A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible to date without playing games? I read all this dating advice and it seems like nothing but a game with sexist rules. A game that doesn't seem fun at all. It's described in many ways: as a "push-pull dynamic", a "dance" or a "chase" where men are the pursuers and women play hard to get, or a "numbers game" which makes the search for love seem random and meaningless.All this is very hard for me to take. It rubs me the wrong way on a deep level. Almost like it's incompatible with my personality and values. Growing up, I actually believed in soulmates and destiny. Thought girls were as benevolent as they pretended to be. Thought "good" and "nice" guys finished first, because those were the type that girls said they wanted over and over again. It's what my parents taught. Looking back, it's pathetic how naive I was for such a long time. Like an adult believing in fairytales and the Easter Bunny. But I still do believe those fantasies are how the world SHOULD be. No one should ever manipulate another person, certainly not for love. Love is sacred, not a "game".The way I think must be so different from everyone else. I dislike the idea of "chasing" anyone. I tend to take what people say at face value, and have a hard time putting on any kind of "act" or seeing through someone else's. I see "playful" insults as simply insults. I see playing hard to get as rejecting. To keep pursuing after you've been rejected is to be a stalker.But women seem to expect game-playing. They want all the teasing, the forced playfulness, and alternating hot and cold that goes with it. Basically to be taken on an emotional rollercoaster ride. As a woman on an old TV show said, "The game has rules. You're ignoring them. I protest and you come back. You didn't come back." To me, these unspoken rules and tests that women give men needlessly complicate everything, causing misery. Love should be simple, not complicated. That's how my limited mind perceives it anyway.The advice for those like me seems to be to simply learn the game. But I'd hate the person I'd have to become in order to be successful at it. (Just as I'd hate the type of girl who would find such a guy appealing.) The game as it's taught to men seems like an elaborate scheme for tricking women into bed. Books say things like "Face it, as men we love the chase. We love setting our sights on a woman who seems totally disinterested and unattainable, and then seducing her". I can't relate to this at all. What is the point, to win a prize? Am I missing something?I think if there was a woman who didn't play games, everyone would want her. But if a man doesn't play games, it's like he's not participating in the "dance" and is a bore. Can such a guy ever date successfully, on the strength of his own genuineness? Are there any girls out there who don't play games, not even subconsciously?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I feel a little better knowing there are at least a few others like me somewhere out there.
Code Warrior hasn't said anything I haven't read before in books by "pickup artists". Their view seems to be that all men, at their core, are horndogs and jerks, therefore any guy who behaves differently must be putting on a noble act or being dishonest about his intentions with women. I believe this says more about the writers of these books than it does about all men. If I simply have no interest in casual sex or in "hunting" women, that's not to sound noble, it is the truth.
Sorry but the game isn't just about reading body language. It's also about saying things you don't mean, making others jump through hoops, and manipulation. That's why some have such a problem with it. Male players memorize effective one-liners, stories, and stock answers to use over and over again. Female players think that mistreating guys is a great way to see whether he's a "real man" or a loser who will just sit there and take it. All that really does is alienate the nicer guys, who won't think "She's testing me," instead they will think "Wow, she's really mean and controlling". They will go on to mistrust women more and more until they eventually become the type of jerk who only helps himself (the same way that women who've been used by players become bitter and jaded about men). Personally, if I sense a girl "testing" me, I find it a big turn-off, even if I pass the test! As for being hard to get, while it's better than appearing desperate, it's also a reason many girls end up with jerks. The cockiest guys are the ones who won't take no for an answer.
Shouldn't everyone have at least some fear of rejection? Players have no fear because they approach girls all the time at random. It's purely a numbers game to them: approach as many as you can until one says yes. They put no thought into their selection beyond who looks good enough to bang, and they leave their feelings out of it. In that context, rejection is meaningless because the approach was meaningless to begin with. There are actually men on dating sites who message dozens of women at a time with the same message (eg. "I saw your pro, think you're special, think we could have a connection"), hoping to get lucky. To me, this is a ridiculous and deplorable strategy for finding love! Even though it often works because people fall for it.
With so many people doing this, it pollutes the dating environment and puts more honest people at a big disadvantage. You can't be entirely honest if everyone else is dishonest, can't play by your own rules if everyone else plays by other rules. Imagine a dating site where everyone Photoshopped their picture to look like a supermodel and this was completely routine and expected. Unless you Photoshop yours too, you will seem like the ugliest one on the site and get left behind. It's that simple. I don't like games any more than I can find a way to date without them!
Players love the game because it suits their inborn temperament, it's as if the rules were tailor-made for them. So they'll openly mock anyone who criticizes those rules or refuses to play by them. I don't doubt that the Charlie Sheen/Russell Brand personality type can easily attract tons of women. But is that reason enough to turn into that? If the choice is between playing ridiculous mind games on people and having them play them on you, or ending up alone, I'm really not sure which one to pick.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): Women do play games, the "hard to get" being the favourite, I too have played hard to get, from a woman's perspective I did it when I wasn't sure of a guy, as in not sure of his feelings or his true intentions... because some guys are just after a quick fumble or a sex buddy! And some of them are very very good at hiding this. It's even hard to identify this if you really like the guy as a person. Besides a lot of men are not interested in girls that are "easy". Every man say it, that it becomes boring, predictable.
I hate the whole "push pull" thing a lot of guys seem to do. If you like a girl can you not just pursue her?! Men have been doing it for centuries, its in your genetic make up. The push pull thing does make things interesting, but only for awhile, its crucial to know when it has to be dropped! It never maintains interest, and from a woman's perspective again, she starts to thing "he's just not that into you".
We would all be better off if the games were dropped, I mean how did they manage back in the old days?! :) Besides marriages even lasted longer then as well. Society has screwed up "dating" in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): There ARE women out there how don't like the games. Actually after reading everything you wrote in your question,I feel like I had typed it myself! And I'm a female. I never really "dated" a lot until this past year,I mostly met people through friends or whatever,had a mutual liking for each other,and had commited relationships my entire life. None of the dating games until recently. And I feel like I was niave my entire life,taking everything at face value. If it seems like they like me,I thought they liked me. If they seem nice and said nice things,I thought they said it because they meant it. I was so wrong! It seems like it is all a game with everybody,the men I have met are completely interested until I do something or say something to show interest back. The chase is then over for them,and not fun anymore I guess. And it's really sad to wake up ad try to reinvent yourself to fit with todays way of dating,if not impossible. My advice is just be you. As frustrating as it is,you won't be happy trying to be anything but yourself. Just be happy that you're different from the rest of the crowd,and someday you will end up with a woman who appreciates you for all that you are!
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A
female
reader, bardia  +, writes (28 January 2012):
 Ok. Who are you & can you meet me tonight?! But seriously, I share the exact same mindset. Games show a complete lack of respect for the heart of another living being. I believe people who play these games (The Chase, or claim to run hot & cold) are completely immature & unprepared to commit to even the possibility of a future with another person. Games are for attention-whores and people who are so insecure with themselves that they need a bevy of admirers at the expense of the precious heart before them, willing to give them their body & soul. That is why I just ended my first ever relationship just a month ago! If someone cares for another, for those truly successful, 60 year anniversary relationships, each partner will do everything in their power to build up the other, to sure-up the relationship with security & trust. Why are there so many games, so many relationships that break up or marriages that end in divorce? Lack of true love-true CARE for the heart of another being. So hold to these things you believe because they are the stuff of fairy tales & happily ever afters & there ARE others who share that with you. Message me if you need any more encouragement on this. :)
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A
female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (28 January 2012):
Yes I am the girl that don't play game subconciously but all that is about to change. Thanks to the information from the worthy authors like Rori Raye.
Over the years, subconciously I played hard to get and didn't even realize it. All I notice is that men fell on my feet when I play hard to get. I had a guy in the palm of my hands off and on for 8 years and he is still after me because he couldn't have me to himself completely. All this while I did not even play hard to get. It was just my personality. I was into my books and I did not care about boys.
The first day I fell in love with a guy and made it easy for him, I was hurt badly. He treated me like shit. I was dumbfounded. We are fiends now and I remember he used to tell me I as a woman did not understand the kind of power got and I remember back then he told me to go read a book. I chased after this guy even after he rejected me. He did not want a commitment becaus ehe did not believe in marriage. ultimately I submitted to him and was having affair with him for 5yrs. The day I stopped chasing him, my life made a new turn. I could not believe the transformation. He has never begged me before. Here he is deleting me off his facebook because he could not bare seeing my pictures and then he re-added me begging me to add him back.
Fast forward I still did not know the game. I gave myself a two year break from men thinking I had to work on myself. Yes, I worked on myself alright and when I decided to come back to the dating scene, I fell in love again so quick. I was so easy for the guy. He told me he loved that I wasn't playing games and amde it so easy for him to come into my heart. Months later, I am a emotional wreck, hanging around for his phone calls. He barely calls and if he does he rushes to get off the phone.
My life changed when I started doing my research. It started on this site when someone refered me to the ebooks. I started to study men and the differences between us women and men. I read the book "Hard to get" and it made sense. All my life my friends teased me for being a heartbreaker. I did not like nickname. That is because I did not all this while I was subconciously playing the game of love with men and got away with very good relationships althought did not end in marriage, I became really good friends with my exes. Never a bad break-up. Just wasn't no compatibility. But I was never hurt or miserable in any of those relationships until when I fell in love and did not apply the games I have been playing all along but did not realize it.
So yes, I believe the game has to be played with men because you all a entirely different specie. Anytime we give our soul and heart wholeheartedly, you get bored and are looking for the next chase. When we treat you like you are not important, you guys come around and do the right thing.
It is a fact and this is coming from someone who detest games with a passion. But My eyes are opened I have learnt my lesson. No man is going to have all of me until there is a real commitment and a RING!!!!
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