A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend was married at twenty years old, he is now forty. He has said he was naive, manipulated into getting married and knew he didn't love her. Is it possible people do get married when they know they don't love someone and know it wont last forever? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 January 2020):
 How many KIDS haven't done the EXACT opposite when parents told them no?
Especially if someone was told don't marry her/him - it's a mistake! OF course SOME people would listen to the counsel of their parents, others would feel like the parents treated them like children or didn't trust them in picking the "right" partner.
There are SO many people who do DUMB stuff to prove how independent or grown up they are. Now marriage is a big deal for sure. But at age 20 it might not have seemed so drastic. I mean how much life and relationship experience does a 20 year old have? Not all that much (usually).
But again, his FIRST marriage and how he felt about it all REALLY has nothing to do with you. OR even him, 20 years later (unless they had a child together).
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 January 2020):
 Who cares if his parents said don't, if the girl's parent's said don't, if he did it anyway …. as a 20 year old 20 years ago.
Why are you hanging onto this? Do you nag him about something that happened 20 years ago, is it even important?
Really, how important is this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2020): INSECURITY KILLS RELATIONSHIPS!!!
"No I don't need to think I'm the first he truly loved, I honestly can't imagine he couldn't have loved her but he is adamant he knew he never loved her and went along with something that he felt he had to go along with. I would think to marry someone you would have to love them but he says not and he didn't feel that way"
You want our attention; so here's a long answer.
You've become obsessed over a marriage that occurred over 20 years ago??? What's going to happen if he can't convince you he's telling the truth? I know what's going to happen if you don't let it go!
My dear, you may live to see the age of 101; and may never find a guy who didn't love someone before he met you! That's the real underlying concern of your posts. You say it's not, but it is! The notion he might not love you as much, or more than he loved his first-love.
He said he didn't love her; so there is a 50/50 chance he's telling the truth. Not that it even matters! People marry the wrong person, marry too young, and for the wrong reasons all the time! It's called life! They do it in Las Vegas, Nevada all the time!
You can keep writing, answers will be the same. In-fact, your man is going to think you're out of your mind! You are increasing the odds that he will probably dump you to preserve his own sanity. That is, if you're for real!
Nobody is going to put-up with being persistently antagonized over behavior motivated by nothing more than retroactive-jealousy! Your unrelenting pursuit to force him to confirm your absurd and unfounded-suspicion; and to validate your nearly insane-jealousy! It is going to sabotage and destroy your relationship!
If he did or didn't love the woman, and married her...so what? They're divorced now! What's that got to do with you? Why is it an issue in "your" relationship? How long do you think your boyfriend can endure this absurdity? If he admitted he loved her, then what? Then he'll be further tried and convicted for lying? Forget about his 20 years ago, and concentrate on your NOW!!!
Do you suffer from an anxiety-disorder that makes you worry incessantly? Do you endlessly dwell on an issue, because you can't control your obsessive-thoughts? Maybe that's the case here.
It is possible to marry someone you don't love. We're not making this up!
Prearranged-marriages are a thing in many Eastern-cultures; and some still occur in modern western-cultures as well. Based on economic-status, for convenience, to merge financial-dynasties, and to legitimized babies born out of wedlock. The couple don't necessarily have to love each other to marry. They just follow family/cultural-tradition, or agree to please their parents. You can't be so out-of-touch with reality that you can't conceive the idea a person can be coerced into a marriage to someone they don't love. Come-on!
I think you're one of those rascals out there who try to come-up with a question that you think will get the aunts and uncles stuck for an answer; while you bathe in our attention. There's nothing new under the sun!
Just because you refuse to believe him, doesn't mean he's lying. You're the one with an issue!
Girlfriend...please!!! At 20, we hardly know what love is!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2020):
So we are back to this, again OP?
Like you have been told many many times, IF you CAN NOT trust him and KEEP looking for scabs to pick at, WHY are you still with him?
SO WHAT if he loved her? I loved my first BF with all my heart. It didn't work out. Doesn't mean I LOVE and LOVED my now husband any less.
YOU can love more than ONE person with all your heart. If you have kids, you should KNOW that!
And HE might also tell you the truth. Some people don't realize until later in life that what they had with someone WASN'T love.
My BIL married his first wife because she got knocked up. Out of a sense of honor and duty. They ended up having 4 kids and fighting like cats and dogs for 20 years until they divorced. I think if SHE hadn't gotten pregnant he probably wouldn't have ended up with her. They were pretty young when they met. My other SIL married her first BF, had two kids and then had an ugly divorce. Pretty sure if I ask her if she loved the first husband as much as her second one (whom she married in her 40's) she would tell me no. That she thought she loved him, that she thought he was who she should be with.
And sometime OVER time we "alter" our memories to make them less painful or because we REALIZE that things weren't as we has HOPED they would be. I'm sure he married her because he FELT something. Be is sense of duty, feeling like a GROWN UP, doing the "right" thing or whatnot.
However, it REALLLLLLLLY is irrelevant today. The only one making a deal out of it is YOU. You who had NO part in his marriage, didn't KNOW him from Adam back then and really, it's none of your business.
I get that you want to feel special to him. And my guess is you do, otherwise WHY is he with you?
You need to seek help, professional help. You are OBSESSED with HIS past. Things HE can't not change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): No idea what you are on about N91 but I am asking a genuine question, you can always scroll past and don't reply.
Thanks for the replies and advice to the others
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): If you want your relationship to last take his word for it and let it go. It seems a pretty minor thing to be concerned about.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 January 2020):
 I think you’ve been here asking this question multiple times before.
Why does it matter? Seriously? You don’t believe what he says so why keep asking?
Same advice as last time, get a grip before he gets sick of your nagging.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): His parents absolutely opposed him continuing the relationship let alone marry her, even her father told him to get away from her. The pressure came from her alone, that is what he has told me
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (28 January 2020):
 Yes it is possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): No I don't need to think I'm the first he truly loved, I honestly can't imagine he couldn't have loved her but he is adamant he knew he never loved her and went along with something that he felt he had to go along with. I would think to marry someone you would have to love them but he says not and he didn't feel that way
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 January 2020):
 Of course it is. Why do you question him like you don't believe him?
My husband tells me that he felt extremely pressured into marrying his 1st wife. He was in his mid 20's. They had dated for 3 years and yet he kept putting off marrying her because something didn't feel right and he kept hoping his feelings would change. He felt it from his parents, her parents and especially her. He felt pressure from everyone He told me he knew it was wrong, he didn't love her enough that he wanted to marry her but caved into the pressure surrounding him. The marriage lasted only 2 years because she cheated on him. He said he knew the whole time he was married that it wasn't going to last.
I believe him fully. Many people make mistakes with marriage even when they are older.
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (28 January 2020):
 It's astonishing that you fail to believe him. People can be emotionally blackmailed by family to marry people that they do not love.
At 20 years old he was merely still a boy. That must have been a terrible burden for him to carry. With the added pressure of the wedding looming, he must have felt at his worst. Poor guy.
We have all made mistakes, you are no different. Would you want to be judged and punished for things in your past? That would be a no. So don't judge or punish him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 January 2020):
 Intrigued why you disbelieve him? Are you that insecure that you need to believe you are the first person he has truly loved?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2020):
God, yes, looking back I was stupid at 20. Who wasn't? My brother was even dumber in his late teens and early 20's.
Did you NEVER make any mistakes in your life?
And why on Earth are you trying to hold him responsible for something that happened 20 YEARS ago that has/had NOTHING to do with you?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 January 2020):
Yes, most certainly possible. Males at 20 are not very mature.
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