A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I am a 37yr old married woman no kids. Have been super happily married for a few years now, but I am seeing my usual relationship pattern starting once again. And the pattern, which has always started after a few years into any of relationships, is that I am starting to get crushes, flirting and fantasizing about other men. I would love to have sex with someone else, I would love to start a new fun no strings attached relationship but I wouldnt ever leave my husband. I am a monster and a s^^t. I know that. What is wrong with me?!? I havent done anything so far with anyone else ( and by anything I mean really anything) but I enjoy the attention and the flirting more than I should. I am afraid this isnt gonna end well, I am afraid I'm gonna end up having an affair and ruining my marriage. My previous relationship ended because I cheated on my then bf with my current husband, got caught, got dumped and then started a relationship with my hubby- this is to tell you, it has happened before and I am scared it might happen again!! What should I do?
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affair, crush, flirt, married woman Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 You want the spark to last forever, the kind of spark that the same man over and over just can't give you anymore. What you need is not your fantasies about cheating, or actual cheating. It is deep acceptance of what relationships are about. They are not about catering to your constant need for attention and admiration. It is normal to feel wanted, as a woman. Wanting to feel alive and sexy is the same as breathing. But you can't have the cake and eat it too. You need to believe you are all that, so you won't depend on others to supply this confidence to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2016): Some people are not monogamous. In fact majority is not monogamous.
I am pretty convinced that at some point everyone cheats unless they are very religious.
Some people make it a choice to not cheat, and stay faithfull their whole life to one person though tempatation is there.
I would not call you a monster, this is silly, you are just a human being, and it happens to the best of us. Just to add, i dont know a single person who did not cheat ever.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (22 March 2016):
These things happen. People get crushes. I'm happily married and I get them too.
The key here is not why do you get them but why do you choose to act on them? Is your self esteem low? I'd guess that it is, and that these affairs make you feel special, young, desired, etc.
So frankly I think you need counseling. You need to discover the root of the problem (which again is not getting crushes, but obsessing over them and acting on them). You must learn to control your behavior, and good on you for trying to put a stop to this before you do something you will regret.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2016):
 You talk to your husband about needing more attention. Maybe even spicing up the love life a little. Maybe role-play could be a thing?
Cheating is a choice. It's an action. YOU chose to cheat. You can CHOOSE not to as well.
You make it sound like you just can't "help" yourself and I will call BS on you. YOU can.
Maybe you also need to consider why you feel a need for the constant attention and then DEAL with it.
Even consider talking to a therapist/counselor.
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A
female
reader, Kate1967 +, writes (22 March 2016):
It sounds to me like you are insecure.
The guilt from cheating will make you hate yourself. I assume you love your husband. Don't hurt him. Just say no. Don't flirt with other men and be put in any situation that would tempt you.
Focus on your relationship with your husband.
You should know the pain that goes with cheating. Cheating is a choice.
If you really cannot resist, I suggest you go to a counsellor because I feel you have deeper issues than what meets the surface ... but above all ... don't cheat.
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