A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been reading lots of questions and answers on here and there seems to be a general consensus that if a guy truly likes you as a person and is interested in pursuing a relationship with you he will wait for sex/intimacy, won't pressure you and won't up and disappear when you don't sleep with him after a few dates.Now, that all sounds great but I'm wondering if this is really true. I'm 27 and I haven't dated that much or been intimate with someone (apart from kissing and cuddling) and with the past two guys that 'up and disappeared' on me I've always wondered if they were perhaps interested in a relationship but because I moved so slowly in the intimacy department they just thought I wasnt that interested in them or perhaps they thought I would never get comfortable with them and so they gave up. The first guy lasted a month and the second two weeks. Neither guy ever asked me about my tendency to go slow, they just up and left without any explanation. This has left me feeling hurt and made me wonder if I'd done something wrong. With the second guy, he started to 'explore' on our fourt date and I just stopped him and told him that the reason for this was that I haven't known him for long. He just said ok and that night was basically the last time I saw him.I wonder if it's realistic to expect a guy who is in his late 20s to really be content with going slow with someone. I'm not willing to do more than I'm comfortable with but I'm thinking whether this is preventing me from having a relationship with someone. I appreciate all thoughts, but especially those from guys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all the responses! I really appreciate the feedback. I know that some girls withold sex/intimacy to 'test' out a guy's intentions. I don't do this as I consider it game playing. What I'm not comfortable with is getting intimate with someone I don't really know, say in the span of a few dates. I don't have a timeline and stick to it, it's just a matter of how comfortable I am.
The last guy, I'd only been on 3 dates with him and even though I really liked him and was insanely attracted to him I just thought it was way, way too soon (especially since he'd been dumped a few weeks before he met me). If he'd hung around I probably would have slept with him within a month or two as I would have by that time gotten comfortable around him. But after the 3rd date when nothing happened in that department he just got distant and I knew something was up. The sexual innuendo on the 3rd date (he'd joke about me staying the whole night, stripping for him and wearing costumes) makes me think he just wanted a body and not a relationship and it made me feel disrespected. The first guy went back to his ex so perhaps Miss C is right, maybe it's just been bad luck with these two, and perhaps I'm better off.
mytwocents, I really think you did the right thing in telling the girl your reason for not continuing on. I feel that if the two guys I came across couldn't even ask me whether something was wrong then they weren't that interested in me anyway. If all they did was assume, I don't think they cared in the first place. Neither guy could even bother telling me he didnt want to see me anymore, they both just 'disappeared'. As an even bigger insult, the two week dude even said to me that nothing between us changed and that he still wants to see me, but I haven't heard from him in two weeks. I've gotten over it now but when this happens not once but a few times, it makes you question yourself and your values.
When the poster below me says: "Just barely okay, but I think I would be okay with it if I though you showed some real signs of being potential as a long-term serious GF." - this to me means that if a guy is interested in who I am, he would be willing to be a little patient, so thanks for that comment, it's nice to know there are guys like you out there.
Thanks again to all of you!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): I'm a 30yo guy and I would be okay with your pattern. Just barely okay, but I think I would be okay with it if I though you showed some real signs of being potential as a long-term serious GF. In fact I would REALLY like a girl who has less sexual history and waits longer than normal because of her own free will, and not just because some religion or family lifestyle forced it.I am a guy who has always been okay with waiting longer than most guys seem to though. Lots of other guys might not wait to find out if they liked you enough or not. But I do run out of patience with girls who make me wait extra long because they're trying to compensage for past indiscretions. Sorry but it's not my problem. It's actually encouraging to me to hear about girls like you still out there. I'm pretty choosy about sexuality too and I feel pretty alone in this opinion these days.
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A
male
reader, mytwocents  +, writes (15 May 2009):
 To answer your question: yes AND no.
As a man, I don't think there's anything wrong with talking it slow. In fact, I think it's admirable to be selective about who you're intimate with. But I do think that having this requirement narrows the field considerably, which can be a bad AND a good thing.
There is such a thing as TOO slow for some people. I think that for most people in their late 20s in the US (especially in urban areas), the timeline is much quicker than yours. And it sounds like it was a factor in your previous guys "up and disappering."
I dated a girl a couple of years ago that was a (24-year-old) virgin. She didn't tell me at first, but after a couple of escalating make-out sessions, I asked her and she "came clean." She never told me why; whether she intended to stay that way; or for how long. I ended up guessing. And my guess was that we would probably not have sex--unless, that is, we were together for long time. I was okay with the whole thing, IN THEORY. But, as time went on, I realized I wanted (and needed) to have sex as part of my life. I eventually broke it off with her. There were other factors, but the absence of physical intimacy was one of them. I explained it to her respectfully and we remained friends.
I don't want to toot my own horn, but I don't think most guys would do this. They'd take the easy route and just stop showing up or calling. It's no reflection on them necessarily, since they're just taking cues (based on the prevailing social norms) that maybe you're not interested, that you don't have the right chemistry, or that it's just "not working out."
While there are definitely quality guys out there willing to take it slow with you, I think you need to talk to them about it first. I think it will help you AND them. You: because you won't have a repeat of the previous situations and you'll be able to screen out guys that wouldn't have been okay with it. Them: because they won't have to guess whether: something's wrong with your chemistry, you're not interested, or that you will NEVER be intimate with them.
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A
female
reader, bellaaddison +, writes (15 May 2009):
Of course there are guys out there that will go slow just as there are guys out there that will dump ya if they don't get what they want. Having said that, you don't want them anyway especially if you're in it for more than just a physical connection.
Don't give in to anything that you're not ready for. Ultimately, you'll lose respect for yourself and harbor resentment for the guy who puts you in that position which in turn would just taint the relationship anyway. Just be patient and you'll meet the person worth waiting for because he'll be the one who finds YOU worth waiting for!
Good Luck!
Bella xoxo
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (15 May 2009):
 I truly believe that a guy is capablebof taking it slow! There's still hope out there, I'm sure you'll find someone who is right for you. I've been in similar situations as you but you can't let them contribute to forming sterotypes or negativity! X
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