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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I know a lot of you think this is stupid but I have my reasons for this question. This is examples from everyone in my life...My dad thinks I'm the worst person. He often laments about how I am not a boy (or I guess a man now.) He constantly relates stories of when I was a teenager and what a horrible daughter I am.My mom is passed away.My step-mom constantly tells me that I'm selfish and worthless. I hold a full time job and take good care of my family. I show my love and gratitude to everyone, and am a hard worker, too. But in her eyes I'm the scum of the earth. I've heard her tell my dad that she wishes he didn't have me.My other family like aunts and cousins all ignore me. Well all are friends on facebook and they all talk to each other all the time. Even those living in the same house post on eachother's facebook. But when I say anything I am ignored. I comment on other people's pictures and so on, but ignored. When they all come to town they go on fun outings together and I'm not invited.In my own household family my husband spends all his time with his friends. He always talks and laughs and is happy when he's with them. When he's with me he is always annoyed and irritated. I might tell him a joke, and he rolls his eyes. But his friend tells the same joke and he laughs like it's the funniest joke ever. He talks to them with this happy voice he use to use with me, but not any more. He says I look like trailer trash and I smell even though I have good hygene. He doesn't like to listen to me talk about things, and when I tell him that things he says hurt me he says, "Get away from me, you're so retarded, can't you tell I'm joking?" But it doesn't feel like joking the way he says it or by his actions. All of his friends are male, so I don't think he's cheating with them (he's not gay,) but I get jealous of them anyway because they get the respect I wish I could get.I only have one friend, I'm always wondering if she will stop being my friend, too. All of my other friends from the past have abandoned me. They weren't good anyway since they always put me down.Only my kids like to spend time with me. They are young so I fear that as they get older they will turn on me like everyone else has. I am actually a happy and fun loving person. I love to do fun things and go out, play games, tell jokes. I know I'm not pretty, but I think I have a friendly personality.... I'm just so confused? I am starting to keep people farther away from me because I just know that they will hurt me. I feel like I'm cursed. :( Also, this has been going on my whole life with all people. The friends I did make were toxic. My husband was my dearest closest friend as well, he was the only one, and now I've lost him too... I'm so sad.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (3 September 2011):
I'm so sorry that you're going through so much pain.
Your family of origin treats you abusively. Your father and step-mom and other family members are verbally and emotionally abusive, and have been all your life.
A very common (almost inevitable) fall out of being the victim of abuse especially long term and since an early age, is that you have very low self esteem. That's just what abuse does to you. no one is immune to it, just that some people are luckier than others in not having been exposed to it. But when you have low self esteem, you feel worthless. You are NOT unlovable, that's just your low confidence , the fall out of the emotional abuse you've suffered, messing with your mind and distorting your sense of reality.
Another common side effect of suffering abuse is that you ironically may end up choosing new people who also treat you abusively. People who grew up being abused, often choose abusive people to marry. Without even realizing it. Because by now, being treated badly is so common an experience to you that you're used to it and see it as normal and/or see no other way to relate to other people. It doesn't mean that if you're used to being abused that you're unaffected by it or OK with it. Abuse does affect you whether you want it to or not. It means that, you're used to feeling like crap all the time, around other people, that feels familiar to you. So you subconsciously may seek out new people to be in relationships with, who are also abusive because that feels "familiar" to you.
That could explain why you're surrounded now by people who treat you badly - because having grown up with that kind of treatment, you internalized it and perhaps you subconsciously sought out an abusive man to marry. You're not unlovable, it's not you. It's the people you have chosen to be with, who are abusive and treat you badly.
Another thing is that if you allow people to treat you badly, they will often continue and get even worse with it. So over time their abuse gets harsher. But because your self-confidence is already worn down, you lack the strength to stand up for yourself, thus reinforcing their abusive treatment of you, it's a horrible vicious cycle.
You should remove yourself from people who treat you badly, cut off contact with them, even though they are relatives. You need to insulate yourself from their poisonous effects and start taking care of yourself and building yourself up. Leave your husband, he is also verbally and emotionally abusive. A person who abuses their spouse, has broken his marriage vows. Marriage vows say to love and cherish and honor. By hurling insults at you, and treating you with such contempt and disdain, he's not loving or cherishing you at all instead he's actively tearing you down so this is a violation of marriage and you're under no obligation to stay with him.
Surround yourself with positive people. Get to know people at work, or other parents at your kids' school for example, who exhibit friendliness, generosity, compassion and kindness. Surround yourself with positive people, and cut out the toxic people from your life.
here is a link with more information on emotional abuse. Knowledge is power.
http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 September 2011):
You're not unlovable, darling. You know you have good qualities; your kids see them and kids are the most honest among human beings. The big problem is that your self esteem has been kicked into the ground. It makes you an easy target because people know they can vent their anger and irritation on you and you won't do anything back. You'll take it, while every other self respecting person would stand up for themselves.
Take children who are bullied for example. They're not bad kids. Often they're very likable when you get to know them. But because they let other kids treat them like a doormat, that's exactly what happens. Being vulnerable tends to bring out the worst in people, I've learned.
Right now, you (and your kids) are in a very unhealthy situation. Married or not, noone should be forced to stay with a person who does not respect them and puts them down. Judging from the ages of your kids and the age you put up you were very young when you married your current husband (assuming he fathered the children). Right now you're supposed to be at your peak and instead you're being treated like crap. Don't settle for that. You have youth on your side and it's never too late to start over.
This current situation is not good for your kids either. They are observant. The eldest of nine is probably already recognizing a pattern. It's not a good thing for a child to be exposed to. They will think it's normal, just as you've begun to think the way your dad acted was normal as well, evidenced by your belief that you are unlovable.
Get a divorce so you can start over and find happiness, while at the same time showing your children that the best thing to do when in a bad situation is to get out. There's no better example you can set.
Also, like CaringGuy recommended, get counseling. I know, there's a certain taboo and prejudice to it, but it can really be beneficial to you and give you that little edge you need to set things in motion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I left the nest long ago. I have a 9 year old an a 5 year old and I work very hard. Thank you for your answers. I get so sad all the time.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 September 2011):
Your very first sentence sums up everything really. You are truly a woman who has had every ounce of confidence entirely knocked out of her.
You are definitely not cursed, even it does seem that way. But the cruelty of your father has been enough to send you down a somewhat dark path. I would place virtually every bit of blame on that man (and I use that term loosely, because no real man would ever treat his daughter this way).
What your father has spent his time doing is emotionally abusing you. And I know, because it happened to my mother. And you, just like my mother, went on to live with a cruel partner, surround herself with crap friends and wind up with no confidence, even sure that one day her own kids will turn against her.
What your father has done is cloud your judgement about yourself or others. In your head, all this abuse that you've taken from your step-mother, husband, family and friends is normal because your father did it and still does so often. The thing is, you really don't need to take it. You can get rid of every person except your children and start over with them elsewhere. You don't need a father who treats you this way. You don't need a lousy excuse for a step mother. You don't need an abusive husband. You don't need crap family members, and you don't need useless friends who just put you down all the time. All those people are expendable, because they don't care for you in any way.
I would honestly suggest looking entirely at your life. I think you need a lot of counselling, and I think you just need to get away from these people. None of them are any good, so you might as well start over elsewhere and really just live your own life with your kids. Don't sit there any more taking all this pain, when you can make a break for it.
Please get some counselling so you understand why all this has happened, and so in the future you don't fall into the same traps. An also don't think your kids will turn against you either. They won't. They'll just be hurt that you think that, and you can take that from someone who's own mother has regularly said it. It's painful. So even if it's just for your kids sake, get some help and get away from these people. You don't need them, and you can do better.
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A
male
reader, EuropeanGuy87 +, writes (2 September 2011):
I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. It's true that some people get more attention from others based on different characteristics it has to do with the personality or the way they look. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think and you might just imagine things to a certain extreme. If you feel some people don't like you then so be it, there are so many things you can do to make yourself happy, and I'm certain your kids will never turn their back on you, no way - the closer you keep them the closer they will be to you. Kids only turn back on their parents when they are neglected and maltreated and you sound like a good parent. I was a very social person, going out every night with my friends, clubbing, drinking, and I was always in middle of some drama ..But then as I grew up I realize there is more to life than that, and I only kept the friends that I can trust with my life and there are only 6 of them ..and really time is precious life passes fast, and I enjoy my time with the people I really love, and do healthy things.. try it.. but don't waste your time wondering why others don't like you..it may sound epic but "Stay who you are" everyone is unique in the own style..changing for others it's like losing your identity.. and there is nothing wrong with you.. plus now you have one more friend ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): If it were just one or two poeple I'd say it was them. Since you're saying it's nearly everyone then I think the problem is you. There is nothing wrong with WHO you are, but with WHAT you're DOING.If this has been going on all, or almost all, of your life then you've probably been sensitive to others' perception of you for a very long time. Being that sensitive effects the way you behave with quality people and probably also draws you the toxic people.You may be trying too hard without realizing it. I hate to jump on the bandwagon and suggest the heavily relied upon and often over rated therapy, but a few sessions might help you. An intelligent, creative and insightful therapist might give you some new strategies to try and perhaps direct you to other professionals (like a life or relationship coach) who can help as well.You might also benefit from something like Toastmasters, which you can Google.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): Don't ever let anyone ever make you think you are unlovable. You are not at fault here clearly the people around you don't value the way they should, they are the ones at fault not you. Don't put up with people who make you feel like that you need to find people who appreciate you and love you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): I'm so sorry you're feeling this way but you need to change your attitude. If you think you're unlovable, people won't love you. If you think you're the special, fun, happy, attractive (you say you're not pretty but you don't have to be conventionally beautiful to be attractive or sexy) person that I am convinced you are, then that's how other people will respond to you.
It sounds to me like you have low self esteem. Perhaps go to your local bookshop and buy a book on boosting your self esteem? I truly hope that helps you.
Good luck!
xxx
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 I hear pain in your words and I feel badly for you. Two things: 1.) It is NOT possible to be unlovable!2) Sounds like your dad is hurting from his loss of a wife and partner and he knows you can't take he place.ego he's frustrating and lashing out at anyone around.This is NOT your fault! Be calm and try to understand his weakness and pain. I suspect he loves you but can't resolve his own pain and lonliness so he take it out on you. Be patient, you will be old enough to leave the "nest" soon enough. Take care of yourself and try to love yourself first.
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