A
female
age
51-59,
*umble
writes:Hi everyone - I need your help again. My partner and I split up in February this year but the same thing happened last year and we got back together in September of that year (only to split again 6 months later).We didn't live together or anything but had been together for over 4 years. We got together quite soon after my marriage ended as he was a mutual friend and he had also just come out of a disastrous relationship. It has been me that has ended the relationship on both occasions - long story!Anyway, since February, we had not seen each other or contacted each other in any way. Then I saw him out once and he said he'd been texting me (but I had changed my number). He said there and then that he wanted us to try again - how many times do you try?I said that I didn't but somehow he got my new mobile number and I was bombarded with texts! I've still said there's no point in trying yet again and that we both need to move on. This week he has now texted me and said that he has totally moved on - different story to last week and could we go out for a couple of drinks as friends - tonight!!I really would value his friendship but I just wonder if he really has accepted that this is all it's going to be. Is is really possible to stay friends with your ex or will it just cause extra trouble? Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Forget it, you need to set some boundaries. After having some trouble unsticking fellows, I allow my ex boyfriends to send me an email or card once a year during the holidays, but that's it. If they try to contact me more often I tell them flat out I'm not comfortable and that I'll cut off ALL contact if they keep pestering me.
My feeling is that it's a dangerous game to stay "friends" with an ex. Send your ex a letter explaining how you still think well of him, etc., but you are certain that you are not suited for each other, and that you think it would be best for the both of you if he were to move on.
You've got to let go and let him be free. He's got to realize that he can build a life without you as a major player.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): Think twice; do you want him again or REALLY not?
If your answer was the latter, then know that friendship can be promoted one rank up, but can NEVER go one rank down again! As a rule! Such friendships never work, unless the love was 100% fake, and since there is something telling me it is not really fake on his side, so I suggest that both of you go in your own ways, but talking about 'friendship' and so is meaningless here to be honest. We are human, and we don't have a button to click and change the way we feel for a certain person because 'agreed to'.
Be with him again or leave him totally. Make up your mind and decide.
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A
female
reader, Mumble +, writes (14 June 2008):
Mumble is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for your replies. I didn't give him my new number but I think he may have got it from my ex husband as he works with him! I think it's easier for me because I'm the one that has broken things off but I just can't see that from the end the last week when he was desperate for us to try again that things can have turned around so quickly in that he now just wants to be friends. I really think he needs to be with someone and this would be easier than starting all over again with someone else but I don't want or need to be with someone for the sake of it.
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (14 June 2008):
 Hi Hun
If he was texting you during your breakup and...somehow got your new mobile number...did you give it to him...I would say that he may be hoping for a reconciliation. That is not what you want..is it. Therefore in this case if he wants one thing and you want something else..this could be a train wreck.
On a personal note I was in the shoes of your ex when I started a relationship with a guy last year..he was a real himbo( male bimbo) about everything and condescendingly offered his friendhship. I wanted no part of it and am so glad I played it this way.
Sounds like this guy is not really going to be content going for coffee every now and then..he probably wants to be with you and you do not want that. If you are absolutely clear on that, you must tell him again. I would not put the friendship option in there as that just muddies the waters for him. Again...if he got over you so fast maybe he can handle it but it sounds like the friendship offer is doing nothing but giving him false hope.
He needs to either be happily on his own and not tortured by the second best aspect of a friendship with you or a clean break to be with someone who wants to be with him.
Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (14 June 2008):
 I think you can remain friends with an ex but it depends on how much contact you have.
I think considering only last week he was still wanting to try again and he has now said he is cool with moving on is just a little too soon for things to have changed for him.
Perhaps he thinks a drink will soften you up and he will go slow with you until you change your mind.
Right now I would say you can't make it tonight for some reason or other and give it a few months before seeing him again, if you then go for a drink time will have passed and he will see that you are getting on with your life. I don't think enough time has passed just yet for you to have both moved on.
He has obviously talked you around before and he knows he can probably do it again, doing it twice means to say that you weren't happy on both occasions so don't make the third mistake as this is doing neither of you any favours and you are just going round in circles.
Hope some of this helps.
Take care.
BFN
Country Woman
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