A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is sequel to a previous post. How is holding out on sex with your partner playing games? How is games if your intention is not to be manipulative?Must sex be everything in a relationship?I am in a LDR which picked up very fast in the beginning now things have really slowed down. It seems that the few times we travel to see each other, we have lots of sex and hardly concentrate on building the strength of the relationship. When we are together everything seems fine but when I leave to go back home, he is not that emotionally available. So why do I have to put up with the drama. If he really wants me he will put in efforts to work on the relationship and then we can resume our love making. I am just the type of person taht get too emotionally involved with a person especially during love making. SO does it hurt to protect my heart?I want to sit back and relax and enjoy the relationship without physical contact. That is more of us doing things without the emotional attachment since the guy has been emotionally unavailable anyways.Is there anything wrong with this course of direction?I need opinion from women but want more guys to tell me how they feel when a woman that truly loves them ask for some space in the sex department. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 February 2012):
Hi. His family applying pressure on him to get married and settled, has probably become a part of the problem. Especially, when it didn't work out that way or in that time frame - Christmas 2011.
Time frames just can't be placed on something so serious as getting married and settling down. It doesn't work that way at all.
It happens all in it's own good time.
You could set a time frame for finding a job perhaps, or looking for a house to buy - but not getting married.
If you want to involve him in your life more, you could invite him to join you the next time you help out at the charity where you volunteer your time.
There is nothing quite so good as becoming involved in something that is for a greater cause - such as helping those less fortunate.
It does give a person a sense of purpose and meaning.
And as you are no doubt aware, not only are you giving your time freely to others, you are also giving to yourself by the warm feeling you get from making a difference in the life of others.
And there is nothing quite like it.
If you were able to encourage your man to join you on some of these occasions, you would have a really fulfilling common cause that might just also help you to get emotionally closer to each other.
It might even be the solution.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDorothy thanks for your response.
You said:
Hi. Recently you said he called you to go out, however you told him you were busy, and you couldn't.
The reason why I declined this is because once again I cannot make things easy for me. It was disrespectful of him to not call me more than twice on his overseas visit. he kneew he messed up but did little to apologize. He should have came back home, try to wean my heart back to a place where I am happy with him before initiating a visit. The visit was gonna be nothing but secual. I hope you know that. Distancing breaks communication so if he came around, we were gonna be hitting the sheets without resolving issues at hand once again. Something he did not want to deal with. His thing is when he messess up he just want to have sex so we can act like everything is cool again the next time. It is a cycle that had to stop. ANd it starts now. We have to communicate about our issues. We cant continue to hide behind our lovemaking and think everything is gonna be alright. Bottom line be a man and step up to the plate. Questions like "What can I do to make my woman happy today" to start will help.
Another really important factor here, is the focus needs to be taken right OFF "marriage" and "where is it going" type conversations.
Trust focus on that have been off long time ago. When we met he initiated marriage the first couple of weeks. he was the one mvoing very strong and I was uncomfortable with it at first but I let it go and just went with the flow. We always had serious talks at thebeginning which were initiated by him first then things start slowing down. I actually enjoyed when the serious talks start slowing down because i knew it was impossible for us to move as fast as the plans were going. So I was really a fun girlfriend. laughed, cooked and plenty of sex. I enjoy active political activities,and movies and he enoyed politics only on the news on TV or online and movies. We enjoyed each other company. There was no pressure. Then when reality sets n and things start getting serious once gain on his side, he decided to move to my place and seek jobs. He never got one so I think that isolated him a bit and our fun got les and less to almost where sex became our only sex activity. Communication slowly deteriorted because I chose not to pressure him either at his job seeking or whatever it is he was doing to make us closer. I think as all his plans started to fial he felt ashamed and disturbed.
This last trip to see him, after the fourth day he was the one that initiated the serious conversation and told me my mom called his mom, he feels ashmed because the expectations are not met. His expectations according to him in the beginning of the year last year was to have been planning marriage plans by December so the pressure really was coming from his family and friends.
Bottom line is I know I have gave it my all. Open and honest all the way. The emotional imbalance is coming from him. We need the space and I am giving it to him wholeheartedly. During this time I believe we dont need any complication. We need to talk and listen and start showing efforts on the "RELATIONSHIP" itself and not on ourselves. Its the relationship that is falling sideways and if we dont pick it back up then it means we dont want it then we can drift apart and find someone else. I personally like the space. I am doing things that makes me happy. Volunteering and community engagement and physical activities. I am feeling great about myself. He should be doing the same so that we are physically and mentally fit to pick up the pieces and start all over. yes Starting over is needed. Things are not great right now so working on ourselves and coming back to each other if we really want it is what we need. Hope all understand my plight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very Confused:
You are not overstepping your boundaries at all. I will answer some of your questions.
Do you NEED the official Break up to know what’s going on? You say you KNOW where this is heading… why are you being so passive about it?
If we have to break up I am ready for it. You have to understand that I was the giver in this relationship and because I have done too much, I am resenting him for not treating me well and reciprocating the love I gave him. So if this is what we need, I am ready.
so you are being phony in your behaviors and your feelings with him? And when things get to where you want again will you go back to being true to yourself with your behaviors? What do you think will happen then?
My feelings towards me have not changed. I still care for hima nd love him. He is the one that changed. Where i want this relationship to go is to a drama free relationship where two people both try to work on making things work. He is not trying and really slow in the love department. I have always been the pusher. If I withold sex it is because I am not passionate and my body is not willing to feel touched by him. If he is cold towards me, how can my body get hot to have him. So being true to myself is that when I am intimate with my man, I make sweet passionate love to him and when things are cold I cannot get to that mental state of making love to him hence the reason why i think a temporary break or space is needed with no intimacy until we work things out.
In what way right now are you a couple? When was the last time you saw him? New Years? What are your plans for Valentine’s Day? When is your next date?
We are not on good terms and not communicating. Where will the plans for valentine's day come from? Not from me. I'm perfectly fine with spending it alone. Date? Once again as a man, he should have made necessary efforts to make sure his woman is alright but he is not talkless of initiating a date. I used to do it but I am not going keep accepting the behavior hence the silence. When he wants to talk he knows where to find me.
Met his family and friends”
That is a good sign… do you still see them? Does he take you to see them or make plans with them or talk about them to you?
I only see his friends and family when I fly to go see him. He does not really talk about them to me as he used to in the beginning. Part of the reason is because his family gives him pressure about us getting married. So he has been avoiding our regular visits with his family.
what? Do you go back to being yourself and being open and available? Then what? He loses interest because you are no longer a challenge?
If chasing is your thing it is not mine. I belive a man have to fight to get what he truly wants. I was very easy for him and it was intentional because he is the first man I have ever had a connection as strong as this to in all the 30yrs I have lived. So I thought he deserve a woman that will make things fun and easy for him. I dont care about him chasing again. I care about him trying to work on the relationship and showing that he still wants to be in it. Saying it is not enough. The only way he will get my 100% commitment again is if I get the kind of commitment that I want. If he loses interest again after putting in all that work and efforts well aint no need trying. A split is inevitable at that point.
IF YOU KNOW he will be back why do you feel the need to WITHHOLD SEX? Why the GAME? And without discussing it with him in advance it IS a GAME… even if you don’t see it that way…
Do you really think the next time you see him and he goes to take you in his arms and kiss you and make nice you will push him away and say “no sex” and he will be like “umm yeah sure!” or are you going to let him hug you and kiss you and then when he tries for more cut him off? How well do you think that’s going to go over???
If he comes back, I just want a friendship kinda relationship where we are starting over, talking, listening, having fun and cuddly maybe but nothing serious. By the way he is the one that is backing up and acting like he needs space so that is what I am giving him. Let's just feel each other but we do not have to touch. That don't seem like a game to me. Sex is not everything. Its not like I will tell him you behave well to me I will drop my pants. No what matters now is us working on our relationship. Sex complicates things and I need a break from the drama and complication. I just want to be normal and have fun. I know we can do it. If he gets mad and thinks its a game I am sorry but you gotta go cos' you cannot coerce me to make love to me when the love is shaky at the moment. When we realize the feelings we have for each other again then things will flow normally. But why force it when we are acting this way (teenagers you say) I need an adult like relationship and get back to a real one then we can start adding the adult things to it when we are both capable of handling it.
All relationships require communication… LDRs even more so… and by NOT communicating to him that you are no longer planning to be sexual with him you are NOT doing your part to make this an open honest ADULT relationship… you are behaving like a teenager…
My dear the way we are now, he is not thinking about sex with me. No normal person will. That is something you think about when things are flowing welll and both on good terms. We are not talking now. So Im sure for that sex thought to spring up, he will be initiating some type of sexual talks with me before hand.
So what do you do IF he steps up to the plate? Well the question is are YOU willing to be false to yourself and this man for the rest of your life? Because if you are phony to get him to change, you will have to remain phony to keep him…. Is that what you want?
No part of me is phony. It is what it is. Im not ina happy place so sex does not come to me in an unhappy state. He as a man can feel the state of mind as well. When he does step up to the plate he will be getting the real me, only thing that will change is the me that did not allow him to be a MAN in the first place. The one who initiates many of our hang out spots, says sorry to mend situations, calls him even when he is at first to diffuse problems. I will just play my part as the woman and let him take charge like a man should be. Nothing phony aout this at all. Some men will appreciate women like me but some just don't know how so you have to teach them how to love you.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 February 2012):
Hi. Recently you said he called you to go out, however you told him you were busy, and you couldn't.Avoiding seeing him is only going to prolong the process. You must see each other to sort it out properly.If and when he contacts you again, it would be wise to somehow make yourself available to see him.No matter what else you have on, within reason of course.Or, if you genuinely cannot see him because whatever is on you can't cancel, then politely say you can't - and why. And be truthful, so he knows you are not just making excuses and rejecting him.One of the things you are probably seeking and have been for a while, is certainty.Certainty about your future. And who wouldn't?When you have been going out with a guy for a while, you would naturally be wondering where it's going, and also if you might be wasting your time.Unfortunately, withholding sex is probably not going to do it for you.Instead, whenever you see him you need to be working on the relationship and making it as good as it can be.Which means, really listening to each other when one of you speaks - and hearing what is being said.Another really important factor here, is the focus needs to be taken right OFF "marriage" and "where is it going" type conversations.Just don't go there at all.Even though that's ultimately what you really want to know, by hinting at it in some way or talking about it outright, all it does is put enormous pressure on him to make a decision.It's possible that he DOES want to marry you sometime in the future, and might definitely see potential for you as his wife, but to try and force a decision when he isn't quite at that place yet, is asking a little too much for now.Men like to come to their own decision - about marriage and the future - when they are absolutely ready. In their own time. When everything is going along smoothly and not too many disagreements or big blowups along the way.Probably what you are doing - withholding sex - is to make him behave so you get what you want, and I can understand that. But at what price do you want that answer?And at the same time, he probably gets why you are doing it too - so that he will make up his mind to commit to you.And commitment is what we are really talking about here, isn't it?So how about the next time you do see him, you just enjoy your time with him and have fun.Let it be like it was when things were good - in the beginning (before the pressure to commit kicked in for you) - and enjoy each other's company, and don't complain to him that he owes you money or that he's untidy or whatever else is bugging you at the time. Those things are not important in the grand scheme of things.In the big picture, they don't count at all.What does matter however, is the quality of your relationship generally. For instance:-(1) How well do you get along with each other?(2) Do you have lots in common?(3) Does he treat you with respect and dignity?(4) Does he take you out and spend money on you?(5) Does he make you feel special?(6) Does he care about you genuinely?(7) Is he interested in you and in your life?(8) Does he compliment you on your appearance?(9) Does he compliment you on your looks?(10) Does he compliment you on your figure or legs?(11) Does he compliment you on your personality?(12) Does he compliment you on your sense of humour?(13) Can you sit together and talk about stuff - life, movies, the world in general, etc.?And do you also compliment him on things about himself?Why I am asking these questions here, is I am trying to establish the general feeling of your relationship on a daily basis.I am trying to work out how you relate to each other and what kind of stuff you do talk about on a regular basis.Could it be possible, that it's come to a point where it's all about "The Future" for you?Meaning, that whether you say to him about commitment or marriage or however you put it, that it seems almost all you think about is - "When is this guy going to pop the question to me?" And - "Is he EVER going to pop the question?"When it's what you think about a lot, it could be that there is almost nothing else you DO think about.And whether you mention it or not in so many words, it does come out in your behaviour, whether you realize it or not. Because it's on your mind constantly.The more you think about it, it pushes you away from your goal of being asked by him to be his wife.The more you pressure him, the more he resists. He stands his ground, or he just won't give you an answer, which is the same thing.So, if you remove all pressure - and STOP thinking about it all the time - then he won't put up the resistance that he does now.You release pressure - he releases resistance.It's like two opposing forces.While one is there, so is the other.It's basically, a fight for survival.Try concentrating ONLY on having fun and enjoying your life, instead.I can practically guarantee you, it will be a whole different ball game, from that point forward.Please consider it very seriously.If there wasn't some emotional connection between you, he wouldn't be there at all, would he?So that alone, speaks volumes, don't you think?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 February 2012):
 I get where you stand. I just think you are being unrealistic. I thought about your reply in the car this morning driving to work and I hate being the fly in the ointment so to speak but here’s my take on it…. And please forgive me for overstepping my bounds but as a woman who is recently out of an LDR with a man in your age group (and I assume your partner is in the same age range) I feel that we have a kinship.
Things I am going to say are going to seem hurtful and painful and you may hate me after this but I want to try to help you be realistic here. And this will be VERY long so forgive me.
Do you NEED the official Break up to know what’s going on? You say you KNOW where this is heading… why are you being so passive about it?
“I’m just keeping it cool”
so you are being phony in your behaviors and your feelings with him? And when things get to where you want again will you go back to being true to yourself with your behaviors? What do you think will happen then?
Relationships take effort and work but they should not be this hard… they should NOT require you to CHANGE who you are or your fundamental behavior patterns to make someone else do what you want or be happy. IF you are not being yourself right now then the person he is caring about is not really you is it?
“We are a couple”
In what way right now are you a couple? When was the last time you saw him? New Years? What are your plans for Valentine’s Day? When is your next date?
“Everything was great in the beginning”
Everything is ALWAYS great in the beginning… everyone is on their best behavior. It’s called the honeymoon period because it’s NOT real life. It’s the dance of figuring out if you WANT TO DO THE HARD PART….You do, maybe he does not… his current behavior seems to say he does not want to.
“Met his family and friends”
That is a good sign… do you still see them? Does he take you to see them or make plans with them or talk about them to you?
“We talked about marriage and the whole nine yard so you can't tell me we are not a couple”
I talked about marriage with my first boyfriend when I was 14… I talked about marriage with lots of men over the years… just because you talk about it does not mean it’s real. Have you PLANNED anything to indicate that you are going to be a close couple? Before you can even talk about marriage don’t you think you need to be planning how to END the LDR part of the relationship or are you two planning to get married and live apart?
You say that the downfalls are that you spoiled him and slept with him the second day you were with him….. Let’s discuss those things…
You say you did not make him chase you like a man should. I have NEVER let a man chase me. I am a very take charge kind of woman…. If I want something I go for it. Always have… always will… A man that WANTS a woman will not care that she chases him…. The game of the chase and challenge is true… but it’s human nature and that is not always a good measure of each person… maybe it’s true for you man… so if you let him chase you and he catches you then what? Do you go back to being yourself and being open and available? Then what? He loses interest because you are no longer a challenge?
DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WITH THIS MAN HAVING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE A CHALLENGE TO HIM?
I did not pay for our dates but I went after my guy… I offered him NSA SEX from DAY ONE. That means I paid the gas and the tolls every time for the first nearly 6 months of the relationship and that was pretty much every weekend after the first few months. I went to him from day one. I pursued him from DAY ONE. For him I was a sure thing… funny, he wanted me more and more as time went on…
You didn’t mess UP you were yourself… open and honest and trusting and laying your heart on your sleeve…. A very brave thing to do and something many men will appreciate.. not all men want to play games.
As for the LDR… the first night I went to him I spent the night in his bed and I wanted to be closer than we were… but NOTHING happened.. not even a kiss…. The second visit a few weeks later… we started being sexual…. (after all that was the plan)….
IF YOU KNOW he will be back why do you feel the need to WITHHOLD SEX? Why the GAME? And without discussing it with him in advance it IS a GAME… even if you don’t see it that way…
Do you really think the next time you see him and he goes to take you in his arms and kiss you and make nice you will push him away and say “no sex” and he will be like “umm yeah sure!” or are you going to let him hug you and kiss you and then when he tries for more cut him off? How well do you think that’s going to go over???
There is NO FREAKING COMMUNICATION HERE WITH THIS MAN.
All relationships require communication… LDRs even more so… and by NOT communicating to him that you are no longer planning to be sexual with him you are NOT doing your part to make this an open honest ADULT relationship… you are behaving like a teenager…
You don’t want HIM to mess with YOUR emotions but you are not telling him these things right? So how is this relationship going to survive since it’s based on subterfuge? WHEN do you come clean and go back to being yourself???
As for the term “housekeeping”…. It’s the term we use to denote emails that have to do with the daily maintenance of a life together.. banking, car repairs, errands… it’s the stuff that is important but not nurturing of a relationship… I usually end up sending my guy (who I live with now) at least 2 emails a week with a list of the “housekeeping” things for our week… and I label it such so he knows it’s not a hearts and flowers email…
So what do you do IF he steps up to the plate? Well the question is are YOU willing to be false to yourself and this man for the rest of your life? Because if you are phony to get him to change, you will have to remain phony to keep him…. Is that what you want?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince you are NOT happy and want to move on why would you even entertain the idea of seeing him? Just to tell him you won’t sleep with him???Because I know he will be back for one and two there has not been an official break-up but it is clear to see where the relationship is heading. I am just keeing it cool. We are a couple. Everything was great in the beginning. Met his family and friends. They all adore me. He met mines too. We talked about marriage and the whole nine yard so you can't tell me we are not a couple. The downfall to the relationship are two factors 1) I spoilt him. I did not make me chase me like a man should. I offered to pay on our first date and many dates later. I paid to go see him more than he did to see me. I messed up. I know I did. 2) LDR - we hit it off in the sheets the second day I met him even though I thought it was ok since we have been talking for a month and a half and was head over heels already.So my dear based on thos etwo factors I realize now why he is behaving the way he is behaving. I am holding on to my grounds of not opening my legs the next time we meet because I know he will be back. HE WILL BE BACK. I know. And the last thing I want to do is to make him mess with my emotions again becasue he seems to know my weak points.Lol at the word housekeeping - Is that what he is doing? Trying to not be the bad guy who screwed up by cleaning up some of his mess? lol I can't stop laughing. So what do I do now if he realizes that the things he is doing is not making him feel good and he decides to step up to the plate to do the right thing? These are the questions in my mind and the reason why I have to convince myself that no matter what I do I must not get close to him until a real consistent effort is made. Do you get where I stand now?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 February 2012):
So you haven’t talked to him in nearly a month other than two “housekeeping” texts…
I hate to tell you this but it’s over dear one. He’s going to make kind gestures to keep you on the hook and make himself feel better about this impending break up… For all intents and purposes you are not a couple…
You are NOT happy (your words) and you are “trying to see how you can move on from him” which I THINK is a GREAT idea.
Since you are NOT happy and want to move on why would you even entertain the idea of seeing him? Just to tell him you won’t sleep with him???
You want a real relationship; I think you need to consider that you will never have it with this man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe last time I saw him was spending xmas and New years with him. He leaves after new years for a week to go to another country and only contacted me twice. He knew I will be mad so he reached out a day before coming back home. When he arrived he wanted to see him and I pretty much said I was busy. Then the next day I inititiated somewhat of a serious talk about our relationship. Since I did not really get anything out of the convo I stopped calling and he hasn't called me. Only for me to get a text last week to pick up a shredder machine he bought me at Walmart. Then another text today of the money he paid back in my account since he owned me for the hotel money during new years visit. I simply text back thanks. But we have not really been speaking for almost a month now. I dont know if the lil gesture and text is his way of trying to get back on my good side but we will see. At this time, Im trying to see how I can move on from him because I am not that happyy. So any advances from him to come and visit me will be the perfect opportunity to let him know I really dont care for any hanky panky. I want a real relationship, I don't want him and I refuse to chase after him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 February 2012):
I just ended an LDR.
I get exactly what you are saying.
We hated being apart so he gave up his apartment, his job, all his friends and family and moved 2 hours away to be with me.... I get that a man SHOWS YOU WHEN HE LOVES YOU.
So here you sit saying you won't sleep with him till April and that you will tell him the next time he contacts you.
How long have you been without contact?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Very Confused, the reason why he doesn't know is because I have not picked up the phone to call him. When he makes the effort to communicate with me then I will tell him. If he doesn't the silence and backing off he is showing him is counting towards the months he will not taste this at all. One of the ebooks i read says if he is not calling then he is hsowing he is not that interested or he got somebody else. A man who loves his woman and wants to be with her will show his interest. So therefore I believe what I am doing is right. WHy should I lay with you when you have caused a bridge in our emotional connection.Like adamantine said she is also in a LDR and when they do see each other they go at it like rabbits. But when they are apart they do everything to make sure the emotional connectiion stays and gets stronger. This is an ecample of couples who are both interested in each other and want to make it work. There should be no excuse at all.
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female
reader, adamantine +, writes (6 February 2012):
 I am in an LDR, too. But our distance is such that we cannot manage frequent visits. On his only visit here (which was for 3 months), we pretty much went at it like rabbits. It was great :P
The difference is though, that after he left and flew back to his country, we still kept the communication open. We still talked every day, we skyped as often as we could. We always let each other know what we're going - if we're not going to be available to talk that day or something like that. We still kept things going.
Just like in close distance relationship, you have to keep your contact up with the person. You still need to have those deep and meaningful conversations, you still need the light hearted banter. All of it brings you closer.
Sex, I feel, is not necessary to bring two people close, but it can bring two people who already share a strong emotional bond, even closer.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2012):
“I plan on going on until April” does he know this? DOES HE plan on going on until April? Does he know he’s being tested???
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I will not be getting the commitment then because I don't see sexual intimacy with my guy anytime soon. It's going on a month now and I plan on going on until April. Unless he really shows a lot of effort that he wants to be in this relationship and work on the ups and down. No more mr. nice guy. I'm done with the BS. Did I add that in the mean time, i plan on opening my options to date other guys. I am sure he will be doing the same too since he is not calling me as well. he may see it as a game but I see it as helping us. We need to know what we really want from each other. A life time commitment or casual friendship?
WIll follow up with you all and update you on where our relationship is monthly.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 February 2012):
Hi. While ever it remains as an LDR, there is going to be not only physical distance between you, but also emotional distance.
Two people can only get so close emotionally, while you are not seeing each other - or not making love.
You can get only as close to each other as very close friends would be. Like mates or buddies.
Unfortunately, to really get to the level of emotional initimacy you speak of, well that only comes from being physically intimate.
And you are not going to get to that level of intimacy, unless you are physically intimate.
The emotional intimacy or closeness you want, can only happen if you are making love on a regular basis. So that you are a couple in the true sense of the word.
I guess it's kind of about the surrender, which is the threshold to true intimacy which is what you truly want.
And that sort of closeness, is what leads to commitment.
And commitment is what you are really seeking, isn't it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have not spoken. If we do see and we don't have sex he cannot be mad. He caused the lapse in communication. Before he comes aorund he is usually saying sexy things to me, I guess to see what is going to go down when he comes or if I am not in the mood. So if we eventually speak again, I will not welcome the sexy talks. I don't necessarily need to say that hey I don't want to have sex unless our conversation goes to that level.
I will let him know that I just want to enjoy him without the emotional connection via sex. I know he will be understanding. He should know things are a bit rocky right now between us and he is not trying to step up to the plate. I want a meaningful and real relationship with commitment and If I cna't have it then we can just be or act like friends do. Call me when you feel like not because you need to and see me when you feel like. Just like friends. I am in a good space right now and not going crazy. So we should keep it like this until when two of us are ready to fully commit to one another and makes this work.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 January 2012):
“we can be cuddly and fond of one another when we do meet”…
So after you’ve got him all worked up with cuddly kisses and such what will you do when he expects and wants sex? If your love for him is shaky why do you even want to be cuddly and fond of him? When I’m not feeling connected or wanting sex with my partner I don’t’ want him touching me at all.
Seems to me that you are still looking at a game here... "I'll withhold in hopes that he will step up to the plate" sort of thing.
Do you plan to tell him BEFORE you see him or AFTER he tries to have sex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell a little more about my situation might help with your questions. I like that in a LDR, couples try to have as much sex as possible due to lost times but whether it is a LDR or non-LDR when a relationship is beginning to look like it is only fun when you have sex then there has got to be some changes.
My man went out of the country and he only calls me when he got there. I called him the next day and he tells me he will call me back. I did not hear from him but decided not to kee tabs on him since he was a best man at a freinds wedding. I thought once he is available, he will call but he did not until two days he was scheduled to come back home. He gave many excuses but I just ignored it and kept on moving. When he arrives, he is already making plans to see me. This is where I finally draw the concluson of what our relationship is now based on. It may have been loving in the beginning but it has got cold and he really is just enjoying the sex and happy with that only. So I showed no interest of coming to see him. I pretty much have made myself unavailable as well by involving myself with community service so I have been very active.
So to all - I have yet to tell him that I plan on not touching him soon. We can be cuddly and fond of one another when we do meet but what I meant by he will have to show some effort is that I will like for him to do the right thing so everything can return back to normal. SO it is not punishment per se. It is what it is. I make love I dont have sex. So if my love for him is shaky, then I really dont like to be touched. If he is willing to back off from me then he shouldn't be willing to come close in the bed only.
He cannot have all of me when he is giving half. When he does right then gives me all of him then he can have all of me. So it is not a treat. I just need to get my respect back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): it sounds to me like you feel that he is the one who has been playing games with you because when you're together everything feels fine but when you go back home he becomes emotionally detached. I would feel as if he was playing games if I were you.
So your solution is to detach yourself emotionally as well, and for you that means not having as much sex. I think that's fine, I don't think it's wrong to want to protect yourself from getting hurt.
but your question is, is your plan considered as 'playing games?'
I think that - agreeing with the other poster below - it's playing games if you keep your plan to yourself and don't explain to him your sudden and/or drastic change in behavior and yet are hoping for him to respond to your new actions. It's the hiding of intentions - whether deliberate or not - that is playing games with other people.
Maybe you feel as if he has been messing with your emotions because of him blowing hot then cold, I can really understand that. That's not very upstanding of him to do either, whether he's intentionally playing games or is just really thoughtless. But I think that if you start to mirror his actions but also including the 'secrecy' about intentions, then instead of helping the situation you might just make things even more complicated?
if you don't tell him why you are changing your behavior and expectations and are just hoping he'll figure it out on his own, he might draw different conclusions than what you intended. He might grow even more emotionally distant because he thinks you're no longer interested, for example.
I think it's fine for you to decide you don't want to get so emotionally invested in him and that means less sex, but I think it would be better if you told him this to explain your new behavior.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 January 2012):
if you TELL him why you are not having sex and it's an effort by both of you to work on the relationship it's not game playing.
IF you DO NOT tell him WHY you are refusing sex and just withhold sex from him in an effort to see what he does that's game playing.
"if he really wants me he will put in efforts to work on the relationship and then we can resume our love making"
this sounds so parental of you. "If he behaves he can have his treat" kind of thing....
are you doing it for this or to "protect your heart"?
because they are two very different reasons for "withholding sex"
which sounds so like a punishment.
I just came from an LDR of a year... and as we got closer and closer to not being LDR any more the sex got less and less... in the beginning when I would get to his place it was all about that... and we saw each other every weekend.
when you are LDR with no signs of being NOT LDR you have sex every chance you get....
if you want to enjoy the relationship without physical contact isn't that A FRIEND? what about cuddling? and kissing? I could go without sex but I could not go without physical contact with my partner...
if after a year and a half the guy is emotionally unavailable do you think that no sex will make him change?
do you plan to tell him why there is no sex?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 January 2012):
Hi there. If he sees it as no sex means playing games, he is probably wondering why there was sex before and not now.
He probably can't see the logic to it at all.
He might also see it as a rejection of sorts.
If you haven't done so yet, it might be helpful to explain it to him, as to why you have decided to decline from the sex side of things for now.
You could mention that you do not want your whole relationship with him to be based on sex alone.
And that you really want to get to know him better and what makes him tick, etc. Finding out about his life, his hobbies and interests, his family, his work.
There is so much in getting to know someone thoroughly. It does take time.
I can also see why there is more sex when you do see each other. It's only because there's a sense of lost time, and that's probably at the very core of the plentiful sex.
And it's probably more obvious if you are only together for a couple of days - instead of a week, for instance.
If you saw each other for a whole week, the sex would inevitably be less frequent after the 2nd day, most likely. Then things would return to normal.
If it is only ever a short time together each time of seeing each other, well then a way to get around that would be to make it a longer stay - a week or two.
How many hours driving or flying are you away from each other?
This could dramatically change my answer to you.
Supposing it's only 1 or 2 hours drive, well then it might be possible to see each other once a fortnight on a weekend. Or once every 3 weeks for about 4 days.
You could meet half way. Or else, take it turns who goes to who.
Perhaps you could organise your holidays so that every three months you could spend a whole week together, so it's worthwhile.
It seems in any case, that frequency in seeing each other, is part of the problem. Not often enough.
The shorter the time - drive or fly - between you, the easier it will be to work it out between you.
The main thing is, you don't want to have too many long gaps, because this problem will just continue on and on.
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