A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my girfriend for a little over a year. (I'm 46 and she's 34) The sex was great at first, and she couldn't keep her hands off me. But, she's gradually lost interest over the past 3-4 months, and does't want to do much of anything except cuddle (she loves that).From what she's told me, she was "wild" in bed with her former boyfriends, and had sex with them for hours, morning noon and night. She also tells me she had orgasms with them, but she's only had an orgasm with me once. I've tried asking her what she wants me to do sexually, but she doesn't really respond, and seems to be rather disinterested in sex.I've asked her why she doesn't seem to be physically attracted to me any more. She says she is very attracted to me, that I am very attractive, and she says I have a beautiful body. She tends to be quite blunt if there's something about me that she doesn't like, and I also know she's told some of her friends that she thinks I have a beautiful body as well. Thus, I don't think she's just saying this to make me feel better.She also says she loves me and wants to get married. The topic of marriage comes up constantly. She also constantly says she's afraid I will break up with her because I'm so attractive and so many other woman want me. I've told her many times I'm not interested in other woman (this is true), but nothing I say seems to reassure her.I sometimes wonder if she has some sort of a (perhaps subconscious) belief that it's "dirty" or "wrong" to really let loose and have unrestrained sex with a guy she's in love with and wants to get married to. My sense is that it's almost as if she views our relationship as being "pure" in some way, and letting loose and really going at it sexually would somehow diminish our relationship by making it physical. If this is the case, will she ever really let loose with me?Here's the question: is it possible for a woman to be in love with a guy, find him to be very attractive, yet not be sexually turned on by him? She's told me sex is an important part of a marital relationship for her, and it seems unlikely to me that she would want to get married if she thought the sex wouldn't be any good.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): She and you should get some counseling help, with diligent work you will find that you have more to talk about than you know, and it will be hard.
However, if you don't, this will get worse after marriage.
In opposition to the prior poster,
"why don't you try slipping in some light dirty talk and ultra light 'man-handling' during sex and see how she responds? Maybe she needs you to treat her like she's already a bad girl in the bedroom in order for her to feel comfortable letting her wild side out"
I would not recommend this, she may feel really bad about prior sexual experiences and this may cause "flashbacks" and cause even more problems.
Get premarital counseling, assuming you want to marry her, and tell her you want it to make sure that both of you know what you are getting into, so you can know what issues you will need to work on, so you can be a better husband. Don't tell her it is because of her, make sure she understands that it is because of you.
Open up in counseling, tell everything of concern.
A
female
reader, americanpatriot +, writes (17 November 2010):
 Actually, I think that your girlfriend feels unattractive. There is really no way to convince her of that with just the words you say, so you could try gazing at her body more, you know, with the eyes that say "wow". You also could get her some flirty lingerie. Women who are insecure about their bodies feel like they are not beautiful enough for lingerie, so you should help her feel like she does deserve to wear the sexy stuff. How a woman feels about being naked in front of her man is an essential element when it comes to sex. If she feels ugly she will not want you to see her get wild. It will also hold her back from having an orgasm. She just needs some reassurance. I don't think it has anything to do with your physical attractiveness at all. It's all about her self-image.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for the responses. I really love this woman, but I'm having a hard time (mentally) dealing with this situation.
I do think she feels somewhat insecure. She said the other day that she feels like a penny compared to me (me being a dollar, I guess). I do have a very successful "prestigous" career, whereas she has a somewhat menial job, but I don't care about that one bit. I tend to be a bit of homebody, but she gets me out doing a lot of things and we end up having a lot of fun together. She brings a lot to my life, and I've told her this many times, but she doesn't seem to really believe it.
She's told me that the men in her life prior to me just used her for sex (even though she apparently loved the sex herself), and I think she's afraid I'll be the same and she'll get hurt again with me, only worse. My impression is that when I tell her I think she's attractive (which is often), it tends to register in her mind that I just want her for sex.
Thanks again for the responses!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 Hi well i would say from what you have mentioned that she is sexually attracted to you, but it sounds to me like she is feeling a little insecure now the more the relationship is getting serious. She let her self go with you on the first few months probably because she didnt see it as a long term thing and now that she is beggining to realise that you could be the one for her, she is getting self concious and possibly thinks that you are two good for her therefore she has her gaurd up in case she gets hurt, i think in her head she feels that you are going to leave her for someone better than she feels about herself and that is probably causing her to lose her sex drive.
She is the sort of girl that no matter how many times you tell her you dont want another girl she just doesnt believe it herself. Keep reassuring her that you think she is gorgeous and make her see that you feel lucky to have her in your life. It might get better in time, but she needs to have self belief that she is worthy of you, if she doesnt improve ask her to go to a couple's therapy with you and they might be able to get through to her.
Try being as romantic as you can, dont demand sex but when you are both cuddling up, stroke her hair kiss her forehead stare in to her eyes make her feel special and try lightly to coax her towards sex. Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (17 November 2010):
 If you think she's restraining herself to maintain the purity of the relationship, why don't you try slipping in some light dirty talk and ultra light 'man-handling' during sex and see how she responds? Maybe she needs you to treat her like she's already a bad girl in the bedroom in order for her to feel comfortable letting her wild side out.
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