A
female
age
41-50,
*eshasaies
writes:3 Months ago my husband slept with someone at his work, I found out and kicked him out we have a 8 year old son. It took about 6 weeks for us to start talking again I went through what every broken hearted women goes through. I loved him a lot. He started dating the girl he slept with so I gave up on us ever getting back together. Upon reflection I realise there was alot of issues in our marriage on both of our sides and that something had to happen to change things as we were drifting apart, and couldn't talk to each other. He comes around once a week to see our son but lately he has been sitting around talking open heartedly to me about what happend etc. I have been honest with him and to a point I don't blame him for what happened. A couple of weeks ago I started seeing some one else, who I opened up to and was really happy about I told my ex about him and he said he was happy for me and could tell that I was happy for the 1st time in a long time. All of a sudden this new guy cut me off stopped ringing etc. and then told me he was having trouble deciding between me and his ex, I was very upset, my ex rung me and I was crying he came right over and stayed for hours telling me not to give up on this other guy and to stay positive, as the week went on he kept texting to make sure i was ok to tell me to stay positive. This new guy kept dragging it out not giving me any answers, as I got upset I texted my ex and he met me for coffee, when this new guy finally worked up the courage to end it I once again texted my ex and he met me straight away to comfort me. I realised that I wasn't sad that this new relationship was over but that my destraction from my husband had gone (his girlfriend left for her home country 3 weeks ago) we spoke about the lonileness he said he was lonely too I asked him if he loved this woman he had slept with, he said he didn't know. So i gathered my courage and said I would like him to come home, I could forgive everthing and start again given the chance. He said he doesn't know if he can trust himself, he had thought about coming home but it would never be the same again, he said he had some thinking to do. Please I need some advice have I done the right thing I feel like I have can you start again after an affair, how do i survive if he says no? I realise you don't know what you've got till its gone!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, uncle Frank  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 Dear Jilted wife, yes, it IS possible to start again!
It will take time for both of you, though.
Tell him straight that you have decided to take him back and to sort out the problems that BOTH of you had, according to what you write.
Tell him that you still love him (if you do) and tell him that you are over the vendetta boyfriend you had for a short time. (I hope for your sake that you have had no sex with the other guy.)
You will have to be lenient on each other and don’t nag him about the other woman, especially if you want to be forgiven for the other man!
You both may have to see a therapist for a short series of sessions.
Your son is too young (at 8) to understand everything that has gone on, so don’t try to get him on your side by blaming his father, nor go into details of what has happened. Just answer his questions BREFLY, but TRUTHFULLY.
Yes, it IS possible to start again!
The only problem is that you may never again trust him. The advantage of this is that you will never again TAKE HIM FOR GRANTED and so you will find yourself paying more attention to him and what he likes, dislikes and needs and that in turn will endear you to him.
It will take some time, but it CAN work: it is up to you first, and him also.
Sexually.
Get both of you tested for HIV and STDs as you both had two medically unknown partners, if you had sex with the new guy. Even if you didn’t, taking a test TOGETHER will encourage and reassure him that all is well.
You may have to initiate sex more often than before: this will make him feel truly welcome back. This is especially so if you arouse him while he is watching TV (without taking him away from his show, just touch him – unless he shows or tells you he doesn’t want it).
When he is standing up and the time is right for sex, stand behind him, hold him lightly and slowly start masturbating him. Does not have to ejaculate yet. When he is hard and aroused leave him and go make him tea or coffee. Do this a few times in a row or in a week and enjoy the results.
If he comes too soon for your likings when you eventually have sex again, tell him what you intend to do and masturbate him or ‘blow’ him till he ‘comes’. Then stay with him and clean him or lick and suck it if you like that, many females do. Then make him a drink or a meal. When you are finished eating or drinking – no more than one alcoholic drink or it will be the end of sex – start arousing him again: he will respond again even if a bit slower. At the same time masturbate yourself to get thoroughly wet. If he likes to see you doing it let him see you as it will arouse him more. If not just do it to wet your fanny. If you can orgasm many times go ahead and enjoy them: it is OK. When he is hard and ready sit on him and take IT inside you. When he is ready to come (in eight or more years you should know when this is IT) get up and lead him to lie down place, settee, carped, lawn or bed and carry on from there.
Spiritually.
Please allow someone who received Jesus at the age of twelve, became a fortune-teller at 14, was ‘born again’ 26 years later and studied the Holy Scriptures of the various Bibles for the next 35 years to share something interesting with you.
You don’t tell in your question whether you are a Christian or not. I take it as ‘not’ or your actions would make you a naughty ‘christian’ in my eyes.
God – The ‘Ancient of times’, the Most High God, the Eternal One, the Living God’ – says: “I am!” and says: “I change not”.
He also says: “Be ye holy for I am holy!” This is relevant for you, only if you want to obey Him. ‘Holy’ only means ‘separated from anything that is sin’. And, lastly, ‘sin’ is any thought, intention, idea, action that is not in line with what God teaches and requires.
It makes sense that if someone does not know God someone may not know what He requires and teaches.
I will only tell you something that is in line with sex and marriage.
1.God says that He made male and female humans and that because of this: a male shall leave his mother and father, shall ‘cleave’ (hold tightly and embrace) to (= with) his female and (at that moment and because of this) the two shall become ONE flesh.
2.Jesus (God’s Son and also God in essence) when answering a question about divorce says: “He Who made them says that a male shall leave …(as above), therefore (so, because of this) let no-one separate who God has put together.”
This means that there is NO divorce.
3.Later on Saint Paul will share with all of us a revelation that God gave him: “Don’t you know that if a male goes into a prostitute, he becomes one with her, because God said (in the beginning) that the two shall become one flesh.” Next he explains that whosoever does this (as well as other thing he tells) WILL NOT inherit the Kingdom of God (or Heaven).
The Scriptures also say that a female human is bound to her husband for as long as he lives. Only when he dies is she free from this Law and can marry another male.
The Bible also says that ‘marriage is sinless in all things”.
So:
All this means that a female is ‘married’ to the male she first lies down with and under no circumstances may she lie down with another male while the first lives. She also may not lie down with a beast as she does with a male. (Nor may the male lie down with beast as he does with a female). The male may also not lie down with another male as he does with a female.
Nowhere in the Scriptures is written that a female may not lie down with another female as she does with a male. It only says that a female that does this ‘does something that is against nature’, but does not say that it is against God and therefore cannot be considered a ‘sin’, in spite of what people and ‘churches’ say.
The Scriptures also say that ‘If a male has two wives, one loved and one hated,…” and goes on to say what this man may not do with the ‘heredity of the firstborn’.
I particularly choose the term ‘MALE’ as opposed to ‘MAN’ and the term ‘FEMALE’ as opposed to the one that reads ‘WOMAN’ because in the Hebrew original text there are 5 words for ‘female’ depending on whether she is ‘baby, adolescent, virgin, married, widow, living as a widow’ and in the original Greek there are 4 such words, while there are several words in the two languages to distinguish between ‘male’ and ‘mankind’.
It is also written that a male may not ‘covet’ (= desire) the wife or female of the ‘neighbour’, but it is not written that the female may not covet the ‘husband’ of her neighbour. Jesus said: “If a ‘male’ looks after a ‘married female’ (gune = GUNÉ), to ‘LUST’ after her he has already committed adultery n his heart”.
There is NOTHING written about masturbation, whether by a male or a female and within ‘lawfully married (made ‘one flesh’ by God and not by a piece of paper) people’ or between women, but not allowed between males nor with an animal.
All this tells me, I don’t know if you will admit it or not, that it is not OK for a female to have more than one ‘sexual lover’ while the first lives, but it is OK for the male to do so IF the females were willing and LAWFUL to him at the time he took them: ‘virgins’ or ‘widows’.
It also tells me that if a female masturbates and fantasizes about her neighbour’s husband, any male or female, she does not sin. But a male may not fantasize about a female he is not sure she is a virgin or a widow, while masturbating or anytime.
The female is limited about physical male partners, but not about female partners.
The male is limited about fantasy partners and forbidden same sex partners.
I have not found that a male is allowed to fantasize after another male, but the fact that he is not allowed to have one indicates to me that he is not allowed to think about one either.
It tells me that within the confines of ‘marriage’ (God’s way) there is nothing dirty or too extreme between a male and his female(s).
I wish you well
Uncle Frank
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): getting back together will be hard. once trust is broken it has to be earned and that is never easy. he has to be willing to understand if you are sketchy about anything he is doing but you also have to try to trust him again. you have to ask yourself if you can trust him again. if you can, and he is willing to prove his love and let you know he can be trusted, he should come home to you and baby.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (12 July 2009):
 It sounds like there is still something between your ex and yourself. When affairs happen they tend to be a sign of something not right. You have reflected. It sounds like you both need councelling. At least he is trying to open up to you which is a good thing. Keep talking. I feel you still have a future.
LOL
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