fast. It's confusing... The thing is I have never dated a divorced man before and I do not want to get hurt because I am starting to like him. Is it safe to go ahead dating him even though he said he is not ready for a relationship right now? Should I wait a while until after his divorce is finalized to see if he gets more serious with me? Or should I leave now because I am risking being a rebound?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to each one of you for your input. I think all of your answers were very helpful and all offered the same advice in different ways that I needed to hear. Thank you for opening up my eyes it is just hard to make the decision to break away because we have such a great time together and I really enjoy spending time with him, but I am an emotional person and I know that the longer I stay in this I am only asking for my heart to get broken. I will go ahead and end this as hard as it is because I already see that I am getting upset and emotional about it and starting to really fall for him. Thank you Aunts!!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 March 2015):
 Safe ? It depends .
If you can just stay in the here and now and enjoy what he has promised you ( dating with no expectations and no committment ), then it's safe.
If you feel you are going to be hurt / frustrated / impatient / angry /etc. while you try to extract from him a committment and a seriousness that he is not willing and not ready to give you, then it's not safe at all, because these bad feelings are most likely to show up ,.
So, if that is what you do not want, you should not even get started.
He told you. He does not want to do "serious " right now, he is not planning to do it, and he has no idea if and when he'll be ready.
Hardly surprising for a man going right now through a divorce. The end of a 7 years marriage takes some time to digest and process per se, even if there are no hard feelings, or lingering love feelings, involved. And it is also conceivable that after having been a husband for 7 years, now he just wants to have some fun, enjoy his new found singletude, get sex and companionship - if he can- but without plunging into the pressures and obligations of a new formal relationship.
In conclusion- he wants to do CASUAL. He told you, and you'd better believe him, since it's quite believable in his situation.
Now, are things never going to change ? can't they become more settled and official? Could he not fall in love with you and volunteer to give you more than just FWB ?
Sure. Why not. Who can predict the future -
but it's a gamble, and the risk would be all on you, since he warned you how it's going to be.
He might change his mind, or ,also, he might very well not.
Therefore, if you are serious in not wanting to be involved in some futurless adventure , or in anything jist temporary and recreational- unluckily I don't see how you can do other than just pass up this opportunity.
I feel like I am stating the obvious but....if what you really want is a relationship- then it's never " safe " taking up with a guy, who , for whatever reasons of his,
excludes wanting or needing one.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 March 2015):
 The odds are you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. Listen to the man..if he tells you that he isn't ready for a relationship..believe him. Men usually say what they mean (unless they are lying/chating)and are quite direct about it. He's being upfront with you. Being separated and going through a divorce is a very hard time for most people and their heads are not screwed on right. They are confused and lonely and will often turn to someone SHORT TERM (aka rebound).
Save yourself heartache..he's not the one for you right now, or maybe ever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): You already know what's up. He said that right now he is not ready for a serious relationship. And then you said that that is what you want. And he heard you, and he replied that he enjoys spending time with you and he wants to keep hanging with you but he cannot guarantee a commitment to you. Because he does not want a relationship at the moment.
So he calls you, spends time with you, has sex with you but he is not your boyfriend. Because he does not want to be committed to anyone at the moment. So don't expect him to check in with you at night. Don't expect invites over to mom and dad's for Thanksgiving. Don't expect fidelity. Don't expect all the fun, romantic perks of being with a guy who wants to be committed to you. This means that he will be probably be keeping his options open, he will probably be dating and sleeping with other women, he's probably still in love with his ex wife and he does not feel obligated to you or responsible for you. Because he does not want to be committed to any one person.
Is it 'safe' to keep dating him? Well what do you mean by 'safe'? Like will you get hurt? You already know that you might get hurt if you keep ignoring the message he is telling you and hoping that he will change his mind. Because he does not want a commitment and he told you bluntly and clearly.
Just accept it. If you like him and you have fun with him just keep being his friend. If you are lonely too, then sure hook up with him. But stop deluding yourself. He does not want a relationship. Period.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 March 2015):
Dear OP,
No, it's not safe at all. It's setting you up for a big heartbreak, if you ask me.
Do you know the word "rebound"? You are his rebound relationship. He's going out of a divorce, which is awful and will take months or even years to heal, even if the relationship was bad in the end.
He feels lost and lonely, and of course he is grateful for having some company and the confirmation that he is still an attractive man. BUT this is nowhere close to being able to love again, or having a relationship again.
When a man says that he's not ready for a relationship, than there's no double meaning and you should take it seriously. He won't change his mind anytime soon.
My advice is to put at least some brakes on this, but it would be best if you stopped dating. If not, you'll fall in love (even more) and end up crying.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2015):
 I think you should REALLY listen to him.
IF YOU want a relationship and not just something casual... HE ISN'T for you.
And in my opinion, NEVER date a "separated" person. They SHOULD use the separation to work through whatever issues they had and that caused the divorce, NOT LOOK for the next new thing.
I'd sat this guy needs a good 6-12 months before he should be dating again (and THAT is after the INK is dry).
YOU are a rebound, I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2015):
 if you want more than a casual relationship with a man he is not your man.
it's highly likely you are his transitional person. He will be happy to be with you and have company with you but he may never see you as something serious.
Life is about risks however... if you are not willing to risk this potentially ending (as all relationships can end) because he was honest with you that this is casual, I suggest you end it if you can now because later on when you are in love and want marriage and maybe children and he's not ready for that or does not want that you will be hurt and angry and it won't be his fault because he told you up front that he does not want anything serious.
Listen to his words in this case.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (26 March 2015):
 If he says he's not ready then you should listen to him and stop seeing him.
It takes time to get over the breakdown of a marriage. Some people get over it quickly, while others take years or may never get over it.
What he needs is time and space to work through his feelings and learn to be independent again to re-establish himself as a single person. At some point he will probably be ready to have another relationship, but that time has not arrived yet.
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