A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear readers, Thanks for taking your time to read this. I've been in a loving relationship with my boyfriend for more than six years. We met each other in Highschool and were each others' firsts in almost everything. I am 22, my boyfriend is the same age.These six years with him were happy years. He is a sweet,handsome, gentle and hyperactive guy and we practice the same hobby together. We have the same stupid humor and can appreciate each others' weaknesses and quirks. Our relationship is strong and stable. We are the best of friends. I will graduate soon and perhaps we will find a home together. I don't think I will ever deserve such a good man and I do think that we could have a future together. Yet I am writing to you. I have been overthinking stuff constantly and I feel embarrassed and guilty for having this horrible secret. I have had a very strong crush on my classmate for about more than half a year. It's been my first crush since my boyfriend. I really can't help why I feel this way. I haven't told anyone and I am not planning on telling my crush however I think about the topic a lot. I really want this crush to go away but it's simply too strong. I think we are both aware of the tension as my gut feeling is telling me so, but we both do nothing about it because I really want to respect my relationship. I think he feels the same way. I don't flirt with my crush but I do exchange some messages with him on a strictly professional basis. We sometimes see each other on parties on which we will try to act like friends but underneath the signs are very clear.This crush that has taken a hold of me is affecting my relationship somehow. I have multiple selfish thoughts and doubts and that is never okay...- I have been in only one relationship so far and my current boyfriend has been my first in almost everything. Maybe I want to try new love before I regret it. Maybe I want more experiences as I am still young. - Maybe I am together with my bf out of convenience and comfort. Am I ready to be with him for another six years? He will probably move away in some time, we don't have much quality time and our sexlife isn't really what it used to be but that aren't necessarily bad things...- If I try to leave my bf for him, I will also probably regret it. The grass isn't greener and I will have to start all over again. I will leave my bf heartbroken and if the new guy is no serious relationship-material, I will end up alone and selfish. - I will graduate soon and I really want to vent. I want to tell someone about this but if I tell my bf, he will be heartbroken and obviously hurt. - I really don't want to cheat but I can't stop myself from thinking, dreaming or fantasizing about this yguy. I lost my appetite and can't sleep. It's really bad. I think that I am taking more and more risks in just being in his company. I really need an adult take on this. Maybe this crush has been an eyeopener on my current relationship. My bf is my best friend and such a great partner but maybe it's too convenient. I am 22 and have had only one relationship so far. I don't know if I am ready for longer commitment. I really can't ignore this crush. I need to vent. I need closure. I want out. I don't know what to do. I am so confused, ashamed, guilty and above all a total child. I am crying right now.I don't want to process this alone. What do you guys think I should do? What are your thoughts on this topic? Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2016): Edit with corrections:
You cannot see a future with a person; and you wouldn't be crushing on someone else if you could. In fact, you wouldn't be crushing on anyone, but the one you could "see a future with."
You aren't married and you don't just hold onto a relationship out of habit. When your feelings start to wander, you must either gain your self-control to maintain your loyalty; or free the one who's heart you may break.
Being cheated on before you breakup, hurts a lot worse than just being dumped; because your feelings have changed for someone.
If only people would show mercy through honesty; rather than selfishly avoid guilt through cowardice. That's not a quote. That's a heartfelt original statement!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2016): You are restless within a committed relationship. That relationship is all you've ever known. You've become infatuated with another person; because you've become bored with the familiar. It's predictable, few surprises, comfortable, and you take it for granted that he loves you.
Let's put emphasis on that last statement. "You take it for granted that he loves you." Love feels different when it's new. It creates a craving and strong sense of anticipation.
You wonder at the beginning will it last forever, could it get any better, and how would it feel if you should lose the one you love? Well, you start to get very used to that person. You know he's been consistent for the last few years. Now you're curious about other guys.
Crushes are fueled by the imagination. An overwhelming wonder of what it would be like to be with somebody else.
You start to fixate, because that one person comes along that makes you wonder and feel that same curiosity and craving you used to have before you got too used to the person you now know for certain you've got, and they aren't going anywhere. You're spoiled to some degree.
Crushes pass. You're fixating because you're letting your imagination runaway with you. That's how cheating begins.
Your hormones have more to do with it than anything else.
If it is becoming too difficult to use some restraint and self-control; and to behave like a sensible and responsible adult? If you're losing your ability to remain faithful and loyal? Then end your relationship before you hurt him by cheating on him.
That's what this is all about isn't it? Wanting to be with someone else. Now that you see someone fresh and new.
Like a new toy, when the old ones don't seem so new and interesting anymore. They sit in a pile, or abandoned in the toy box.
Sweetie, you can't treat people like that.
If you've now decided you want to date and no longer be exclusive; the adult thing to do, is be honest and end the relationship. It's easier than ending a marriage. Don't say things like you can see the future. I want to tear my eyeballs out when people write that crap in a post. You cannot see a the future with a person; and you wouldn't be crushing on someone else if you could. In fact, you wouldn't be crushing on anyone but he one you could "see a future with." Gosh I hate that phrase!!!
You've gotten all you've wanted out of this guy, and he has unknowingly slipped into the friend-zone.
All long-term relationships get a little boring. Yes you do need some dating experience; but holding on to someone while your mind is somewhere else, is cheating psychologically.
So make up your "wandering" mind, and stop with this silly childish nonsense about being so overwhelmed over a crush. Learn what it means to be truly committed, or end it right now. Before you hurt someone. It just might be yourself. Who says the crush would even care beyond getting into your panties?
Stop the sneaky messaging, or end the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Everyone gets infatuated but it is through your power of overcoming that infatuation that you deepen your love for the one who loves you back. Your BF loves you back, but the one you are dreaming and fantasizing about does not love you back. He may desire you, but the desire is the way to compromise your love.
In fact, the amount of dreaming and fantasizing you did about your BF is probably much less then you do for this crush of yours. And that is telling: real love does not demand so much fantasizing about it because it is there and you live it. But temptation which wrecks love is always so addictive with its fantasy, but that is all you get. Temptations create fantasies in order to ruin your reality.
So an adult take on this is simple: if there is no future, then don't bother with it.
There is absolutely no future with your crush, you know that and so do we. So why do you invest so much emotion into something that will come out to nothing? Suppose you invested that much emotion, that much mental romance on your BF?
Bottom line, you have to fight off this temptation you are having and when you conquer it you will be so much better off. Start by avoiding the temptation. Go places where your crush is not. Talk to people where the crush can't say anything. Work hard on erasing him out of your dwelling. Then work on developing your romance with your BF. In few years, you will look back on this action and be proud at the power that you have over your emotions.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Continue to do nothing about the crush. What you are experiencing is the emotional roller coaster that in reality is not a threat. Train your mind to observe and not to react to your thoughts. You are going through the heartbreak as if you were broken up in real life, because your mind tells you you are not going through with your crush. What you are experiencing is not pleasant of course, but if you just stay with it, take deep breaths, then you would come out of the tunnel feeling you survived. You would realize you got hyper over nothing, because really, it's nothing. You would feel refreshed and unburdened.
Your crush is not an eyeopener for your relationship. It is an eyeopener for your life, your untapped life force and energy. Make sure you make good use of your energy and gain an understanding.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 March 2016):
 What you are saying is all wrong.
Poor sex life and little quality time is not necessarily a bad thing? since when? That particular combination is a marriage killer. Of course you are doubting your existing relationship. You have let it Die.
You are 22 and suffering a 6 month school girl crush? You say you can't control, cant stop yourself from dreaming and Fantasizing about him. Of course you can't you choose to fill every idle thought with him. You are no silly hormonal teen. You have experience. Crush's don't last 6 months. What you have is a nurtured infatuation.
You think you are young and can't make a long term commitment. But, you have been committed to a single person for 6 years. Until it became inconvenient. Until something interesting, but not really relation material. So you want a Fling, and because your relationship has been abandoned to die, you don't see a reason not to.
Here is the thing you should be thinking about. In a few months when you graduate and leave University it is going to get harder to meet new people. As young as you are, the rules are going to change and not in your favor. If you are going to move on, you better be looking for a quality partner not some "interesting fling". What experience is it you are looking for?
FA
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Sweetie only you can answer these questions. Would it be worth losing your boyfriend to see if there is anything with your crush? You can't even be sure if he feels the same way about you. Think about what your life would be like without your boyfriend? Is there more positive or negatives? I don't think having a crush on someone is enough reason to end a relationship. Yes maybe you want to experience different things, and maybe you and your boyfriend did get together to young. But you really need to think about what you want here. Because I would be afraid you would end things and then see that your crush might not feel the same, and then you will be lonely. Although its not a bad idea to take some time being alone either. It might actually do you some good. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you need some time alone, a break for a week or two, or a month. Then see how you feel afterwards.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2016): Looks can be deceiving since that's all you have to go on with this "crush" of yours.The mind can play tricks if you let it wonder too much, you needs to pull it back when it starts doing this.You mentioned all the great things about your bf. so what's so great about the crush? you didn't list anything. That's because you don't really know him. He could be a douche bag, cheater, liar etc. Or he could be good but the point you is its not worth the risk. I was going to suggest you be friends with the crush and this will maybe snap you out of this day dream once you see he is a normal guy, but your already talkin about feelings for a guy you barely know. So becoming friends could back fire since you seem to be the romantic type. My advice is to remind yourself its the "idea" of this crush you like and not the reality because until you really get to know this crush, this could all be in your head and this crush may not even really like you enough to date you.
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A
female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Well don't tie yourself up in knots about the way you feel, that won't benefit you or your relationship with your boyfriend. People can sense when something is up and worry what's wrong so getting very upset about it will probably show.
You don't want to cheat and I don't think you will as you restrain yourself around him. You're not giving in to temptation and doing something you regret. If it bothers you so much that you feel this way try and distance yourself from him as much as you can, hard when you take classes together but you could sit somewhere in front of him so you won't be able to look at him all the time.
Crushes just disappear after a while, it's highly unlikely that you would feel so strongly about a person you aren't all that close to after a good few years. The fact that you keep telling yourself not to do something makes your mind focus on it even more.
I have a friend who got married to her husband when she was very young and even though they were good together they both started to feel like they could be missing out on things single people do like being excited about a date with a new person or trying to experience different things. They split up but in the end realised that the grass wasn't greener and they were just right for each other.
All the things you say about your boyfriend makes him a perfect person to be with and if these guys swapped places would your current boyfriend seem the better option that you had a crush on. You could end up breaking up, starting with the crush and realise he's not very nice. So in my opinion one day down the line you'd start missing him and it would hurt that you couldn't get him back again.
Best thing you can do is try and work on getting a spark back with your boyfriend. Just because you've been together such a long time doesn't mean you can't have exciting new dates, trying out different things, you could look for ways to start being exciting for him. It's like that saying, the seven year itch, it just happens.
So have some willpower to stop thinking about him and focusing on him, you need to try hard to. This is about you worrying that you're a bit young to have only the one boyfriend. You have to sort that feeling out first, really think hard if you want to stay together for a long time. Then when you've resolved that you can think about other people.
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