A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would really like some opinions about my situation and I'm not sure if I'm being an idiot staying with my boyfriend or if I should leave him.I've been with him for three years and from the second date he started talking about a female friend quite a lot. I ended up finding out it was an ex but they split up ten years before I ever met him. I told him it was starting to make me feel uncomfortable and one day we had a massive argument because while we were out together he was sat there texting her and not taking any notice of what I was saying.I told him that he needed to stop talking to her but he told me that I can't force him to cut somebody out of his life. That she was just a friend from a long time ago and there's no reason I should be in a mood about it.I'm in two minds about all of this, while I don't want to force somebody to cut a friend out of their life I just can't help feeling bad about it.But last weekend he got stupidly drunk and he sat there saying things he has no recollection of. When we have a drink we get the laptop out and search for all kinds of things. I love reading autobiographies and love quotes made by famous people so he asked me what my favourite quote was, I told him but then he looked for some quote that was his favourite to show me. It says 'She's the kind of girl you meet when you are young and mess up thinking you have too much living to do but then later on you realise she's perfect'It's quite obviously not about me, he's 8 years older than me and not what would be thought of as young in the way that quote means. When he has a drink he has verbal diarrhoea and is so honest that sometimes it's a bit rude but the fact that he is actually showing me this quote knowing it's nothing to do with me makes me upset.I came to terms with him being a friend of hers, although it took me a while to be fine with it, that was because he kept banging on that he had absolutely no romantic feelings for her but now this quote suggests differently.I'm also a bit put off by the fact that this quote is the kind of thing he looks for at his age, I don't know it's something I feel a teenager would like looking for on the net. He's a really interesting and funny person but when he drinks he's totally different.I'm sat here wondering is it ok to carry on a relationship knowing you aren't the person your partner feels was his perfect match? He's good to me in lots of ways and I do feel loved but if I left I could end up with somebody who treats me in an all round bad way.Is this something you could deal with or should I move on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2016): If you are the anonymous OP, one and only ne thing in your follow up,indicates the outcome to me.
In my experience,an ex was like that-it was ok for him to go and meet with his feale friends, but I could not come along. Why? What has he got to hide? Me?
Also,he was unhappy if I had male friends...
I agree with one of the other aunts-you should never try and control who he can/can't be friends with.But if he doesn't want to introduce you to his friends...as his gf... or spend time with you and his friends, there is only one way this is going...and it ain't pretty.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2016): I feel it's best to protect your feelings when you can't see the changes you want and need from a person you've given your all to. We have a certain right to expect reciprocation of our strongest feelings for someone. All aside from insecurity; if you just don't feel an equal amount of devotion; you don't invest anymore feelings. It has to be that cut and dry.
A deal-breaker for me, is feeling that someone I love now, can't move on from someone in their past. I feel I'm pouring my feelings into a bucket full of water, and just having them diluted by the memories and feelings for the another person. I just won't stand for such a thing.
I want back what I give, without hesitation, without doubt, and I mean 100%. Otherwise, I'd weight how much it would hurt to leave against how much it hurts to stay. That's how I'd make the decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2016): Short answer: you should move on.
Long answer: the disrespect he has shown you regarding your feelings about the situation will cause you resentment. This is no way for a man to treat his GF and I would not tolerate his texting a woman whom he seems stuck up on. I mean 10 years and he still talks of her all the time? It's very odd to say the least. He has built some sort of fantasy in his head to which, unfortunately, the reality (you) won't match. This is not to say you aren't as good or better than this woman, just that in his head he has an idealized situation. You would seriously expect better taste, respect and sense in your partner of 3 years than him constantly bringing up a ghost of Christmas past. You deserve better.
Good luck, and yes, again, move on.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (22 March 2016):
Yep that quote is too odd given the other circumstances you have described. Texting her while you are out together? What's her story? She with someone else and happy? Have you met her? Sounds to me like you are in her shadow and I wouldn't be happy either. Not very positive I know! Sorry about that but its how it strikes me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Some people just can't be happy with the present and always romanticize the one who got away. Maybe it's not a particular woman, or you it's just people cherish things that are hard to get. It's like people who are in school wish they are in holidays. When they go on holidays they miss school again. No matter what they just can't be happy with NOW. Sometimes you idealize people because they are out of reach, and you don't get the time to see their flaws when you get used to each other. I would sometimes get frustrated with someone like that but not enough as a deal breaker. People need an escape from day to day life. It could be a day spa, a photo album, a sports game. In his case, it's an ex that he has no romantic feelings with.
You do have to draw a boundary though. When he's with you, you expect him to pay you full attention. Texting someone else, doesn't matter who that is, while you are talking to him is disrespectful. You DO want to feel more important than his "just a friend."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2016): I think it worries me so much because I was in a very long relationship when I was younger and I didn't have to think about things like this as he didn't have an ex to be friends with. So it's all new and strange.
I split up with him 5 years ago and although we are nice to each other I don't really feel like being friends with a man who knows me inside and out like that and knows my bad sides and good. Probably did things to each other that make me cringe looking back on it.
I have chatted to her and actually we were FB friends for some time. She makes jewellery, really pretty things and my boyfriend bought me a bracelet so I sent her a message saying how I loved it and we became friends on there.
But then her brother tried adding me as a friend, my boyfriend thought it would be ok to then go and take her for a drink and I said well why can't I go too but he said it would be weird. So if I couldn't tag along because it was weird I don't really understand why it wouldn't be weird for him. I then noticed some posts she made on FB and she was a little bit mean and made a group posting photos of fat people commenting how ugly they were. I found that really bizarre and I'm not overly fussed on her.
My boyfriend also told me she slept with his brother in law behind his back and that she cheated a lot. So he likes a lady who is a little bit mean and has no problem jumping in to bed with people. The fact that my boyfriend told me this is giving me conflicting messages as he has said bad things about her. You never know he could be fibbing about things as it's just his side of the story but there wouldn't be any reason to lie.
Besides this I find it really weird I know so much about a woman who he ended things with a decade ago, surely she's on his mind way more than she should be.
I think you can tell when a person has strong feelings for somebody else and although they would never get back together, mostly for the fact she slept with his brother in law and his sister would go mad, I don't know if I should stay with a person who probably thinks she was the one. He does treat me well but am I just selling myself short accepting that.
He's also having a bit of a mid life crisis, I look really young and still get asked for I.D, I have lots more energy than him and he comments on it. I keep telling him he isn't old at all and looks great but never listens. He talks about the past like it was the best time of his life, I'm not sure what I can do about that as I can't turn back time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 I get what he is saying, that you CAN NOT control who he is friends with. And that he SHOULD be able to have a friend who is both an ex and female without it being anything more than platonic, after all it's been over 10!! years since they ended things.
However, I don't believe people say and do totally random things when tipsy. Maybe in a drunken stupor, but no while in a state of drunken buzz - if he can TYPE in a quote.. he can't be THAT drunk.
Also this guy has a past, he is 8 years older than you, so it IS inevitable that he has loved others before you.
I have to say if his feeling for her were as strong as the quote suggest.. then WHY have they stayed broken up?
She MIGHT be his first love. Some people get a little sappy over that.
My husband is FB-"friends" with HIS first love. His HS sweetheart and I'm perfectly fine with it. She seems like a nice lady, she has a great family and she is never trying to reminisces of the past, she is pretty proper online to be frank. When my husband had a heart-attack I texted her to let her know and we still (3 years later) text occasionally - actually she and I text more than her and my husband.
With that said, he has never sat in front of me and either talked or texted HER (or anyone else) while in a conversation.
My thing with your story is that it feel like you really are NOT OK with his friendship with that chick. And there is nothing wrong in that. My question is to you, is have you met her in the 3 years you have been dating? If not... why not? Maybe if you get to met her you will feel less threatened by her.
It's been 3 years and this has only come to light now? After some lame internet "quote"? Think about it... what else is going on to upset you?
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A
female
reader, Kate1967 +, writes (22 March 2016):
He is way out of line and acting like a complete jerk.
Please dump him and save your self esteem. You deserve better. You do not deserve to be treated like a second hand citizen. The writing is on the wall here. He wants her, not you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 March 2016):
 I could probably handle things if I knew that person was in the past and was not in the present, but the fact that he is still in contact with her would be a deal breaker for me. Why live in someone's shadow??
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