A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating the same girl for almost a year and a half now. Shes great. I love her to death. She wore a promise ring until today. At first glance I wasn't that attracted to her. But a couple months after we met we started dating. We started having sex about 3 or 4 months after dating. In all honesty, the sex sucks. She is rather large (she's not willing to discuss it) not all that attractive, but she has this thing about her I cannot stop loving. She doesn't really allow me my own space and today I threw in the towel. I gave her my necklace she got me for our 1 year and she gave me back her promise ring. I'm going to wait it out tonight, but I don't know where to go from here...Is it possible to love someone that you are sexually unattracted to? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Gremma +, writes (11 June 2008):
I feel for you. This is not an instant answer, but bare with me, I'll get there. I have a son a little older than you and when he was younger his friends spent a great deal of time at our home. During football season I had the best snacks so they were always there. As they grew and their world and experiences broadened I made it clear to them that drinking and driving was a no-no, because I offered to pick them up rather than them drive, again they were often around. Since many became "seconds sons" I used to speak to them as I did my own son. They'd be talking about some "hot" babe at a party and how they were due to see her again. I spoke to them about women and life as I will with you now, do with it as you wish. There is "fooling" around and there is searching for your "life mate" and usually the two are never included in the same journey. While "fooling" around though you'd better be sure to put a helmet on that soldier (condon) because if you don't then you must realize that this woman could become the mother of your child. If you are searching for your "life mate" you need to ask questions, a lot of questions; both of yourself and of her. Here are questions to ask of her, I will put an asterisk next to a question you should also ask yourself. Find out how many relationship(s) she has been in*. Find out how these relationship(s) ended and why*. Find out if she is a jealous person*. Find out how she gets along with her family. Does she wish to have children*? Is she religious and how far does religion go into her life and eventful marriage*? (with regard to birth control, solving problems, attending activities, and raising children, etc.) Does she like your friends*? How does she feel about your favorite activities*? What do your parents think of her? How does she feel about material things? Does great clothes and great looking home equal happiness to her*? If time got rough would she dig in and help out or would she take the fastest road out*? What does happiness mean to her*? Does that mean she has everything at least as good as or better than her friends*? Is she attracted to you or your car? Can you see her cooking and cleaning, or does she make sure someone else does those things? Does she have her own accomplishments*? (graduated from college, has a great job, bought her own house or car) or does she get everything from boyfriends and Daddy? Who are the people she admires and why*?
I have one more comment and this might answer your question. Donald Trump is one of the most unattractive men I've seen, but because he has so much money he can practically have his pick of owmen, but if he lost eveything (which he did once) will any of those women stick by him? Brad Pitt is gorgeous, if he were in an accident and were disfigured would the women stand by him? Whatever men use as bait to get a woman will determine what kind of woman he gets.
Finding a woman who makes you feel good about yourself as you are, a woman who cares about you from the inside out is rare. If you are a Greek God, a drop-dead good looking guy, guess what, you'll get older and some of that will either go away, sag, or fall out. So don't expect more than you are yourself. You may not be the man of her dreams either. She might really be into Cowboys or Lumberjacks, or even sexy older men.
If who she is doesn't do it for you, move on. It isn't fair to her that you "settle" for her. If you move on then she will have a chance to find a man who loves her for her and doesn't need her change for him. Doing her a "favor" may deny her the man of or dreams who will make her feel good about herself, who will love from the inside out.
Women and sex is complicated, especially with a young girl, she needs to trust you, and you need to be tactful when speaking of sex between you. Critizing only creates more insecurity. Sex is different with every person and with every coupling. Some women are afraid of doing it wrong, so they don't do it at all. You need to concentrate on pleasing her, if a young woman experiences an orgasm and nothing is asked in return, the next time time it happens for her she will almost insist on doing the same for you. Geez, if only more men actually understood women. I have heard so many stories of a woman's "first time" and usually it is a fumbling nightmare with a self-centered male. Before a woman has even experienced how wonderful sex CAN be, she is asked or forced into other sex acts that will surely NOT give her an orgasm. If a woman is made happy on a regular basis, she will search for ways to make you happy including becoming bikini material, you won't even have to ask. I know a woman who became a gourmet cook just to make her husband happy, another who can almost have an orgasm on the phone if her husband starts talking saying their "secret words" during the conversation. Another couple who have a small physcial signal that sex is on their mind, and even if at a party they practically leave skid marks trying to leave the party. You just try my suggestion of making her orgasm and ask for nothing in return, cuddle and tell her she is so wonderful that being next to her is enough. Then a few days later, again, make her happy, cuddle and she will almost insist that you should be made as happy. Under no conditions should you use this woman if you truly are not interested in making this work, that would be ultimately selffish. Men are as responsible for lousy sex as women are.
Please young man, be a different man, the world needs different men.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I appreciate the responses. Thanks.
As far as what I love about her is her attitude about life. She is full of life and is happy everyday. Shes going to make a GREAT Mom. Very home warming. I fell in love with the way she looked at me, the way she bought nice things for no occasion, and family is great.
Some things that irk me are that I'm an outdoorsy type of guy. I can stay a week in a tent where when with her we have to stay in a luxury hotel. I'm a home mechanic; I can fix anything on a car or truck - she goes to the dealership to get her oil changed. I work 2 part time jobs and she has a great full time job that makes double what I make; I have more money saved in the bank. I'm a big computer gamer, I built my system and put a lot of work into it; she absolutely hates me playing the thing. I enjoy my time alone, she needs to be with me 24/7. She loves to talk HOURS on the phone. I hate talking on the phone; I got better things to do.
Finally theres the sex. Every time we go to the bedroom the lights get immediately turned off so I can't see her naked. We never showered together. She has me leave her when she goes clothes shopping so I don't see what size shirts she buys. We both know it but we never discussed it. She used to work out about a year ago and I was very supportive. That only lasted about a month and she stopped. When we go places we always hold hands which I loved its just in the sack its stinky, sweaty, and awkward.
Its just really hard for me to shutdown this thing. This is a person that I went on cruises with, Disney World with, was going to Niagara Falls with, went to each others family get-togethers with, and ultimately how our future was looking. But after spending a full 72 hours together from waking up together to falling asleep it was driving me insane. I just wanted to get into my Jeep and drive around with the stereo blaring or play my computer for a couple of hours.
I'm just so torn as to answering the question, "Is she the one...?"
Thank you again for your responses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I think you just need to move on, there was nothing there for you was there? We all sometimes stay in relationships that we know are bad, yet we still stay in there, sometimes just out of habit or whatever. Just take each day as it comes and you will meet someone who you so rightly deserve, but this isnt the one, mate, so walk away.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (27 May 2008):
 Dude, if the sex is bad and you admitedly arent attracted to her why have you strung her along like this? That's not fair to her, and you know its not right for you! Do yourself and her a favor and move on.
On a side note, I agree with the previous post. If she has a wieght problem...a word of caution here: she wont lose the weight unless its on her terms. Nothing you can say or do will make a difference, and if you do say something, expect to get your ass kicked! Respect that and live with it, because there is nothing you can do to change it.
What you can and should do is break up with her. Do it nicely of course so you don't hurt her feelings about her unnatractiveness. But really...you had sex with her! What were you thinking? Even if it was bad sex, you kinda sent her the message that you find her sexually atractive. What are you doing???
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 I think it is possible to love someone you're not sexually attracted to, but I am not sure you should ignore the fact that you're feeling unattracted to her.
Sexuality (yours and hers) and sexual relations play a very important role in a healthy, loving relationship. It isn't the ONLY thing that is important...but I think it is something that needs to be addressed if you two are going to be able to "work".
You say your GF is overweight and won;t discuss it with you...I am assuming you have raised this as an issue for you in the past? Perhaps it is how you bring it up or more to do with how she feels about the weight issue herself that is causing her to "block" this discussion. If her self esteem is already low due to weight issues, then it will be devastating for her to think that it is a problem for you - she possibly is already withdrawing physically and emotionally from you if she feels you find her unattractive.
That doesn;t mean you shouldn't bring it up = the fact that you are being honest is great...you just need to figure out how to bring it up (and other issues) without causing her to feel rejected/blamed/shame etc.
As for loving "something about her" - you need to define what that is....because it sounds to me that your reasons for not loving her outnumber your reasons to love her.
If you feel you want to explore possibilities that may help you feel more sexually attracted to her - because you are emotionally very attracted to her and admire lots of things about her as a person/partner - then great, there are things you can do to support her once you can enter into a safe discussion about the issues. BUT...I fear that if your GF can't or won't loose weight you are going to become resentful of her, and angry at her for not being what you want or what you think she could be....and the relationship will deteriorate. She will feel more and more rejected, more self-conscious with you, more loathing of her self perhaps...and even angry at you for "not loving her for herself"....
The fact you feel she doesn't give you "space" shows you are not feeling sure about the relationship...and that she is probably insecure too.
I really recommend asking her to see a relationship counsellor with you - if you truly feel there is something there you want to fight for....some of the issues you two need to talk about are very difficult and emotive, so having a non-biased mediator to help you talk without becoming defensive or accusatory etc...might be best. Seeking help may also show her that you are not rejecting her...just needing some things to change.
I hope you can figure someting out!
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 You can not force who you like or not and I definitely wouldn't recommend having a relationship with someone you are not physically attracted to. On the other hand, telling her you don't like her because she is overweight is not a good initiative either, people tend to loose weight when they are ready to do it and you telling her this is not likely to help.
You could discuss the weight issue in other terms in hopes she will get the message, but even then, this doesn't say anything other than she is willing to try and loose a few pounds.
Someday, sooner or later, you will find someone who you are attracted to physically and emotionally (this is the way I believe it is supposed to go) and then you will probably leave this girl for someone else and that would be BAD. If you already know this is unlikely to improve, let her go and find someone who will love her and find her extremely attractive.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I just feel so awkward now. I almost have what seems like the shakes. Tonight is the first night since we started dating that I haven't called her to say goodnight.
Furthermore, we were starting to look for places to live. Once I land a better job it was going to be a sure thing. But tensions today grew and I couldn't take it anymore. I've never been in this situation before and I'm heartbroke. I don't know what I'll regret more; missing the opportunity of spending my life with someone, or calling her tomorrow and telling her I was out of line...
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A
female
reader, edsbabygirl +, writes (27 May 2008):
 You aren't in love, you are just attached. See the difference is you think you need her. If you loved her there wouldn't be this doubt. She is just a safety net for you. Without her, you don't have a girlfriend. I think that you should decide with her what you are feeling.
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